And Here Are The Entries

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I'm Finally Coming Home

I'll second the notion that this is the easiest read of the lot. By the 3rd line I had easily slipped into the rhythm and flow of the song. I can't help but hear possible melodies as I read this.

Are you excited about writing music for these lyrics? I certainly would be.


I really don't have any criticisms for this one. The story is powerful and well expressed and the rhythm is perfect.

Are there any lines you are uncomfortable with that you would like suggestions on?

Very cool song.
 
ido1957's Entry

Ido – If the entire song was as good as the first two lines of the fourth stanza this would be one of the best breakup songs ever! I would try hard to work that type of cleverness into the rest of the song if I were you. “It whispered more than friends when that was all it could be.” is burned in my brain. Great line. I know it would detract from the story but perhaps it could be worked in to the chorus?

The other thing that stands out for me is that the bridge and the chorus could be exchanged. I like the bridge much better than the chorus. The song even reads better, to me, when I drop the chorus completely and replace it with the bridge.

As I have stated and demonstrated, I am a sucker for love:p (and love gone wrong:mad:) songs. However, there are so many out there that we, as writers, need to be very clever in our storylines to try to compete with them if that is our purpose. Your story is ages old and I like it. I would like to see more of it resemble the fourth verse in its craftsmanship. Good tune in my book. Again, I am trying to be objective and straightforward is the spirit of the Challenge.
 
Brenda's Child

This is a bit of a taboo subject and it makes people uncomfortable to talk about........ I love that. Excellent choice of subject matter.

The flow and the structure are also excellent. You tell the story well from start to finish. Especially since the ending is more implied than explicitly stated. I wish I was better at that. I am also jealous of the cry cry cry lines. So simple and so musical it's almost impossible to just say it.........you have to sing it.

I could definitely learn from this. I tend to write poems then turn them into songs. This is obviously a song from the get go.

Now to the nit picks.:)

There is a Tupac song called "Brenda's got a baby". That would bother me, but Brenda and baby do go well together. I'm not sure of another name that would work as well.

The terms Atari and joystick are both rather dated. If Brenda's baby boy was born in 93, he probably isn't playing Atari.:) I don't know that I would use a brand name there because no matter what eventually it will sound dated as technology changes. Maybe just he fired up his game/games?

"He’d jerk the joystick back and forth" is a good line because of the alliteration there. Maybe He'd crank the controller back and forth? Controller refers to everything from Atari to Xbox controllers so it probably won't sound dated until the day when we plug our video games straight into our faces.:eek:

But in the end what he learned best
Was how to point and shoot……..

This line just bothered me on a philosophical level. Being a video game lover I take exception to the way video games are portrayed in the media as being "murder simulators" and "training" kids to kill.

I won't argue that point with you I can totally understand and respect that point of view.(that's not what we are here for anyway) If that is the point you are trying to make you nailed it, because it got a little rise out of me which means it is a well stated powerful lyric.

The only reason I mention it is that it might alienate younger listeners.

That being said I don't know how you could change it because it is so important to the story line.

I'll give this one a little more thought and see what I can come up with.

Great song though, I could definitely takes a few hints from your style.

Thanks for sharing.
 
Song Start (Nightfire 2008)

I don't have too much to say on this one. I do think it is a great start to a song.
A possible line that came to mind for me for the second chorus is:

Because you lost you mind in 2000 and 3
Far away in that fierce desert heat.


If in fact this is song about the effects of war on a solider.


Good stuff I can't wait to hear more.
 
true love C Nicole Rose

i think we should each critique our own song as well. especially after reading a few of the other's critiques.

all of your critiques have reminded me of the things i didn't feel comfortable with when i first wrote it, but let them slide because i couldn't think of anything better at the time.

i mistyped the lyrics. there are indeed supposed to be two is's in a row in the first line to each verse.

there are several things i didn't feel right about when i wrote these lyrics.
"the world is new" didn't strike me as being right, it was just the closest i could come. i'm still trying to come up with something "right" to replace it.

"different world view" struck me as so wrong that when i went to record vocals on it, i instinctively changed it to "different point of view" and it seems to work better though it doesn't say as much.

"every time you hug me" stuck out like a sore thumb. i've found that "hold" works much better than "hug".

the repeated "life/wife" rhyme bothered me a bit but the lines leading to life, are so different that i'm going to let it stand.

the chorus

at first it bothered me that it was so simple and repetitive. but it says exactly what i want it to say, regardless of cliche's. the best way to say i love you is to say i love you. it's a cliche for a reason.

and i've been a bit bothered by the fact that the title doesn't enter the song. BUT, lot's of good songs don't have the title in the song anywhere. "black dog" by led zeppelin, and "misty mountain hop" again by led zeppelin.

AND the title is implied by the words, yes it's true, and you know it's true. when you ask what is true, love is the first answer i come up with.
 
Himynameisbuddy's Entry

Himynameisbuddy – This verse:
Changes are always something we need,
“But why right now?” was my desperate plea,
Again, my thoughts go completely unheard
Like a bird that lacks a chirp
is my favorite. I would probably change the nouns up in the last line. Perhaps “like the silence of the chirpless bird to develop the rhyme.

Much of the song is dark and wandering and I read it several times and pulled different meanings each time through. I like a song that makes me think. However, I also like a song that rhymes and makes me think even more.

The ending which leaves the subject’s future in the hands of the listener is clever and inspired. Again, it makes the listener think and interpret.

In fact, the prose exhibited in the last three verses are the entire song in my opinion. The trick in writing ‘darker music’ is finding a way to tell the story without being matter of fact. In that sense you pull this off nicely. I still feel that anyone clever enough to write with this much introspection can also find an unusual rhyme scheme to go with their thoughts. If it were mine, that’s where I would go next. I would like to hear this one set to music.
 
mikeh's Entry

mikeh – Wow! What a chorus! The idea of ‘coming home’ is one that resonates dearly with everyone and is a great subject for a song. The repeated thought that you can’t live in the past is both powerful and optimistic.

The first four lines of the second verse have a cleverness and a universality that make them a clear winner. It sets up the song ending wonderfully. The last line of the song leaves me feeling flat though. I understand what you are saying but I would try to say it differently. The word ‘home’ with the long ‘o’ sound is easily rhymed. Perhaps consider writing the last line a dozen different ways and then picking a clear winner? Regardless, I like the song and feel it would fit in the C/W genre perfectly. (Although it would also fit well into several other genres.)

I like the idea that you didn’t ‘give the ending away’ and left the listener wondering what is in store for the person returning home.
 
Nightfire's Entry

Nightfire – The pre chorus contains powerful images but in isolation without a story to go with it is very hard to evaluate. Powerful imagery is a great tool but can’t stand alone as I’m certain you realize.

The chorus, to me, is the idea for a song/story. If this were mine I would try to use the chorus and then do a biographic sketch of someone who was connected with Viet Nam/ Cambodia. Good luck.
 
Yonce N Mild's Entry

Yonce N Mild – I like the imagery in the first verse. I would drop the words “all the” from line 6. It wouldn’t change the meaning and would read much easier.

I also like the parenthetic counterplay in the choruses. I am not fond of the word ‘holocaust’ because it seems to detract from the rest of the chorus. I end up focusing on that word and it diminishes everything else in the chorus for me.

The second verse you might consider rewriting completely. For me it doesn’t fit well with the power and images of the first and third verses. Unless there is something there that I am missing completely the second verse is just out of place. If the song were mine and someone said I needed to record it tomorrow I would probably drop the second verse and repeat the third verse. (verse 1, chs, verse 3, chs, verse 3, chs, fade with “All is not lost”) If I had more time then I would rewrite the second verse but ONLY after I tried repeating the third verse to see how it felt and sounded. I think the third verse almost has a "We Shall Overcome" type power and vibe to it. It simply blows me away and sets up the repeated "all is not lost" at the ending beautifully.

I would also drop ‘shit’ and put in ‘crap’ but that is just a personal issue and has nothing at all to do with the quality or substance of the song. Typically you don’t see the words peace, redemption, healing, and shit all in the course of two lines. (Which word doesn’t fit?) Again, that’s just me and shit is far more powerful than crap if that is what you are trying for.

Again, I am trying to stay objective and give an honest impression. This one could definately be a keeper.
 
Since Nicole_Rose suggested we each critque ourselves - I'll make an effort. I am often my own worse critic and would likely generate alot more writen/recorded material.........if I didn't think everything I do is not as good as it should be.....but on to the critque:

First and formost, I have waaaay to many references to I, I'm, I've (it can be difficult to tell a story from the first party perspective and avoid using I alot....but I think I and it's variants appear too often).

As up-fiddler pointed out in his critque - the last line of the song "I don't want to be alone" is weak and is a reflection of a lazy writing approach - I felt this was not the best line to end the song...yet I was too lazy to work at it.

Based on ido1957's critque, I may have missed my mark in verse 1. I was trying to use long, dark road & dead ends here and there as a metaphor for a long dark life - but perhaps the verse implies too much that it is literally a road.

The concept of the song (at least from this writer's warped mind) was meant to suggest a person struggling with a less than charmed life - the coming home can actaully mean two things - literally coming home to a loved one - or coming home to God (and hoping to be accepted).

I'm a fanatic about keeping songs at no more than 3-4 minutes (this one clocks at 3 min 15 seconds) - so at times I limit my own ability to tell the story....although I think that should be a primary goal of a good writer - tell the story in the least amount of words.

By the way, thank you all for taking time to read and critque my offering, thanks again to up-fiddler for suggesting this - and thanks to all who shared their talent and depp felt lyrics.
 
mikeh said:
By the way, thank you all for taking time to read and critque my offering, thanks again to up-fiddler for suggesting this - and thanks to all who shared their talent and depp felt lyrics.
Click to expand...

;););) DITTO! ;););) I am very pleased with the response to the Challenge. I am pleased with objectivity of everyone's suggestions and fired up to get back to work on "Brenda's Song". (Oops, that's right. I have to change the title!)

What amazes me even more is everything that I was able to glean from everyone's obsevations on the songs I didn't write. For me it seems that it is also helpful to watch others critique a song that I don't have a personal stake in.

The purpose of this exercise was to jump start everyone and try to learn from the experience. I think the Challenge was a huge success on both counts. Thanks again to all.
 
mikeh said:
By the way, thank you all for taking time to read and critque my offering, thanks again to up-fiddler for suggesting this - and thanks to all who shared their talent and depp felt lyrics.
Click to expand...

yes a big thank you all from me as well :) you all reminded me of the things i hadn't been happy with when i first wrote it :)
 
True Love, Nicole Rose

Before I start off I must say I'm not a huge fan of love songs, but that is certainly a taste thing and not directed at your song or writing.

Reading the song over for the first time it struck me how many times the word "world" is used.
In the first verse I think it works since they are not close together, but in verse 2.1 I feel a little funny about the line
"All there is you and I, in this lonely world
you've given me a different world view".
I do like the fact that verse 1 and 2 start with the same line, which sets the mood of depending on each other in lonely circustances. I also like that both verses end with the same line, which is a hopeful resolution to the fist line.
"No ones ever touched me like you do" - I think that sentiment could be expressed better, some people might take it as a physical/erotical statement:confused:
Other than that, I must say its pretty dang sweet that you wrote your wife a song, it seems really heart felt and you wrote with sensibility:)
 
Leading me on, Gerry Steele

I really enjoyed reading through this song. It almost had a country thing going on in my mind when I read it:)
The first 2 lines do an excellent job at bringing images to the mind, it sets a mood of nostalgia and lost youth. You kinda imagine this 40 year old guy looking at a picture of himself with shaggy 70's hair with his arm around a girl in front of his Cutlass:p Maybe instead of "on my mind again" you could used "in my mind again"?
"...but it was real to me" feels like you could say "...but it was so real to me to go with the above line "you looked so fine", but Im nitpicking.
I love the chorus, its the way most guys feel about one relationship or another theyve had, it describes perfectly how it feels like to be used, and how we STILL might have a longing to have the girl back (thats how crazy they drive us right?:o)
Im a fan of the line "It whispered more than friends when that was all it could be" even though it seems a little akward. This verse is a great follow up to the fist one because the story really gets ugly as it develops and your starting to wonder just how ugly it will get.
The bridge I think is the climax for the reader who is still wondering what you meant so far by saying "And I’d be a fool
To still want you....." Great bridge.
Overall, great song; I'd really have to nitpick to find anything. Would love to hear it once recorded.:)
 
My Glove (Himynameisbuddy)

I must say I have a hard time with the structure of the song. It seems like it could be hip hop/rap?:confused: I wasnt sure what was verse, or chorus?
Now to the lyrics, it conjures up a whole bunch of images. It feels very James Bondish until the line about Tupac in the speakers, and then it felt like a gangster movie.
"Noone heard me" and "...went heard only by nobody" seems like a repition of the same thing, I think you could use another last line there.
The next line "I realized then, that I was done" seems like a setup line, or a pre chorus, but then its used again in a later verse as a different part of the structure, which confused me.
"Like a bird that lacks a chirp" seems a little forced.
Its hard to give a good critique since I have to heard this one recorded, to see how the structure of the song works.
But you did well in transposing the reader into a dramatic world/event.
 

I'm Finally Coming Home, Michael L. Helgesen

Great song, it put me on an emotional journey reading it. This song too had a country thing going on in my head as I was reading it, with some pedal steel cries in the background;)
Great first few lines to set the mood and tone, we know you're alone and that the imagery of "journey" is set. We already get the feeling that the trip is not just physical, but emotional as well with lines like "I cant ponder yesterday, its too late to care".
The chorus is very good too, theres a sense of owning up to past mistakes and moving on in a positive direction, the journey continues;).
I liked "You may not be there to greet me
When I find my way back home" because it clearly shows that this end of the journey is not fixed. Its bitter sweet, hope and longing with fear of rejection.
Overall, great, great song. I can tell you've done this before;)
 
Brenda's Child
c.Dave Morehouse 2008

First off, I love the topic you have chosen, if mainstream artist chose to write songs about the social condition of our time then maybe there could be some change in the world.
Second, I dont have any critiques since it seems like a very well written song and Id have to heart it in order to nitpick.
My favorite line was
"All God’s children falling fast, reaping what they’ve sown."
Great song.:)
 
All Is Not Lost
Yonce N Mild 2008

Some powerfull imagery in this well written song. A fight for redemption and hope, new start and a clean slate. I like the dark side your entering with this song with a hopefull ending.:D
Im a fan of the line "a strangling hold on the necks of our saints". It inmediately lets the reader know the kind of situation we are dealing with.
The second verse has some great writing in my opinion, good use of words that are hard to make work in a song.
"...this shit we've been eating" I would replace with "...these lies we've been eating"; but that personal taste.
Overall good song, would love to hear the final version.
 
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