Not a bad first effort.
As far as arrangement and writing are concerned, it's not a bad first effort. However, it is not commercial quality.
The main fault with it is that the sounds you used seem to be general MIDI sounds. They are not natural whatsoever. What are you using to make music? If you are using a sequencer like sonar or cubase, you need to get some quality instrument plug-ins and a sampler plug-in.
There are even lots of decent free plug-ins you can get. Get a copy of Computer Music Magazine. On the cover CD you will find the SR-202 (drum sample player), CM-101 (synth), DS-404 (soft sampler). Plus loads of others and very useable samples. Also go
here for some very good free drum samples. On the cover CD you may even find demos of Reason and Fruityloops. Two decent software studios for those starting out in computer music production.
Keep it up and make a concious effort on improving the sound.
EDIT: I just noticed this is the 3rd time you've asked for feedback of the same song in a differect thread. Just a word of advice, use only one thread and bump it to the top by replying to it. Otherwise, you may piss people off by duplicating posts.