Xeries
Earth Member
Bump! I removed one of the harmonies and added a string arrangement for the break. Just thought I'd mention it.
Looking forward to hearing rayc's music.
Looking forward to hearing rayc's music.
CoolCat
Well-known member
excellent.
Xeries
Earth Member
J
jdblessing1970
New member
If you are referring to my tune, you made my day, Cat.
With a response of "excellent", Cat can only be responding to my finished song.
gecko zzed
Grumpy Mod
With a response of "excellent", Cat can only be responding to my finished song.
ha ha both wrong . . . he was referring to RayC's!
I had been tempted to say mine, but realised I could just as easily be trumped by RayC . . .
While I'm here:
A love they can't ignore
This set of lyrics has filled out nicely. One word springs to mind here: "integration". This is a really well-crafted bit of writing in which the his and her bits flow seamlessly into each other, aand there is a compelling story arising out of the combination.
Keeping up with the joneses
This set has also been given more body, and we now have a greater insight into the story. I like the way it progressively and cleverly leads to the end kicker line: "the Joneses will want to keep up with us"! WHat I wouldn't mind seeing is a bridge that comes before "I could start coming home earlier . . .".
At the moment the track has two stages: "situation" and "resolution", i.e. the first half decribes a situation that's becoming intolerable, while the second half describes how it is resolved. A bridge might describe the "epiphany" in which they realise that a change must occur. What's the trigger that prevents them disintegrating as a couple?
rayc
retroreprobate
Nah, wasn't me!
I hate to spoil the flow of things but no music & melody will appear for mine - at least not for quite some time.
I can doodle a few words and cobble together a chord progression but melodies are way beyond me.
jdblessing1970 - nice rebuild. I agree with gecko re the bridge though. The crisis doesn't happen so the resolution is less effective.
Something like
Him - Don't walk out the door,
Just tell what I've done.
Her - You don't love me any more,
Go, go to your other one.
Him - No, It's not like that,
I couldn't love .....
Her - But somethings wrong,
Our love .....
A crisis that precipitates the resolution.
Regardless, I like it!!!!
I hate to spoil the flow of things but no music & melody will appear for mine - at least not for quite some time.
I can doodle a few words and cobble together a chord progression but melodies are way beyond me.
jdblessing1970 - nice rebuild. I agree with gecko re the bridge though. The crisis doesn't happen so the resolution is less effective.
Something like
Him - Don't walk out the door,
Just tell what I've done.
Her - You don't love me any more,
Go, go to your other one.
Him - No, It's not like that,
I couldn't love .....
Her - But somethings wrong,
Our love .....
A crisis that precipitates the resolution.
Regardless, I like it!!!!
J
jdblessing1970
New member
EUREKA!! I told you I thought it was missing something, like a soup with too little salt. It needs a bridge! Not everything I write with a bridge actually needs it, so I kinda got out of the habit of adding them, especially since my songs tend to be long, anyway. But I actually do have a few lines/rhymes that didn't make it in to the verses that I might be able to make into a decent bridge...THANKS for the insight! I continue to learn more about songwriting every day from the folks here. Thanks to everyone.
J
jdblessing1970
New member
Joneses "Take 3"
Latest re-write, including bridge and re-arranging of last verse.
KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES.
Male:
I work two jobs all week long
‘Cause we have bills to pay
When I get home, late at night
I don’t have much to say
I just want to watch TV
And maybe get a drink
Keeping up with the Joneses
Is leaving me too tired to think
Big house, big yard, SUV
Internet, cable, big screen TV
The life we’re living just ain’t free
Keeping up with the Joneses is killing me.
Female:
You promised me when we married
We’d live the good life
But you spend so much time at work
There’s none left for me, your wife.
You’re trying your best to keep your word,
That’s the part I don’t mind
But keeping up with the Joneses
Is leaving me far behind.
Big house, big yard, SUV
Internet, cable, big screen TV
They’re all things that I don’t need
Keeping up with the Joneses is killing me.
BOTH: We need to rethink our priorities
And cut down on some luxuries,
‘Cause, baby, without you here by me,
Life ain’t worth a dime
Let’s both see what we can do
To build a stronger me and you
And don’t you know that when we’re through,
We’ll be happy all the time
Female: We can find more things to do at home for free
We don’t have to leave to have a good time.
Male: I can live without a big screen TV
Our smaller one works just fine
Female: And I can buy my clothes at a second-hand store,
They don’t all need to be new
Male: Then I could start coming home earlier
So I could spend more time with you
Both:
Smaller house, smaller yard, old pick-up truck
A whole lotta love and a little bit of luck,
We can live a life of so little fuss
That the Joneses will want to keep up with us
---------------
OK, so the "We'll be happy all the time" line isn't great...but it rhymes.
Latest re-write, including bridge and re-arranging of last verse.
KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES.
Male:
I work two jobs all week long
‘Cause we have bills to pay
When I get home, late at night
I don’t have much to say
I just want to watch TV
And maybe get a drink
Keeping up with the Joneses
Is leaving me too tired to think
Big house, big yard, SUV
Internet, cable, big screen TV
The life we’re living just ain’t free
Keeping up with the Joneses is killing me.
Female:
You promised me when we married
We’d live the good life
But you spend so much time at work
There’s none left for me, your wife.
You’re trying your best to keep your word,
That’s the part I don’t mind
But keeping up with the Joneses
Is leaving me far behind.
Big house, big yard, SUV
Internet, cable, big screen TV
They’re all things that I don’t need
Keeping up with the Joneses is killing me.
BOTH: We need to rethink our priorities
And cut down on some luxuries,
‘Cause, baby, without you here by me,
Life ain’t worth a dime
Let’s both see what we can do
To build a stronger me and you
And don’t you know that when we’re through,
We’ll be happy all the time
Female: We can find more things to do at home for free
We don’t have to leave to have a good time.
Male: I can live without a big screen TV
Our smaller one works just fine
Female: And I can buy my clothes at a second-hand store,
They don’t all need to be new
Male: Then I could start coming home earlier
So I could spend more time with you
Both:
Smaller house, smaller yard, old pick-up truck
A whole lotta love and a little bit of luck,
We can live a life of so little fuss
That the Joneses will want to keep up with us
---------------
OK, so the "We'll be happy all the time" line isn't great...but it rhymes.
gecko zzed
Grumpy Mod
Instead of "we'll be happy all the time",
maybe: "together we'll be fine" (not quite as bad, but still a bit sappy),
or: "tomorrow is yours and mine"
The bridge works well!
maybe: "together we'll be fine" (not quite as bad, but still a bit sappy),
or: "tomorrow is yours and mine"
The bridge works well!
Xeries
Earth Member
Latest re-write, including bridge and re-arranging of last verse.
KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESES.
Male:
I work two jobs all week long
‘Cause we have bills to pay
When I get home, late at night
I don’t have much to say
I just want to watch TV
And maybe get a drink
Keeping up with the Joneses
Is leaving me too tired to think
Big house, big yard, SUV
Internet, cable, big screen TV
The life we’re living just ain’t free
Keeping up with the Joneses is killing me.
Female:
You promised me when we married
We’d live the good life
But you spend so much time at work
There’s none left for me, your wife.
You’re trying your best to keep your word,
That’s the part I don’t mind
But keeping up with the Joneses
Is leaving me far behind.
Big house, big yard, SUV
Internet, cable, big screen TV
They’re all things that I don’t need
Keeping up with the Joneses is killing me.
BOTH: We need to rethink our priorities
And cut down on some luxuries,
‘Cause, baby, without you here by me,
Life ain’t worth a dime
Let’s both see what we can do
To build a stronger me and you
And don’t you know that when we’re through,
We’ll be happy all the time
Female: We can find more things to do at home for free
We don’t have to leave to have a good time.
Male: I can live without a big screen TV
Our smaller one works just fine
Female: And I can buy my clothes at a second-hand store,
They don’t all need to be new
Male: Then I could start coming home earlier
So I could spend more time with you
Both:
Smaller house, smaller yard, old pick-up truck
A whole lotta love and a little bit of luck,
We can live a life of so little fuss
That the Joneses will want to keep up with us
---------------
OK, so the "We'll be happy all the time" line isn't great...but it rhymes.
I'd say you nearly nailed this one. I like the line, "It'll finally be our time."
Any music for this one? Love to hear it.
Xeries
Earth Member
Ray, I'm bummed. What do you mean no music? I'd be glad to assist you in a melody if you'd like. I've got a soft spot for musicals. They're like dinosaurs these days. Oh, they're out there, but they're not as good as they used to be.
J
jdblessing1970
New member
I'd say you nearly nailed this one. I like the line, "It'll finally be our time."
Any music for this one? Love to hear it.
I like that line...also toying with "We'll be on cloud nine."
As for music, I just recently downloaded the finest recording/songwriting software I can afford (i.e. I finally found some freeware) that I plan on installing and testing over the weekend. If it works decently, I plan on making recording the songs that I have tunes in mind more. I'm more of a lyricist than a composer or singer, but maybe something good will come out of it. At least it'll be a start.
rayc
retroreprobate
Xeries,
My collaborator on musicals died a couple of years ago. He could & would write BIG arrangements and great melodies as well as really funny lyrics. I just did the librettos and large chunks of words. I don't have the sensibilities for the musical end of musicals.
If you'd like to play about around the skeleton lyric then please do.
I had the 1st act of Cleo pretty much done - intro songs, some character development songs and CHORUS song as well as a funny one about Cleo & Mark Anthony going for a "trip on the barge" and her getting amorous but him just wanting to go fishin' - lot's of double & triple entendre.
But it stopped, stalled and didn't get going again. Kevin's death brought it a finality to the stall.
Be my guest anyone.
My collaborator on musicals died a couple of years ago. He could & would write BIG arrangements and great melodies as well as really funny lyrics. I just did the librettos and large chunks of words. I don't have the sensibilities for the musical end of musicals.
If you'd like to play about around the skeleton lyric then please do.
I had the 1st act of Cleo pretty much done - intro songs, some character development songs and CHORUS song as well as a funny one about Cleo & Mark Anthony going for a "trip on the barge" and her getting amorous but him just wanting to go fishin' - lot's of double & triple entendre.
But it stopped, stalled and didn't get going again. Kevin's death brought it a finality to the stall.
Be my guest anyone.
rayc
retroreprobate
As mentioned above.
Anyone want to tangle commetee songs for July?
Gone Fishin’.
I loved a boy,
Julie was his name.
But he didn’t love me,
Oh, it was such a shame. Chorus
Yes, I loved that boy,
Oh Julie, what’s wrong with me?
What’s wrong with me?
Weell, there we were,
The scene was tender lit,
I thought to myself,
“Well baby, this is it!”
“You’ve got this boy”.
“Tonight will be the night”
“Tonight’s the night.”
What could go wrong?
He promised me tonight,
No chance to quarrel,
No chance for a fight.
Another cup of wine
& Julie’s lips would be mine.
His lips would be mine.
Chorus
The moment had come,
& I threw him my best line.
He answered right back,
“Don’t tangle it with mine!”
Thought I had the right bait,
But Julie wouldn’t take the hook,
Not a second look.
spoken
He was my passion,
But his love wasn’t pure.
He preferred hooks,
Sinker & lure.
How was I to know?
No I didn’t read the sign,
Julie’s gone fishn’
He wasn’t mine
Chorus
Oh, Julie, Oh Julie, Oh Julie, Oh Julie etc.
Oh Julie, the fish are runnin’,
Oh Julie, the mullet are comin’
Oh Julie, I’ll gut ‘em for you,
Oh Julie, what’s that smell, pew?
Anyone want to tangle commetee songs for July?
Gone Fishin’.
I loved a boy,
Julie was his name.
But he didn’t love me,
Oh, it was such a shame. Chorus
Yes, I loved that boy,
Oh Julie, what’s wrong with me?
What’s wrong with me?
Weell, there we were,
The scene was tender lit,
I thought to myself,
“Well baby, this is it!”
“You’ve got this boy”.
“Tonight will be the night”
“Tonight’s the night.”
What could go wrong?
He promised me tonight,
No chance to quarrel,
No chance for a fight.
Another cup of wine
& Julie’s lips would be mine.
His lips would be mine.
Chorus
The moment had come,
& I threw him my best line.
He answered right back,
“Don’t tangle it with mine!”
Thought I had the right bait,
But Julie wouldn’t take the hook,
Not a second look.
spoken
He was my passion,
But his love wasn’t pure.
He preferred hooks,
Sinker & lure.
How was I to know?
No I didn’t read the sign,
Julie’s gone fishn’
He wasn’t mine
Chorus
Oh, Julie, Oh Julie, Oh Julie, Oh Julie etc.
Oh Julie, the fish are runnin’,
Oh Julie, the mullet are comin’
Oh Julie, I’ll gut ‘em for you,
Oh Julie, what’s that smell, pew?
rayc
retroreprobate
As mentioned above.
Anyone want to tangle commetee songs for July?
Gone Fishin’.
(this was meant to be doowop with the galley slaves and hand maidens doing the Jordainaires type routine in the background)
I loved a boy,
Julie was his name.
But he didn’t love me,
Oh, it was such a shame. Chorus
Yes, I loved that boy,
Oh Julie, what’s wrong with me?
What’s wrong with me?
Weell, there we were,
The scene was tender lit,
I thought to myself,
“Well baby, this is it!”
“You’ve got this boy”.
“Tonight will be the night”
“Tonight’s the night.”
What could go wrong?
He promised me tonight,
No chance to quarrel,
No chance for a fight.
Another cup of wine
& Julie’s lips would be mine.
His lips would be mine.
Chorus
The moment had come,
& I threw him my best line.
He answered right back,
“Don’t tangle it with mine!”
Thought I had the right bait,
But Julie wouldn’t take the hook,
Not a second look.
spoken
He was my passion,
But his love wasn’t pure.
He preferred hooks,
Sinker & lure.
How was I to know?
No I didn’t read the sign,
Julie’s gone fishn’
He wasn’t mine
Chorus
Oh, Julie, Oh Julie, Oh Julie, Oh Julie etc.
Oh Julie, the fish are runnin’,
Oh Julie, the mullet are comin’
Oh Julie, I’ll gut ‘em for you,
Oh Julie, what’s that smell, pew?
Anyone want to tangle commetee songs for July?
Gone Fishin’.
(this was meant to be doowop with the galley slaves and hand maidens doing the Jordainaires type routine in the background)
I loved a boy,
Julie was his name.
But he didn’t love me,
Oh, it was such a shame. Chorus
Yes, I loved that boy,
Oh Julie, what’s wrong with me?
What’s wrong with me?
Weell, there we were,
The scene was tender lit,
I thought to myself,
“Well baby, this is it!”
“You’ve got this boy”.
“Tonight will be the night”
“Tonight’s the night.”
What could go wrong?
He promised me tonight,
No chance to quarrel,
No chance for a fight.
Another cup of wine
& Julie’s lips would be mine.
His lips would be mine.
Chorus
The moment had come,
& I threw him my best line.
He answered right back,
“Don’t tangle it with mine!”
Thought I had the right bait,
But Julie wouldn’t take the hook,
Not a second look.
spoken
He was my passion,
But his love wasn’t pure.
He preferred hooks,
Sinker & lure.
How was I to know?
No I didn’t read the sign,
Julie’s gone fishn’
He wasn’t mine
Chorus
Oh, Julie, Oh Julie, Oh Julie, Oh Julie etc.
Oh Julie, the fish are runnin’,
Oh Julie, the mullet are comin’
Oh Julie, I’ll gut ‘em for you,
Oh Julie, what’s that smell, pew?
J
jarrydee
Audiobay productions
OK..Its hard for me to post this..I hate the fact that I cant sing ..but I tried...Just for fun! so please dont kill me because of the vocals!!
THAT FIRE
V
Your eyes, I've seen thorugh
and realized im not much to you
without words, I have herd
the truth that silentlty lies in you
Without me,you feel free
but still you need that sucurity
your never home, still your afraid that you'll be left alone
so you come running back to me.
C
Light that fire so we and watch it burn our history,
throw yourself in it so I can start to salvage my destiny.
V
Thanks to our past, now Im a stronger man
there's things you learn between hell and back.
Thanks to the pain, now Im a changed man
I've burnt my bridges and wount look back
I left it all behind, the life I lived, the place and time
and made my way down a different path.
Now and then I look back and see, how hard you were for me
and I look so damn foolish it just makes me laugh.
REPEAT V
B
No more relationships to make a fool of me
this time I have it all figured out
Got a woman thats in love with me
that other stuff I can do without.
V
Heres the recording
www.myspace.com/audiobayproductions
THAT FIRE
V
Your eyes, I've seen thorugh
and realized im not much to you
without words, I have herd
the truth that silentlty lies in you
Without me,you feel free
but still you need that sucurity
your never home, still your afraid that you'll be left alone
so you come running back to me.
C
Light that fire so we and watch it burn our history,
throw yourself in it so I can start to salvage my destiny.
V
Thanks to our past, now Im a stronger man
there's things you learn between hell and back.
Thanks to the pain, now Im a changed man
I've burnt my bridges and wount look back
I left it all behind, the life I lived, the place and time
and made my way down a different path.
Now and then I look back and see, how hard you were for me
and I look so damn foolish it just makes me laugh.
REPEAT V
B
No more relationships to make a fool of me
this time I have it all figured out
Got a woman thats in love with me
that other stuff I can do without.
V
Heres the recording
www.myspace.com/audiobayproductions