I understand your situation, wish I could help you out on the drum machine suggestions, but since I feel they are evil incarnate, I can't.
However, here's another suggestion which is what I used to do when I lived in a place where I couldn't have a drum kit. It's more fun than a barrel of monkeys, will yield you a lot of really unique, big sounds, and you can't beat the price (free).
You're probably familiar with the adage that smaller is bigger when it comes to recording. For example a tiny practice guitar amp cranked all the way up with its little speaker fully overdriven and the recording level cranked up is going to sound bigger than a Marshall stack on a recording.
Well, you can apply the same principle to drum sounds. A lot of everyday objects, if you close mic them and possibly apply compression, EQ, or reverb as necessary, will sound like drums or something like drums, only bigger. For example beating on a cardboard box with a kick drum beater can sound like a kick drum. Flicking a paper bag with your finger can be a snare. Crumpling cellophane between your fingers sounds like a shaker. Tiny splash cymbals tapped lightly can become a big sounding ride. Etc.
Note that for this to work, you really have to get into a completely different head space from what you're used to as a drummer. Chances are, anything that would work in this context would NEVER work in a live stage setting, and it probably won't sound good if you hit it hard. To fully appreciate what it really sounds like, you just have to get up close and personal to a good condensor mic, put on a pair of headphones, get creative with the effects and see what happens. Almost anything - a pen, a couple of paper clips, a notebook - can become a drum.
When I was doing this we only had a 4-track, so we'd have 4 or 5 people each on a different piece of the "kit" and record it live. Nowadays you could just record a single beat or a few different sounding beats into Cool Edit, copy and paste up the beats you want, and voila! Totally weird, huge sounding percussion. Sure it won't sound exactly like a drum kit, but you might really like what it does sound like, and it won't sound like what everyone else is doing, that's for sure! And it really is fun and can be very inspiring.
--Lee