What do you think of those lyrics?

[swoon]

Heya,

I wrote this one a year ago. What do you guys think.
My native language is Dutch.. so improve where necessary

Song is in set in a dark, melancholic mood...

Maybe
--------

Maybe have a sweet spot
Maybe have a heart attack and wine
Take another hit my friend
Swallow it down with a sip of pain

Living off the stress load
Through the tube of a pulsing vain
Have another cigarette
While them flowers fade away.

Believe me I will pay
Every ordinary day
Even Flowers if they'll take
Maybe, Maybe today

The cure is in the cupboard
But you sold the key, or at least you say
Have another round today
While them flowers fade away.

Believe me I will pay
Every ordinary day
Even flowers if they'll take
Maybe, maybe today

*Guitar solo*

Believe me I will pay
Every ordinary day
Even flowers if they'll take
Maybe, maybe today

 

[stonepiano]

Wow.

I like this how it is. The language and formation is very foreign but very striking. Calls me to attention. Not stuck in the banalities of cliche and standard phrasing.

Almost Gertrude Stein-esque.

Please post an mp3 if you can.

 

[the dude]

i second that! FINALLY someone NOT writing (or whining) about some bitch that left them! I PRAISE you and your tune! keep it up!

 

[lend_me_talent]

better than my shiat

I like the overall flow of it its one of those songs that you feel like you can hear just by reading the lyrics

 

[Calwood]

Excellent! If you've got a voice as good as the lyrics,..I'm STILL looking for a singer! ha ha ha.

Great job man. Cool stuff.

Take 'er easy,....
Calwood

 

[Echoes]

Yeah, unorthodox rhyming patterns = cool. If you have any more stuff please post it.

 

[swoon]

*blushes*

Thank you for the comments!

I have the song in MP3... (well a live acoustic recording we once did)

I will try and upload tonight...

Cya,

Swoon

Cal -> I would sing but ehm.. I guess Belgium is just a tad to far?

 

[swoon]

Ok here is the song:

Just right-click and use "Save As"

Some others I uploaded as well:

Hope you guys like it...

 

[Sonic Misfit]

Downloaded your song. I think that it has promise. I imagine that the final mix will be a lot heavier. I can imagine it with a feel like Linkin Park type material.

Just my opinon....Good Job!

 

[swoon]

Hi,

When we play it normally we use electrics. It is indeed heavier and has more dissonants in it.

However.. I don't like Linkin Park (Hey that's just my bad taste in Music speaking )

Thanks for the evaluation

Swoon