Were all a bunch of songwriters with nothing to say

  • Thread starter Thread starter Krystof01
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Re: write an emotion not a song.

. By not listening to top 4o before you write I mean right before you write. Maybe it's just me but haven't you written something you like and then notice it is much like something getting heavy play at the time. ...If it is a planned event give it an hour

I didn't even think in such immediate terms, so I do agree with you. I'm one of those weird people that write first thing in the morning, so I don't run into that problem.

------------------------------------------------

"Do I ever more than pacify you "

what does this line mean?

Bubba
 
Do I ever more than Pacify you

That means, Do I ever do more than just enough to keep you from walking out. OR do I ever exceed your expectations. OR do I only lend you enough of me to avoid conflict, keep you from acting on your feelings of desertion or keep you from forming a solid opinion of my lack of involvement in our relationship.

I did not write a long drawn out description because I think your dense, just because it is sort of a broad statement to me. But this is how I inturpet it.

Oh ya one last way I can see it and maybe the best. Do I only calm your anger at me after the fact or do I endevor to give you happiness by my actions

Gives me another Idea for some lyrics.!.!


Like

I anger you with actions
calm you with my lies
Ignoring desperation in your eyes

My gentel handed fear
lies undetected
Guess it's been perfected threw the years

thoughts cross my mind as I hold you
Did you buy the guilt that I sold you
will we make it through another day
as your self respect, fades away.

HMMMM?


Either way I see it as a time/devotion issue.

I hope my spelling of pacify is correct???

Thanks for your comments.

Dave

Freudian SLip

www.mp3.com/freudian_slip1

Ramble Ramble Ramble Sorry
 
Coughin' song :-)

"I anger you with actions
calm you with my lies
Ignoring desperation in your eyes

My gentel handed fear
lies undetected
Guess it's been perfected threw the years

thoughts cross my mind as I hold you
Did you buy the guilt that I sold you
will we make it through another day
as your self respect, fades away"


Ah, excellent! I think this elaborates on the relationship problem you are hinting at in the song. I kinda felt that the song was a little on the vague side, not necessarily that everything needs to be spelled out, but I felt a little more of the story needed to be told. I also think these additional lyrics are poetically much better, there are no forced rhymes.
Bubba
 
F S

I like the new lyrics. What about saying somethng about "self respect" using a different word or saying it differently. I would hope as serious as the relationship is, that would not be, the major factor for her staying. I don't mean change it just give it some thought.

I know exactly what you mean about performing what you write and not wanting to rewrite the whole song. I didn't and do not offer anything but as alternatives, only something to maybe give you some new ideas to work with. I think as long as you keep your voice and the source of your emotion, what ever you rewrite is going to work. I think all of us have probably written something that started out one way and ended slightly different.

Something you said earlier, is that this felt like a country song. Fine Tunes said something I agree with and would keep in mind about country music being "lyric driven". I don't know what your wanting to achieve but what I think is that you are wroking on something that you have to say as an artist and a human bieng.
So my only hope is that I can help in some way achieve that and not make or get you to thinking you need to say it any different.
But it looks like the way you are going, it is going to work very well on all levels.

Keep the faith, Ozlee :cool:
 
Dam....Cool thread...I missed it LOL
I like the evolution of your lyrics F.S
I like the line.."Ignoring desparation in your eyes"
How about..."Ignoring desparation in your shighs"
not a big change but it shows more interaction between
the partisipants...Also if you take out the words "guess"and "did"
you will state the case of the song more directly and have
more impact to the lines.Just my opinion from the outside looking in...

Don
 
Thanks Guys.

Actually I just sort of spun those off while replying to fine tunes. He made me focus on that line and those lines came to mind. I think I may use them in another song someday. I don't want to ad too much in. If you saw the rest of my stuff you would notice I have a tendency to write epic songs. I think at some point you have to leave a little unexplained. Don't get me wrong I love epic songs and strive to paint a pretty clear picture, but I end up writing a 7-minute song.
I am trying to work toward more radio friendly stuff. Actually it is very hard for me. It feels like a compromise of my art. What you say about country being lyric driven, I am very into lyric driven music. Just not country per say. I always urge people to read the lyrics of my music when I give them a CD maybe to the point of being an ass. I just feel like lyrics are such a big part of a song. I love lyrics that make you think, like you are solving a puzzle. Sort of like you are translating a language that lets you see into the artists mind.

Hey I have got one for you. If you get the chance go to www.mp3.com/freudian_slip1 and look at "hell's Garden" if you click on the name of the song it will take you to the lyrics. Let me know how you interpret it. It is a very deep song. Some have related to it very well, others may be among those I am describing in the song. Who knows? The recording is nothing to be proud of. At my suggestion the engineer added too much effects to the vocals. Like I said my fault all the way on that one. I learn a little every day.



Later guys

Dave

www.mp3.com/freudian_slip1

PS Henri your post came up as I finished writing this. Did not mean to ignore you. Thanks for your input. This might end up being something I work on. It will be a different song I think though.
 
Henri

I went back and checked out the "guess" and "did" suggestion. I would say that "guess" is a deffinit canidate for the axe.

If you cutt out the "did" it would have to lose some other words as well to follow the deffinity that the change would create.
Like


"thoughts cross my mind as I hold you
Did you buy the guilt that I sold you
will we make it through another day
as your self respect, fades away"

VS

thoughts cross my mind as I hold you
you buy the guilt that I sold you
We'll make it through another day
as your self respect, fades away

It does make the person selling the guilt seem more evil and less confused. Maybe more confident and arregant. I'm not sure how I feel about that but from a technical point of view it works very well to me.

Well I've got to go.

Later

Dave
 
F.S...Ya I see what you are saying . The rythmic flow would go a little off!Cutting the "DID" makes the question more direct.. as in the conversational attitude gives it more of a off handed feel ..Its like you are talking directly to the subject..It makes the listener feel like you are talking to them...However there is nothing wrong with useing "DID" you cant take everything away..I guess in looking further "WILL" and "AS" would have to go too..I dont know the melody that you have so its all a guess!I try to lose as many linking words as I can ,it gives the words that you want people to hear more impact..But thats my habit and in no way anything more than opinion..I listened to "Hells Garden" and I thought that you had some cool things going there!I will listen to it again.Kinda remided me of Crash test Dummies..I liked that band alot


Don
 
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Ya True

I some times cutt connecting words as well. It can cause someone to fill in the blanks making it their story. I ussualy lose a couple words after a quick write.

F S
 
Spell Polease

I like the line.."Ignoring desparation in your eyes"
How about..."Ignoring desparation in your shighs"....Don

Apparently "shighs" is mispelled, is it supposed to be "sighs" or "thighs"?

:-)

Bubba
 
Bubba....You know I could never spell ..LOL ! I noticed that alot
of the guys here seem to have the same problem!Its funny we are all creative with the written word yet we can't spell it.LOL...
sighs .dam

Don
 
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Spelling

Its funny we are all creative with the written word yet we can't spell it.LOL...


When I read other's posts I quickly zero in on mispells and typos. Then I go back and reread some of my posts and I'm just as bad as everybody else. I guess I need proof reading lessons. But I do like the line "ignoring desperation in her thighs", though in real life I've never been able to ignore desperate thighs.
Bubba
 
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