OK, so this will make me unpopular, but...
I'm not sure which mix I'm listening to (bottom one, original post), but I'm not hearing the vocals "in the mix", they seem to be floating on top somewhat... and I think a bit more variety in delivery wouldn't go astray. And FTG, your pitch is wavering/and or off a little on the long held notes at the end of the phrases - exact same problem I have ...few lip smacks as VHS has mentioned, bit more dynamism perhaps towards the end of the song wouldn't go astray, it's all a bit the same? Just a thought.
Lyrically, whenever I hear "I keep a close watch" I'm reminded of The Blackeyed Susans (this won't mean jack to anyone but Ray) doing Close Watch off the Welcome Stranger album, although the songs are otherwise completely different.. exact same phrase. I think that was a cover, actually..
Ido's cameo guitar solo is a bit overcompressed for mine and clearly a drop in - I'm getting timing and tuning/intonation issues, I hate to say... listen to those single notes at 1.43-1.45 and tell me I'm wrong... I also don't think it fits the song particularly well, stylistically. I'd be looking for something a bit more "alt" and angular... whatever that means.
I like the backing and the song, and with some decent drums it could be lifted nicely.
I want to like it but this one's not hanging together for me... sorry guys, much as I like your individual stuff..
Feel free to ignore me... long dull week at work.. probably not the best time to listen.