Too controversial for 2008?

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rayc

rayc

retroreprobate
I woke up with about 1/3rd of this in my head this morning.
Is it still too controversial to be worked up in 2008?
Are there too many puns & double entendre's for it to work?

Jack locked Jackie in Camelot,
Bid her chaste and always on view.
As he plough a furrow for privilege,
For the moneyed and the few.

He asked what he could do for his country,
And the country took the bait.
While he smiled and styled and made the noises,
With which good could perhaps equate.

A man for the times need make his mark,
Saw red, huffed and put up his dukes.
Unblinkingly speeding into cold conflict,
& lighting a fuse ‘neath the nukes.

Guantanamo’s not the only Bay,
With a legacy of irrational stance.
The Pigs didn’t fly as they stood eye to eye,
Rattling sabres and pointing the lance.

Dalliance with fame, dirty with stars,
Some croon stitched into a dress.
Only to end up dead on the bed,
In yet another CIA mess.

Then Daddy’s little soldier,
In shorts and jacket saluting.
Passing stars, bars, guncarriage,
& backward boots after the shooting.

Millions remember where they were,
& remember the winds of change.
But where Nero had fiddled others have diddled,
& the secret service limited the range.

Now presidents & stars readily interchange,
No need to live fast & die looking good.
Jimmy D & Jack hadn’t twigged to the lack,
Or the bodies buried deep in the wood.
 
My 0.02$

Hey there, nice job.
I don't think you should judge what you do for being "too controversial". You have freedom of speech, and if that is what you think, go on ad say it!
Cheers and a Happy New Year!

PS: I can really not judge your lyrics, neither for the style, nor for the message. I don't feel in the position of arguing about style, as I really am a newbie and just dropped in to take a look. Concerning the message, everyone's got their own political/ethical/whatever views, so you'll surely find someone encouraging you in saying what you said, and someone telling you it's a heap of sh*t.
 
I woke up with about 1/3rd of this in my head this morning.
Is it still too controversial to be worked up in 2008?
Are there too many puns & double entendre's for it to work?
Click to expand...

What were you dreaming to wake up with this in your head? Heh, heh, heh....
Seriously, I think that the double entente and puns are vital to this type of lyric. It forces the listener to think and listen more intently than they might otherwise. Nice job.

Guantanamo’s not the only Bay,
With a legacy of irrational stance.
The Pigs didn’t fly as they stood eye to eye,
Rattling sabres and pointing the lance.
Click to expand...

This stanza, in particular, is a great example.
 
paine & upfiddler,
Thanks heaps.
I was concerned because I'm not from the US & Kennedy, whilst an international icon, is a demi god to many over there. The only songs I've heard about him were about the day, the loss, the brilliant promise etc except for one by The NEW RACE which has the immortal line "Jackie, Jackie Kennedy - hold onto his brain" & whilst that was at least co-written by an American it was perfomred by an unknown supergroup - yes a bit of a oxymoron I know but members of the MC5, Stooges & Radio Birdman combining is a supergroup to me.
To get back on track - I've not heard any music based critique - plenty of docos but not music. I woke up with a bunch of lines & was keen to at least archive them if not work on them. I didn't want to be too offensive as I know there are some chords that really strike the brown note. I read the classic perverse paraphrase during yesterday that blew the pompous concern bubble I was in ..."a mist wrapped in an enema" Terry Pratchett.
Thanks folks I'll keep at it.
 
rayc said:
I woke up with about 1/3rd of this in my head this morning.
Is it still too controversial to be worked up in 2008?
Are there too many puns & double entendre's for it to work?
Click to expand...

Great writing Ray. You always impress with your advanced grasp on the language. You also have the ability to craft a thought provoking tale on important issues as in this case.

I think the things you have written about here need to be said. Avoiding them, which many do, is comparable to an ostrich with their head in the sand. Many of us are like that, trying to pretend there is no problem.

Some may find the words a bit too true for their taste and defend the subjects vehemently.

Definitely keep the puns & double entendre's - they are part of the perfection.

:cool::):cool::)
 
Controversial is the new "black" for the season. It looks good on you!
 
nothing is off limits..that's what it means to be human
 
There are some very good phrases in these lyrics. I found myself thinking a couple of times "I wish I would have written that phrase" (to me - my ultimate compliment:D).

Regarding too controversial - I don't think so. The legacy of the Kennedy's and the myth of Camelot have dulled with time. Given the mud that American politics had been dragged through during the last two administrations, I doubt if many hold any political figure as a diety any longer (not even Jack Kennedy).

Politics aside - some very clever writing. I agree with up-fiddler, the double entente and the "tongue in cheek" story telling is what makes these lyrics so good!!!
 
Mien Collaborateur has reworked the lyric a bit & we've a backing track for it.
Hopefully he'll send me a melody draft to the the musical draft this weekend & I'll post it.
have a squiz: is there anything that should be reinstated from the original or worked on further?
I'm well pleased with Terry's development & he threw in caisson which is what my brain was reaching for but couldn't recall at all.

JFK – Rework 1 (03/JAN/20008)
Jack Locked Jackie in Camelot
Chaste, and always on view
While ploughing a furrow of privilege
For only the moneyed and few

What can you do for your country?
Applaud, and take the bait
Smile, style, from substance resile
Balloons always deflate

A man for his times fights red with red
Throw the dogs in the circle and bet
A bay in the tropics felt the first chill
Of a cold time that is with us yet

The pigs didn’t fly when they stood eye to eye
On the shoreline, pointing the lance
In its shadow today, Guantanamo Bay
Is the child of irrational stance

Fame is dirty, it sullies the night
Some croon stitched into a dress
Tongue-kissing power, ends up dead on a bed
In another “need to know” mess

Daddy’s little soldier – shorts, jacket, saluting
As the caisson goes rolling along
Backwards boots pointing, after the shooting
While stars through their tears sing their songs

Everyone tells you they knew where they were
An ill wind they all thought was change
For the strings of a puppet can be cut at the whim
Of the true masters of the grange.

Copyright 2008 – Berman Cochrane – Pygmy Beat
 
God sets limits

TerraMortim said:
nothing is off limits..that's what it means to be human
Click to expand...

Being human, means you are obliged to obey Right, and reject wrong.

Having the "right to free speech", cannot nor should not be used as a ticket to offend and do evil.

OF course, today's world is in love with self, immorality, pushing the envelope on other peoples' buttons, not caring what others think, and most especially rejecting the Creator.

Similarly, "I am an actor on camera or stage, so all my fornicating and balspheming is not wrong. We have license to do whatever we want! It's just a movie, or play. I'm only doing what actors do!"

So, eat more of the buffet. You won't have to worry about your soul hurting... until that Day.


THIS IN RESPONSE TO THE REMARK THAT NOTHING IS OFF LIMITS
 
Last edited:
Toddskins,
Does that translate that you're a practising Catholic American offended by a) my writing about JFK, b) by JFK doing what he did behind the guise of his Catholicism, c) that you have no opinion of the text but all heathens should journey toward the pit as a modernist collective in as much of a hurry to get there as to aquire commodities or d) you just dropped in to be conservatively controversial?
Our prime minister of 11 years, finally dumped late last year, was an arch conservative - & such a one that he over reached himself to return to the "good old days" and stepped into radical reactionaryism.
Nevertheless: hello!
 
Q & A

rayc said:
Toddskins,
Does that translate that you're a practising Catholic American offended by a) my writing about JFK, b) by JFK doing what he did behind the guise of his Catholicism, c) that you have no opinion of the text but all heathens should journey toward the pit as a modernist collective in as much of a hurry to get there as to aquire commodities or d) you just dropped in to be conservatively controversial?
Our prime minister of 11 years, finally dumped late last year, was an arch conservative - & such a one that he over reached himself to return to the "good old days" and stepped into radical reactionaryism.
Nevertheless: hello!
Click to expand...

In a word, "No."

It does not translate to me being a Catholic American, has no opinion about JFK, not about your writing at all, nor your prime minister.

Nor was I "dropping in" to be controversial. My last line of my post made that clear.

I might be one of the few remaining humans who knows that right is always right, and wrong is always wrong, and that I'm disgusted by my generation of living humans who dishonor God, and it pours over into every facet of life, culture, politics, work, arts, etc. But until "they" kill me, I will continue to speak up and cite correction, where I am inspired to do so.


Oh, and hello to you too!
 
Great lyrics Ray and Terry... Sophisticated, with a thought provoking story within. I'm looking forward to hearing the recording....:)
 
I think it's great..I wrote a song that I felt the sameway about..I live in the US and am so tired of our rights being raped by our gov. so I wrote a song about it.

AN AMERICAN REVOLUTION
www.myspace.com/audiobayproductions
 
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