The Purely Visual Struggles of a Partially Reconstructed Male. A beginning.

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rayc

rayc

retroreprobate
Here's a new lyric I started last week. I was reading The Doors of Perception by Aldos Huxley and was struck by his excellent yet strangely formal written English. I recalled the date of its writing and the fact that much/most written English was formal and not a little wordy back then. I decided to write something in a similar style. I failed because I tried to work to a fairly strict syllable count & metre. Neverthless, I think a few interesting phrases came out of the reading & writing. I decided to go for a shift in narrative/formality gear for a planned keychange coming into a solo then back into the original, more oblique story. I also added some phonetic breakdowns where I wanted the word/s to be said formally or differently.
I even threw in a joke - a poor one based on an old existential conundrum/pun.
Any thoughts, comments, suggestions folks?

The Purely Visual Struggles of a Partially Reconstructed Male.

The poor quietist is not quite, 8 (note not EST, IST -someone who keeps quiet)
Detached from all the nettles. 6
Of the pale neurotic heroine, 9 (new rotik)
Who’s presence tests his mettle. 7

Though Cubist’s eyes see plastics arts, 8
Spread out along the string. 6
The pharmacologist’s repertory, 10 (reppertree)
Delivered by hireling. 7 (high er ling)

In my stupor I shirk it, 7 (stew pah)
Hold my stoic serenity. 8 (stow ick)
Put on my mental makeup, 7
Of managed reality. 7

Is Dharma Body a hedge fund? 8 (dar mah)
Human capacity. 6
Recording her legible sleep talk, 9
Know how she might perceive me. 7 (per see v)

My beatic visions clouded, 8 (bee attic)
An active principle. 6
Itching fear of gothic aspirations, 10 (ass peer ay shuns)
Even less manageable. 7

In my stupor adoring, 7
Generational fealty. 8 (fee al tee)
Put on my mental makeup, 7
I manage servility. 7

Unpleasant possibilities, 8
Potential for the past. 6
Decomposition of adrenaline, 10 ( a dren a lin)
Guarantees the die is cast. 7

In my stupor I shirk it, 7
But hold fragile serenity. 8
Touch up my mental makeup, 7
A sense of civility. 7 (siv ill ity)

Runaways eats chocolate 7 (choc o lat) m/8 & poss key change
Just stolen from the garage store 8 (ga rarge)
Shelter ‘neath the overpass 7 (neeth)
Where young lovers go no more. 7

In my stupor I see it, 7
Cold, stoic serenity. 8
Adjust my mental makeup, 7
To buy some tranquillity. 7

In my stupor I work it, 7
Drop stoic serenity. 8 (stoe ick)
Remove my mental makeup, 7
Can’t manage reality. 7
 
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I need the music !
In a number of rock songs there are puns, misspellings and double entendres that fly under the radar because when set within the music, any smartness is lost. For those that like lyrics it's a little different, but even then, I have to like the song in order to appreciate the subtlety and smartness of the lyric. Two examples that spring to mind for different reasons are "Strawberry fields forever" {Always, no, sometimes think it's me/but you know I know when it's a dream/ I think I know, I mean, ah yes, but it's all wrong/ that is, I think I disagree} in which the confusion and hesitency of the lyric doesn't really come across because the music is so good, or more to the point, I didn't notice it for 20 years till it was pointed out in a book, and "Pretty Vacant" in which Johnny Rotten sneaks in using the word 'c u n t' in the way he pronounces vacant, a very English teenage phrase in 1977. Looking at the former lyric without hearing the song you'd catch the meaning, looking at the latter you'd never get Rotten's joke but you would instantly hearing it sung.
 
Sorry, I can't give you the music as I haven't sorted it yet. Even if I had the music there'd be no melody - I have ZERO capacity with melody which, along with my one random note sing range, is why I collaborate.
Used to play Pretty Vacant in a covers band in the very early 80's and we enjoyed the sneakiness of the lyric.
I remember seeing the Pistol's vid with a group of friends in a dorm - male & female- 1st time hearing & seeing almost everyone drew breath at the chorus except for a couple who were too thick & another who was too offended by the band's existence to even look at the clip.
I have to admit to not having actually listened to the lyric of Stawberry Fields. Apart from hearing them on the radio the Beatles were a great cartoon show to me in my preteen life. I got into the "white" album because of the raucous sounds and incendiary lyrics though.
 
C'mon folks, if it's really THAT bad tell me. Tell me why/how/where/when/what.
I posted this to find out if I was going too far in a direction.
Does the redorection in the bottom stanza work? Is the change of gear into the m/8 section too off track?
Cheers in anticipation.
 
This is university level work compared to my 1st grade level lyrics... These are thought evoking and rich in language and imagery. This is the kind of stuff teachers will make you write an essay on. You just need a channel to get them out there and famous so you can retire when they publish it :D. Good job !
 
Ah, Gerry. the point is YOUR lyrics strike a chord in people. You write about your emotions unafraid of them and their reception.
I would give a lot to be able to write the way you do.
I have to content myself with sometimes stilted and often pretentious word play.
What I mean is I write form & you write substance.
I'll take the compliment about it being study worthy (mind you it has a quality backhander about dry tosh being force fed to over stimulated teens).
 
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I'm not a lyricist or a vocalist so I can't give you any creative input, but I can tell you the impression of an average listener :D
It all seems a little complicated to me. I think if you're trying to send a message across, or touch the listener on a personal level, this might not be the best approach. If, however, you're trying to do something unique, i.e not very generic, I could see this working. Not sure if I made my point clear, but that's just my opinion. There's no doubting the creativity though. It's clear there was a lot of hard work and time put into this. Overall, very interesting !
 
it sounds cool: more intelligently and metaphorically poetic than a normal song.
here's some ideas about music:
1) since there isn't a specific mood here, i'd go with something ambient, somewhat psychedelically, dynamic, abstract, etc. this also allows your words to come through
2) when i write without music, it comes out as spoken word or rap. you could simply speak some of the lines. make it kinda spooky with the psychedelic music
3) through time, you will loose attachment to the song (it happens to ALL of mine) and you will be willing to change/alter it. if that time comes, it will be easier to fit it to music because you wont be so caught up with every word.
4) for some reason when i started reading this the first thing that came to mind was maynards lyrics from Tool. listen to a few tool songs. he has a way with fitting complicated lyrics like these into music and making it work. of course they also use more time signatures than they do chord progressions, but you'll get some ideas...
5) dont be afraid in the future to keep it simple. i have the same problem--too much to say. I'll sometimes start writing a song, take one or two lines of it, and write a whole, very specific song on that. now, that doesn't ALWAYS work. and if you want to write a psychedelic/imaginative song, you've done it right. but simple ideas make the music flow way easier cause you can be so mood specific.
 
saads,
No particular message really. I'm just playing with how words look and sound when thrown together. It could be dryly academic I suppose - as I wrote in the 1st post: I read a couple of books The Door of Perception (a semi scholarly work on the mescalin ) and the English translation of the Welsh short novel The String of Time and was taken by the formal language of the former and the phrasing of the latter. Thanks for the perspective.
AlecBeretz,
Yeah, this is pretty fresh & will need some time to settle before I edit it. I have trouble keeping it simple - I can't write about emotion without mawkishness so I hide my ineptitude behind a phonetic forest. Thanks mate.
 
Hello Folks,
I'm going for a personal record: 300 views for only four responses.
Join the fun!
 
English is much more terse, more concise these days. When you look at journalism of the early twentieth century, it is more verbose and much richer than it is now.

For that reason I get excited when I see some linguistic experimentation, and an unearthing of nearly forgotten words.

There is a danger in there, though. There is a risk that it will sound pretentious and contrived. The musical vehicle needs to be thought about carefully.

I think you have here a remarkable set of lyrics, and I look forward to seeing what happens next.
 
It's all very clever, Ray. The only two lines I would consider modifying are...

Where young lovers go no more.
(Consider: "Where young lovers love no more", which adds a little spice.)

&

To buy some tranquillity.
(Consider: "To reach for tranquility", which adds an element of uncertainty.)

...but, it's actually fine the way it is in its original form as you wrote it.

Cheers,
Joseph
 
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