rayc
retroreprobate
HELLO FOLKS! Is there anybody out there? Is there anybody listening?
Iwould love a critique of these lyrics if you'd be so kind.
KK has given them a look & offered a suggestion or two. Thanks mate!
Anyone else?
I can be pedantic and hard when critiquing lyrics. I'm quite happy to be served up as well. I'm here to learn after all!
Here's a chance to strike back folks!
I have a song I'm constructing & haven't decided what lyrics to set with it.
I have two sets below that fit reasonably well within the backing.
What I would like to know is which appears to be a better lyric AND what issues do I need to resolve in terms of the usual: theme, narrative, metre, rhyming scheme, pomposity etc etc. Thanks in advance and: have at it!
The 1st lyric was rather wordier & it flowed well in a spoken form but was untidy in a singing sense so I've pared it back rather heavily. It's aggressive in theme, narrative and language.
The second is gentler: obdurate and obscure as is the 1st, but less aggressively so. The narrative is ppossibly more consistent and there's a distinct feel/flavour quite different to the 1st.
What needs fixing and which is better prepared to use?
Haemophiliac Heroes Syllable Count Issues
VERSE ONE
Plastic sheets of moonlight 7
Reflect in a cracked glass eye 7
Neon illuminates suicides 9
Who had never learnt to fly. 7
Time bombs flock to Sunday schools 7
With their leather bridle eyes 7
Where carrion feast on stale thoughts 9
Fattened on open lies. 7
CHORUS 1
Hidden, luminous, backstreet warriors, 10
metamorphosed denizens of the deep, 8 (del wrong pron & sp should be metomorphosized p lic.?)
Reduced pseudo-Casanova rapists, 10
Through lost innocence they creep. 8
VERSE TWO
And they, finding Lady Love 7
A sad and lonely girl 7
Unleash a thousand lost fantasies 9
Almost none of which unfurl. 7
Cellophane-clad merchandise 7
Again tread the beaten path 7
& on new Freedom’s vanquished moments 9
Sail winds of the aftermath. 7
CHORUS TWO
But multilingual electric deathcries 10
Simply shatter their perspex minds 8
& yet again their testament is sworn 10
Across a thousand neon signs. 8
VERSE THREE
All too soon the collector 7
Undertakes his evening rounds 7
Charged to extract the final payment 9
Be it cash or flesh by pounds. 7
Phosphorescent plastic daydreams 8
Now crowd into the cell 6
Switchblade waving gladiators 8
In horror turn to gel. 6
CHORUS THREE
And the lying, crying, moulded dollies 10
Who would once strut and dance and pose 8
Just a short step from teenage rubber queen10
To a middle-aged rubber hose. 8
REPRISE
Yet with waxen eyes his bruise tattooed lass 10
Is fairly bubbling with mirth. 8
Or
Hidden, luminous, backstreet warriors, 10
metamorphosed denizens of the deep, 8
OR????
cochrane
The Keeper Syllable Count issues
V1
And the keeper did come 6
Bringing keys for the cage 6
But he walked through the corridor 7
And onto the stage 5
Ch1
As he turned to the crowd 6
There seated in his mind 6
And searched all the faces 7
For a love lost to find 6
V2
His tears fell like kisses 6
On bright velvet robes 6
And his eyes blinked like lanterns’ 7
beneath unlight strobes 6 unlit
Ch2
& so bowing he turned 6
And he walked to the wings 6
His mind floated in mem’ries 7 mem ries
Of less painful things 6
V3
He followed the chalk marks 6
On the bare timber walls 6
& past lighthouses dormant 7
And through empty halls 5
Ch3
Still on through the evening 6
Of a starless white sky 6
To a place where the hangman 7
Himself had to die 5
Ch Reprise
There to lay himself down 6
On the earth and the snow 6
And fade into Present, 7
Past Future to know 5
cochrane
Iwould love a critique of these lyrics if you'd be so kind.
KK has given them a look & offered a suggestion or two. Thanks mate!
Anyone else?
I can be pedantic and hard when critiquing lyrics. I'm quite happy to be served up as well. I'm here to learn after all!
Here's a chance to strike back folks!
I have a song I'm constructing & haven't decided what lyrics to set with it.
I have two sets below that fit reasonably well within the backing.
What I would like to know is which appears to be a better lyric AND what issues do I need to resolve in terms of the usual: theme, narrative, metre, rhyming scheme, pomposity etc etc. Thanks in advance and: have at it!
The 1st lyric was rather wordier & it flowed well in a spoken form but was untidy in a singing sense so I've pared it back rather heavily. It's aggressive in theme, narrative and language.
The second is gentler: obdurate and obscure as is the 1st, but less aggressively so. The narrative is ppossibly more consistent and there's a distinct feel/flavour quite different to the 1st.
What needs fixing and which is better prepared to use?
Haemophiliac Heroes Syllable Count Issues
VERSE ONE
Plastic sheets of moonlight 7
Reflect in a cracked glass eye 7
Neon illuminates suicides 9
Who had never learnt to fly. 7
Time bombs flock to Sunday schools 7
With their leather bridle eyes 7
Where carrion feast on stale thoughts 9
Fattened on open lies. 7
CHORUS 1
Hidden, luminous, backstreet warriors, 10
metamorphosed denizens of the deep, 8 (del wrong pron & sp should be metomorphosized p lic.?)
Reduced pseudo-Casanova rapists, 10
Through lost innocence they creep. 8
VERSE TWO
And they, finding Lady Love 7
A sad and lonely girl 7
Unleash a thousand lost fantasies 9
Almost none of which unfurl. 7
Cellophane-clad merchandise 7
Again tread the beaten path 7
& on new Freedom’s vanquished moments 9
Sail winds of the aftermath. 7
CHORUS TWO
But multilingual electric deathcries 10
Simply shatter their perspex minds 8
& yet again their testament is sworn 10
Across a thousand neon signs. 8
VERSE THREE
All too soon the collector 7
Undertakes his evening rounds 7
Charged to extract the final payment 9
Be it cash or flesh by pounds. 7
Phosphorescent plastic daydreams 8
Now crowd into the cell 6
Switchblade waving gladiators 8
In horror turn to gel. 6
CHORUS THREE
And the lying, crying, moulded dollies 10
Who would once strut and dance and pose 8
Just a short step from teenage rubber queen10
To a middle-aged rubber hose. 8
REPRISE
Yet with waxen eyes his bruise tattooed lass 10
Is fairly bubbling with mirth. 8
Or
Hidden, luminous, backstreet warriors, 10
metamorphosed denizens of the deep, 8
OR????
cochrane
The Keeper Syllable Count issues
V1
And the keeper did come 6
Bringing keys for the cage 6
But he walked through the corridor 7
And onto the stage 5
Ch1
As he turned to the crowd 6
There seated in his mind 6
And searched all the faces 7
For a love lost to find 6
V2
His tears fell like kisses 6
On bright velvet robes 6
And his eyes blinked like lanterns’ 7
beneath unlight strobes 6 unlit
Ch2
& so bowing he turned 6
And he walked to the wings 6
His mind floated in mem’ries 7 mem ries
Of less painful things 6
V3
He followed the chalk marks 6
On the bare timber walls 6
& past lighthouses dormant 7
And through empty halls 5
Ch3
Still on through the evening 6
Of a starless white sky 6
To a place where the hangman 7
Himself had to die 5
Ch Reprise
There to lay himself down 6
On the earth and the snow 6
And fade into Present, 7
Past Future to know 5
cochrane
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