Sorry, I couldn't wait anymore

O

okobd

New member
Well guys, I'm sure my dad and sis will be mad I posted this Late night version of one of my songs. I just couldn't wait anymore.
Please judge for me the quality of the song, the rest is bad I know.(sorry) Anyway, for any one wearing headphones, at one point at the end of the first chorus I do get a little loud into the mike for a second. Thanks for listening, and thanks in advance for your pointers.
-joe

p.s. I hope this works:

http://www.nowhereradio.com/artists/?aid=3142/singles

you may have to cut and paste, sorry.

daf, help?!
anyone?!
I can't even believe I actually cut it and got it up there in the first place! (Me humbly giving myself kudos to offset the flames to come)
 
okobd,
I wonder if the song would have felt as much like 3 in the morning if you had not given it a time. Sounds like late night to me. I liked the I see whats wrong/ tell you it's nothing/ all in my mind combination. Nice compact way to express this thought. I also had trouble understanding the words. Lyrics would help. Maybe then you would get those flames you were bracing for. The guitar at times reminded me of Leadbelly. Makes me wonder if there are certain times a day a song should be recorded. Cool feeling to this version. The link worked fine.
 
lyrics and thanks

joro and terocious, here you go guys thanks for the listen.

I Try
words and music by Joe Rogers

I always thought I would make a good lover
And I always tried to be a good man
Said that you never would look for another
And told me you’d love me as long as you can -- and you try.

Proving that portraits don’t paint a good picture
Showing that sharply starched shirts are a scam
I was the guy in the front row left corner
Wearing a smile just as wide as I can – cause I try
Oh God, I try

CHORUS:
How long will you take it
How many times will you cry
How many years will you make it
And how long will you try
Yeah how long will you try

25 years I was searching for something
25 more and I hope I might find
Ask me what wrong and I’ll tell you it nothing
Telling myself that’s it’s all in my mind—I try

Looking for love in the midst of the sorrow
Looking around, I don’t have to look far.
Hoping you’ll stay for just one more tomorrow,
You say I love you the way that you are-- cause you try
Why do you try

CHORUS
 
terocious

thanks again, I'll have to listen to leadbelly, I don't think I've ever heard them before. Thanks for the compliments. I was really nervous.
-joe
 
okobd,

Actually the Leadbelly to which I refer is Hudie Ledbetter a blues singer who played ten or twelve string guitar and whose voice and phrasing always blew me away. It would not surprise me if there was a band named "leadbelly" as well ala Dylan Thomas/Bob Dylan.

Ok back to I Try. I find that one good line can make me love a song and you gave me four in a row with-

"Proving that portraits don’t paint a good picture
Showing that sharply starched shirts are a scam
I was the guy in the front row left corner
Wearing a smile just as wide as I can – cause I try
Oh God, I try "

That is a lot of fun. Took me to a bunch of different places just reading it.

This is a really complex song which explores itself nicely. There is something personal going on between the two characters that I am not privy to but I am given just enough imformation about to use my imagination and to draw my own parallels with (which I did by the way.) Bravo! ooh, ooh, Record it again.
 
Wow! thanks again

You know,I read a post in another thread talking about how you should be careful to not make it too personal and I wondered if some of my stuff was. Thanks again, and don't worry as soon as sis and dad here this i'm sure they'll make me take it down and re-record. Can't wait to learn how to actually record. Not to mention sing. I always seem to write out of my range.
thanks again, more than you know.....-joe
 
a little vaque okobd but, good none the less...
I like this man,
Take it easy,
Joe
 
joro said:
a little vaque okobd but, good none the less...
I like this man,
Take it easy,
Joe
Click to expand...

Thanks Joe, I appreciate it, alot. I was starting to think nobody was gonna say anything.
I hear you, on the vague thing. I'm not sure if that was by design or not. It just kinda comes out, you know.
Thanks again,
the other joro------gers
 
I like your lyrics :) Good luck with your next stuff.

...Sorry, I realise that its not especially constructive to just say 'I like it'. I thought they were nicely suggestive and weren't over the top or blatantly mushy - they were personal without being too spelt out. I'm waffling here but I'm just trying to be more specific about what I like about it so it might actually be of some use...but what the hell would I know :D
 
Charlie

Man I really appreciate it! I feel you with the response! I always feel like I'm just goin: I dig it man, or...good job.
I'm gonna try to waffle a little more myself.
Thanks again for the compliments.
-joe
 
Re: Wow! thanks again

okobd said:
You know,I read a post in another thread talking about how you should be careful to not make it too personal ....
Click to expand...

Joe,
I also read that and with no disrespect intended I say Phooey!

“The newspapers said/ she’s gone to his head/ They look just like two gurus in drag.”

How personal is that? I think whether or not a song is good depends on individual tastes. I do not believe that your top priority as a writer is to give people something they can easily understand and digest. How would you do that anyway when each person sees the world thru their own individual lens? I think it is your responsibility to try to communicate what you see thru your lens and by doing so you are creating a style but more importantly you are involved with your own process. I believe process is the reason we follow this or that artist’s work. We not only like their work but we like bearing witnesses to their process. What have they kept thru the years? What did they drop? Why did they drop it? Oh! It’s back and so on. A style can be your best friend (the exhilarating feeling that you are onto something) or your worst enemy (oh no I keep writing the same song over and over) but it is most important to remember that writing this song is part of a much larger process and I for one would much rather get to know Joe thru his music than what Joe thinks I want to hear.

"I was the guy in the front row left corner
Wearing a smile just as wide as I can" -Good stuff
 
Re: Re: Wow! thanks again

terocious said:
I do not believe that your top priority as a writer is to give people something they can easily understand and digest. How would you do that anyway when each person sees the world thru their own individual lens? I think it is your responsibility to try to communicate what you see thru your lens and by doing so you are creating a style but more importantly you are involved with your own process.
Click to expand...

I agree to a point with what you are saying here terocious....
If you are a performing artist/songwriter...you can establish your own following and people will tend to understand where it is you are coming from with your writing....
If you write for others....well...I think it needs to have universal appeal and the message/story is easily understood by the audience....ya know?


terocious said:
"I was the guy in the front row left corner
Wearing a smile just as wide as I can" -Good stuff
Click to expand...

I agree...
This is a great line Joe...very cool...
Joe :D
 
joro,
You are right. Writing for others places a great deal more emphasis on coming up with something that someone you may never meet can understand and intepret. It is interesting when the two cross over and a highly personal and I would even say encrypted song like "The day the music died" becomes such a cultural icon that it is remade with very little to go on.
 
Re: Re: Wow! thanks again

terocious said:
Joe,
I also read that and with no disrespect intended I say Phooey!

“The newspapers said/ she’s gone to his head/ They look just like two gurus in drag.”
Click to expand...

I love that song. I'm gonna say if its good enough for Lennon.....

Anyway, you guys are making alot of sense. I hope the songs I write meet the expectations of the listener, but when I'm writing it, often times the listener is intended to be one person, and other times it's just something on my mind and is my way of talkin to anyone who'll listen.
Thanks again to you both.
-okobd
 
Ive been trying to study songwriting from a commercial angle - it would be nice to make a few $$$ off a song just once........

so.....

the chorus - the heart of the song - doesnt stand alone......if you gave me just the words to the chorus I would not completely know the point of your song.....sit down and ask yourself what the point of the song is and let the chorus make that statement......let the verses build to that point.......

all of your verses have a A-B-A-B rhyme scheme except except the two lines "picture" and "corner" dont rhyme.......people will dog me for saying that those lines have to rhyme, but if you start a rhyme scheme, be consistent....

http://www.rhymezone.com/

thats my biggest nitpicks....overall, I like the words youve chosen......

right now you have V-V-C-V-V-C ......Id bring in some more of the words into the chorus somehow and make a longer chorus with more of the main idea you want to get across, then re-write the verses as needed, probably being left with V-C-V-C......and if needed, a big bridge to bring in a 3rd chorus.......

my next suggestion is to dont be offended when you get criticism on your songs....take it all in......dont be afraid to rewrite a song......in that Jason Blume book youll learn that hit songs arent written, they are re-written.......I turned down a publishing deal with a very very very small time publisher because he said the song I had was good but too long......this was 10 years ago and it was a big lesson learned.......as a matter of fact I scrapped both verses of my last song, bye bye 2/3 of it.....now the first version "I" like, but probably would not be the best way to present it and have any slight chance of commercial success......

now, if "commercial" isnt what you are after, ignore my whole post.....
:D


MIKE
 
Gidge

Thanks for the time you took to really look at my song. I've truly been wondering what you think. I’m after commercial for sure. I’ve always said, truly, “I’d give it all up to be a rock n roll star.” Probably not a good motto but nonetheless I’ve always said it. That being said, it wasn’t until recently with my little sis coming on strong and dad getting back into it, did I realize that I truly like some of my songs more than others as I’m sure many of us do. I hear you about being flexable. Funny, I was thinkin about taking out a few measures in the music between verses, I'm gonna have to look at the suggestions you made more to see about it on this song, but I appreciate the input.
Anyway, thanks for the listen, and I hope someday, I’ll have as much stuff recorded as you.
-joe
-forgot to put who I was talkin to
 
gidge

Forgot to mention the picture, corner thing.
You caught me! I know. Don't tell anybody!!!!:D
-oko
 
Gidge,Oko and all,
I really like this forum with all its different viewpoints. I speak from a place of feeling like there would be a niche market for my music at best so forgive me if I fail to consider that there are people out there who would actually like to do this for there daily bread.:)
-b
 
heres my 2 cents.

i think there are some good lines in the song but it doesn't really gel into a theme, its too vauge.

the chorus "how long will you take it..how many times will you cry" makes the listener ask the question "what is it they are having to take and whats making them cry?" (that should be established in the 1st verse)
the line in the chorus "how many years will you make it" makes the listener ask the question "what is she making?" (asumming the "you" is female). In the context of the rest of the chorus IMO "how many years will WE make it" would fit better. Also in the 1st verse you establish that "you try" and in the 2nd verse "I try" So in the last line of the chorus you could sum it up up as "how long will we try".

maybe:

how long will we take it,
how many times will we cry,
how many years will we make it,
how long will we try.

to me the 3rd verse seems out of context to the rest of the song. The theme of the song seems to be that you love here and she loves you and you're both trying to make it work..through the obsticals of life. Then seems like you're switching to a 25 year search for "something" when the song implies that you found that something and you are "trying" to hold onto it.
It seems like if you are going to memtion the search for something you should put that in the 1st verse and establish that you found it. Or put it in the last verse and say you're still searching cause she's gone "even though we tried".

i think the song can be great with some fine tuning. Im just a nitpicker. I am very hard and critical on own songs and want that kind of input from others. It makes you a better writer
 
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