song to someone with greek origins - lyrics

[newbiewriter]

Hey everybody

I wrote these lyrics today and would love to hear what you think of them.
I am not sure if this forum is meant for lyric criticism, if not just ignore it or have an admin delete my post - the last thing I want to is seem like a spammer. Anyway, here we go. All feedback welcome

v1.
yes I remember how I chased you
trough every midnight bar Id find
past the drinkers past the poets
still to you my eyes were blind

v2.
Yeah I have heard your echo ringing
on the building sides tonight
you wanted me to see you
but never stepped into the light

chorus
and when I ask what you want from me
your answer is my world

v3.
yeah it was me right there behind you
2 footsteps down your hall
yeah it was me on the outside
casting shadows on your wall

v4.
and I've been knocking on your window
serenading an empty room
singing songs about an honest love
with no masquerade costume

chorus.
and when I ask what you want from me
your answer is it all

instrumental section

v5.
you gave me hints and tips of a real love
in a world thats just gone by
and through the rubbles through the ruins
I've been searching and found a lie

v6.
so now down this road you left me
still demanding me to run
but despite the miles I lay behind
you will never say I'm done

chorus - outro
and when I ask what you want from me
you answer is my soul

 

[gecko zzed]

I like the way you have put the song together . . . it flows well, there are some great images: "past the drinkers, past the poets", " . . .heard your echo ringing on the building sides . . .", " . . . me on the outside casting shadows on your wall . . ." and so on. These are impressive, original and imaginative lyrics.

So it is a great start.

But . . .

the story seems inconsistent.

In the first verse "I chased you", but "to you my eyes were blind".

So why do you chase if you don't notice this person you are chasing. Unless, of course, you meant it the other way, i.e. "to me your eyes were blind". This would make more sense, i.e. I was chasing you, but you never noticed me.

The second verse sounds more like this other person was trying to make themself known to you, but you never noticed: "you wanted me to see you but never stepped into the light".

I really like the feel of the first four verses. I am not so keen on the last two. "Searching and finding a lie" is too commonplace an image for my liking, and turns something unusual (the first four verses) into the mundane. It turns the whole song into a very common "I thought I meant something to you, but you treated me like a toy" story.

The last verse concludes the whole thing in (from my perspective) an unsatisfying way.

The story you are telling is difficult to unravel, and I would like to see a bit more work done on this to make it clearer. I am a great fan of ambiguity and obscurity, but there needs to be a strong spine to the lyrical flesh you put on this body. Who is pursuing and who is being pursued? Who wants to be noticed, and who is being overlooked? These need to be made clear (if not in the lyrics, at least in your mind, so that they become reflected in the lyrics).

The great heart of your work is the first four verses, finishing with the chorus. That's where I would stop. That's the place where the greatest intrigue sits. After that it is anticlimax.

 

[newbiewriter]

Hey Gecko

Thank you so much for the reply, I am really glad you liked it.
what I meant about the "to you my eyes were blind" was that I never found or saw the person I was chasing but I like your take on it even better that it is the person who is not noticing me. The same applies to the 2 verse that the person wants me to come along and find her but always hides for me.
Regarding the last two verses I must agree with you - they are the weakest parts of the song. The reason is that I am a beginner in songwriting, this is my 3 lyric ever, so I may be following the rules a bit too much. I read that it was important to tell the song like a story with a start and ending point therefor I felt like I had to complete the story.