Song idea i need improvement on

[appleyardrules]

alright
so here is this song idea i had
the playing is not really very tight because i did a recording right after i had the idea and im not able to re record it anytime because im up at college right now
but im looking for suggestions on this song, not mixing wise but musically/vocally
http://www.lightningmp3.com/live/file.php?fid=9145

thanks guys

 

[Whatmysay]

I’d pull some distortion of the r,guitar in the vs. and get a more metallic bass sound – to give it more of a reggae vibe in this section – I really love the fills and tempo pauses on the drums – reminds me of early Police. May be try slightly different rhythms on the l and r guitar or a bit of Leslie rota!

The really big fuzz in the pre-Ch/Ch actually de-energies the dynamic for me – think more crunch or really tight compression lower in the mix. Not crazed on the b. vox in Ch I know it a very now sound, but again it seems to take away from the energy suggested by the rhythm change. Maybe something staccato to counter-point the lead vox???

Love the little run downs at the end of the lines – they have the sort of tight bite that would be great in the rest of this section.

I love the idea of a play out, particularly an economical ‘radio friendly’ one like you’ve got – but why go for 80’s soft rock????? You reintroduce the feel of the Vs which is great but counter it with lead work more in the style of the Ch (staccato/manic jumping across the strings) – don’t let the energy drop or you’ll disappoint the listener.

This has a really tight rhythm section, but if you revisit some of the tone choices you’ve made – listen to ‘Can’t Stand Loosing You’ by the Police and steal some of their tones and ideas and add then to your own work and I think this tune could really lift.

HTH

Burt

 

[appleyardrules]

thank you very much good sir!
bump

lyrics

You got away again,
You've got a way with words
and conversation babe.
Im trying and trying to please you.
You gotta fool me out,
You've got a fool in doubt and im
hiding in im hiding in your dark
Try your best to write me off,
take a test and read my thoughts,
this wall is not to steep, climb up and up and up.
I've taken this too far, you've made these things too hard.
Missing me is not half as bad as missing you.

This is not the way things are supposed to be.
You know i cant change myself, and its killing me.

'Cause you and I both know,
that beware, enchantment grows,
and I can't hold back,
Till one of us attacks!

Can't you just live this way?
You'd never see the day I became a part,
a part upon my master plan.
It's coming over me
the waves and breaks and shores at sea
and I'm trying to keep myself up
trying to keep myself up.
This has to be the last
last time i ever cast you out of my skin, For good

This is not the way things are supposed to be.
You know i cant change myself, and its killing me.

'Cause you and I both know,
that beware, enchantment grows,
and I can't hold back,
Till one of us attacks!

 

[tsswitch]

When it suddenly goes heavy the first chord is really awesome, but then the next two turn it into a pretty cliche pop chorus. Something with a little more edge for the chorus would be cool I think as a contrast (half-steps maybe?).
Very pro song, though a bit radio-friendly for my personal tastes.