Something I just wrote called Framed Smiles

L

lend_me_talent

New member
Still rough its called

Framed Smiles

Verse 1
She came into the room
dimming its light for the last time
Would've begged her to stay
If I'd been in my right mind
Fooled by the illusion of immortality
She was my dream come true
but I couldn't see her quality

Prechorus
I dont know where she went
But she'll be with me tonight
she is never coming back
So I keep a piece of her inside

Chorus
Framed smiles on the walls
The only proof of life
In these empty halls

Verse 2
I was awakened today
by the sound of (my) tears
on the pillowcase
I've drank so much I'm sober
And still can't believe its over
I remember all those endless days
And all those nights of wonder

Prechorus
I dont know where she went
But she'll be with me tonight
she is never coming back
So I keep a piece of her inside

Chorus
We used to walk together
but we strayed from the path
There is no such thing as never
Now framed smiles are all I have

Feedback is always welcomed and appreciated

Joe Ford
 
This is your best yet, Lend_me! I like it a lot.

Here's my commentary:

Framed Smiles

Great Title!

Verse 1
She came into the room
dimming its light for the last time
Would've begged her to stay
If I'd been in my right mind
Fooled by the illusion of immortality
She was my dream come true
but I couldn't see her quality

those last three lines sound awkward to me

Prechorus
I dont know where she went
But she'll be with me tonight
she is never coming back
So I keep a piece of her inside

the last line of the pre-chorus could set up the chorus better I think. It should refer to frames somehow. How about this:

I don't know where she went
She's not coming back again
But she'll be here forever
In this faded 8 by 10

See what i mean? It sets up the chorus a little better IMO.

Chorus
Framed smiles on the walls
The only proof of life
In these empty halls

very nice chorus

Verse 2
I was awakened today
by the sound of (my) tears
on the pillowcase

very nice!

I've drank so much I'm sober
And still can't believe its over
I remember all those endless days
And all those nights of wonder

Prechorus
I dont know where she went
But she'll be with me tonight
she is never coming back
So I keep a piece of her inside

Chorus
We used to walk together
but we strayed from the path
There is no such thing as never
Now framed smiles are all I have


THis could be a great song.


got mojo?
www.voodoovibe.com
 
Good stuff.

I can't add much to what Aaron said.

This is a nice poetic piece which captures a mood and a moment so expertly. My favorite lines are the ones about waking to the sound of tears on the pillow. I had to think a second about it, and was going to suggest changing it to the "smell of tears" or the "salt in my tears" or something like that, but the "sound of tears" conveys a more powerful message of the pain you feel.

You need a few tweaks here and there, but this thing is NICE!

Good job.
 
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