Some help needed with these lyrics

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Scriabin

Scriabin

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Any critiques welcome, (especially on the "as she prayed aloud for more time") it just doesnt cut it and it needs more refining. It is a slower jazz song if that helps put it in context. Thanks

Magnolia


As the sultry Savannah moon
Breathed life into a smoke-filled room,
A mystery beneath a veil
Enticed my eye with a tempting stare.

Her touch was heaven-sent torment
Of alluring erotic descent
Provocatively inviting
Of sensuous thoughts and of sin.

I hesitated to ask her name as she slowly took my hand
But parting her guiltlessly crimson lips she charmingly began,

Magnolia
Magnolia
Magnolia
Magnolia

We waltzed beneath the pale moonlight
As she prayed aloud for more time
But when the 13th hour drew near
Without a goodbye she disappeared.

She left me holding an ivory magnolia from her hair
With a handwritten note signed forever yours in despair,

(Repeat chorus)
 
how about something like "as she prayed softly for no end to this heavenly night"
 
by the way very nice lyrics...might need a bridge to lengthen the storyline somewhat...but still very nice work:)
 
i think you've got something there, thanks for the help. Ive been debating a bridge but i thought i might want to streamline the song for time sake. Still a bridge might be a good idea if i can get it to significantly add to the storyline. Thanks!
 
How about:

We waltzed beneath the pale moonlight
As she prayed aloud that she might
Have more time, but the hour drew near
Without a goodbye she disappeared.

Kinda depends on the melodic rhythm whether splitting up the phrase like that will work.

"13th hour" wasn't working for me anyhow, but it depends on the delivery and setting, I guess.

Nice tune. Of course, **I** was thinking:

Magnolia,
Magnolia,
What makes your big head so hard?:D

But that's just me.

Cool idea, when do we get to hear it?
 
thanks for the reply dafduc:)

Well for the verses i tried to work within the framework of 8 syllables per line. For the line in question im thinking that i'd like to complete the thought of her time was running out before she had to leave. So perhaps "time" would be the word i would rhyme with moonlight? However, thank you for another alternative to fiddle with!

As of now, i decided to try something new, ive always written a melody and then worked the lyrics over top. With this song, Im working the other way around and at first glance it feels kind of liberating! Ive discovered that i enjoy writing lyrics first then tackling melodies.... I'm not sure how long it will be till its recorded, i still have alot of refining to do:)

Thanks friend for the help!
 
just had another thought, what if i changed it to present tense. Would it sound and flow better?
 
I love the vivid imagery in this lyric! It takes you right there! The only comment I would make would be that besides waltzing I don't know what else you did. If you are leaving it up to the audience to guess that's ok too...I would like to know what else you did do with Magnolia that night ;-). You have described the opening scene in this sequence of events very well, but it would be nice to hear more of this vivid imagery into the second verse.

You've got a good lyric happening here though so keep it up!

JMHO.........

Limoguy
 
Scriabin said:
just had another thought, what if i changed it to present tense. Would it sound and flow better?
Click to expand...


I like... OK

Past tense:

Her eyes cried out for more time


Present tense:

Her eyes cry out for more time



Kinda gives a feeling of silent anguish...no?

Also:

As we waltzed beneath the pale moonlight
Her eyes cried out for more time
But as the 13th hour drew near
In anguished silence she disappeared.




- Tanlith -
(New WebSite - Check it out if ya get a chance)
 
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