"Simple Ideals"

[andydeedpoll]

Hey... ive just finished these lyrics and i thought i'd see what You thought .

thanks.

its called "Simple Ideals" by the way.


<Verse 1>
I'm stood on the edge of your horizons.
Looking back at the hills of your mind.
The firey Spirit has a free run.
This is, where it shall end.

<Chorus>
And all it looks like is a falling tree,
And all it looks like is a fallen tree.
Carve me a throne,
and leave me a lone,
and we shall branch.
See Me.

<Verse 2>
Tragic hero carves his valley deep.
With a cave where our monsters sleep.
Siloette against a sun backdrop.
This is, where we shall meet.

<Chorus>

<Instrumental bridge... probably a guitar solo>

<Chorus>

<Verse 3>
Stood on the his mountain, writing his book.
Its all his now, hes all your concern.
His message in a bottle drifts out to sea.
"Lost For Words" was all that was written in that letter from me.

<Chorus>


any/all criticism welcome... as an afterthought... the guitar part at least (thats all ive written) is not unsimilar to some of the more guitar based Radiohead stuff. big build up through out, with some synth effects as well.

cool, thanks a lot

p.s. im sorry if this topic appears twice... i retyped it because i thought it hadnt uploaded for some reason probably clicked "Preview post" and then closed the window accidently

 

[Fat_Satchel]

hmmm....I wont say its bad. I dont think it is. But it does raise some issues for me.

The use of imagery is good, in and of itself. It gets a bit sappy in parts but as a whole the imagery just doesnt "go anywhere" for me. To be honest, after reading through it 3 times I felt like Id been on a nature walk. Im left wondering what all the horizons and trees and oceans and caves were for.

All three verses refer to "someone" but noone or thier actions are ever defined. Niether is it defined in the chorus why it all looks like fallen trees, or why "someone" should carve you a throne.

Alot of ideas and imagery are introduced but theyre never used to define a clear plot for the story you are telling, resulting in a rambling effect that is confusing.

Just my opinion...ya asked just remember...its art first and a song second

 

[badgas]

Hey Andy.
I have to agree with Fat.
There is too much unused clutter in your lyrics.

You have three verses and a chorus to tell the story.
There are two many unanswered questions that arise.

One of the things you have to remember when writing a song is that every word has to count for part of that song. Every sentence in that verse has to build up to the end. Define the premise of the song and keep it in mind as you write your v/c/b.

I had the same trouble when I began writing songs. I was just to damnable descriptive. I would write twenty lines about the glory of the vista, but nothing about the lady I was holding hands with.

Keep writing and don't get discouraged. Practice your new craft and it'll show with each song you produce.

You have some good lines in that song, but they don't connect with anything.

Hope this helps.
Good luck.

 

[Benreturns]

Id call it a poem.

Lyrics are nothing without a song behind them. They look like average 'deep' lyrics to me which every man and his dog can write.

Radiohead esq rock is dead mate. Apart from people who think they are a bit clever, this kind of intellectual stuff if old hat these days. And here comes the obligatory 17mins guitar solo.... yawn...

 

[andydeedpoll]

thanks a lot for the input... yeah, i havent been writing that long... and i hope i get better

Radiohead esq rock is dead mate.

why do you say that? i still listen to it but seriously, i think theres a lot to be said about not being too blunt about what youre writing about, and *trying* to put something a bit deeper into lyrics.

i dunno... *shrugs*

thanks for the input anyway

Andy

 

[Benreturns]

You caught me at a cynical moment last night...

I just cant imagine that being sung. It doesnt 'say' anything. I have no idea what its about and i cant identify with it.

This might sound daft - try and write a silly love song to start. Moon and June stuff. If you are trying to be a songwriter that will entertain then simple lyris may give you more scope on melody. Writing lyrics first and then saying "this bit is the chorus" - I cant do that myself. Does it fit? Its gotta flow. Pick up a guitar and sing.

For the record... i dunno, Radiohead. That Thom Yorke is the best con artist out. He's even managed to con himself in to believing he's some sort of genius. Look at him -never poplular, ugly bugger. Bullied. Not in with the girls or the main group at school. Called himself a deep intellectual musician instead.

Give me Noel Gallagher anyday!

 

[barthoque]

Give me Noel Gallagher anyday!

I've been to an Oasis concert once carrying a banner saying: "Noel, will you trash up my bedroom?"

He sucks!!! He won't be a Beatle nomatter how hard he tries.

He Andy, I have to agree with badgas, it's just too metaphorical.

 

[andydeedpoll]

hey,

thanks a lot for the criticism... when i first read it i thought you were all being pretty harsh, but then i played threw the song a few times, trying to look at it critically, and although im happy with the music for it, i realised that youre comments are pretty fair...

so i had another go, trying to keep the things you said in mind, about the whole 'metaphorical' thing... and also trying to get each line to make a bit more sense

so if you dont mind wasting some more time...

its called "If We All Knew"

Verse
What is it, you want me to hear?
Show me the pictures, you want me to see.
Run through the actors, screaming the lines,
that you want, them to say.

Chorus
It reminds me of a dream, that i saw on TV.
The ideas for a book, written in sand.
Told by a man, who knew what to say,
To bring us all right back to his flock.

Verse
The cover burns off, and shows what you hid.
The tapestries crumble, and show us the foor.
Our eyes adjust, to the site of the shade,
Your lights make us tremble, theres no where to hide.

Chorus

Bridge (Instrumental)

Verse
The shadows are deep, the sounds are unnerving.
The paths twist and turn, and slip from our feet.
The strangers confuse us, give us bad advice,
we turn and we struggle, back to your nest.

Verse

The facts are gone, the wool is over our eyes.
Keeping us warm, and wrapped up tight.
Our mind is a maze, and you have the map,
Our audience should cheer, we all ought to clap.

Chorus

any better?

please tell me its better...

thanks a lot

Andy

 

[barthoque]

This is better indeed. There are good lines in it and it's all a bit more clear. Like this line in particular: "It reminds me of a dream, that i saw on TV". Is this a re-write of the first lyrics or a new one? I can't see any comparison between the two.

He, don't take the criticism to serious. If you think it's good, that's more important than our opinions. We're just plain old critics, if we were that good we wouldn't be trolling around here.

 

[andydeedpoll]

in a way it was a rewrite, but i started from scratch .

i was working around the same ideas of control and leaving things behind and stuff.

but yeah, i started from scratch.

thanks a lot

andy

 

[Fat_Satchel]

Hey Andy...Ive been told I tend to be rather condescending in my comments...I mean them in a helpful way but I guess I gotta be me...no offense. Good to see you have thick skin...it comes in handy

I like this one alot better. There are some great lines here. Rather than comment Ill ask you a couple of questions to start.

1) Do you rewrite? I mean rewrite lines, parts, alternate verses/choruses/bridges, etc. as you write a lyric.

2) Do you read through your lyrics occassionally as you write? I mean read them as you would a newspaper article, not sung as you wrote them.

#2 ties into #1 and may help with word flow.

3) what style of music are you writing for? (not that it matters, just curious)

 

[andydeedpoll]

1) Do you rewrite? I mean rewrite lines, parts, alternate verses/choruses/bridges, etc. as you write a lyric.

2) Do you read through your lyrics occassionally as you write? I mean read them as you would a newspaper article, not sung as you wrote them.

kinda. it depends if i think its 'flowing' or not. its not something i conciously do a lot though... maybe i should

thanks

Andy