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[TheMusic]

Opinions on these two songs

Hey all, these are a couple songs I just whipped up fairly quickly...not really polished, but can I get some opinions on these?

When You Say Goodbye

Today was the last time
I held your heart against mine
You say it’s for the best
But if it is…
I don’t wanna pass this test

It hurts too much to see you walk away
It hurts so much I realize…
I’ve never known true pain…until this day
And you can see it in my eyes…
I just need to know…

(Chorus)
Can you tell me why
It won’t be me and you?
You say it’s your time to fly
But all I can do
Is feel my heart break in two
When you say goodbye
When you say goodbye…
(End Chorus)

So now it’s the end of us
It really doesn’t take much time
You say everything falls apart
I guess that includes my heart

Everything we built, everything we had
Our moment in the sun
Just a castle in the sand?
Built by two and smashed by one
Just waiting to be undone?

And just saying these words is hard to do
Letting go of me and you…
Burn these bridges, I don’t care
Who am I kidding?
I want you to be there

Can you tell me why
It won’t be me and you?
You say it’s your time to fly
But all I can do
Is feel my heart break in two
When you say goodbye
When you say goodbye…

(Repeat Chorus)

Let the Night Come

Each and every day
I feel the dirt and the grime of life
Until the darkness comes, the blessed grey
To wipe away this toil and strife

(Chorus)
Let the night come
It is my pleasant reprieve
To wash away what I have become
My own time to grieve

The words unspoken by day
All that the light blinds me from
All the monsters sincerity could not slay
And all my secrets the light did betray
(End chorus)

Dusk settles in soon
The searing glow begins to fade
The only glimmer is that of the forgiving moon
And I safe from it's righteous crusade

Drowsy and forgetful I do become
As the mask of sun breaks from its beams
The night weaves and sows
And plants these lovely dreams

(Chorus)
Let the night come
It is my pleasant reprieve
To wash away what I have become
My own time to grieve

The words unspoken by day
All that the light blinds me from
All the monsters sincerity could not slay
And all my secrets the light did betray
(End chorus)
(echo) All my secrets the light did betray…
Let me slip away…

 

[TheMusic]

Anyone...??

 

[Garry Sharp]

Really difficult to comment on lyrics alone - this is not a poetry forum. They might work - it's hard to tell - any chance you could post the music as well?

One thing I will say, I am a cliche fascist, I hate them, in your first song I spotted:

And you can see it in my eyes…
Is feel my heart break in two
Just a castle in the sand? (the line that follows is good tho')

It's a static song, a one theme lament, no movement, no resolution, no story or explanation. That can work, if it's what you intended.

The second set of lyrics is notably better than the first, IMHO. Would be nice if you could improve on "toil and strife" - it's a good plan to avoid phrases that you wouldn't use in everyday conversation, I think. Likewise "the only glimmer is that of..." We would just say "from", wouldn't we?

Anyway, take or ignore as you choose.

Have fun

Garry

 

[Purge]

Ditto that. The second one was much better than the first.

 

[TheMusic]

Thanks guys. I use some awkward phrases sometimes because I actually never sing out loud, I just write as i feel. But you're both right, it would probably work better to use everyday words.