rate my lyrics please?

  • Thread starter Thread starter ohsnant
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ohsnant

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hey i dont normally write songs i was just listening to some doors and had some paper and i just started writing? tell me what you think...
should i give up now or no?

She walked in as it struck 12
but no one was there
Whats going on today
and why do we bear?

They walked through the desert
too many things on their mind,
what will they find;
not what they left behind.

They are the ones i wish to be
the ones i cant stand
the ones all alone
with the power in their hands.

Why does it matter
who we will be?
we all end up together
packed into the sea
the sea of suffocation
no where to move
you might not have won
but i know you didnt lose.

Shes stressing about them
shes thinking of where,
but then it all hits her
she just doesn't care.
wrinkles the shirts
and she undoes her hair,
whats going on today
and why do we bear?--


we all end up together
packed in the sea
you might not have won
but i know you didnt lose.








ehhh? whatcha think.
 
Good - but the "Why do we bear" line grates me a little ... Why do we bear what? Just gramatically it's a little weak..

And the bit about us all ending up in the sea not having won or lost... it's a bit spurious to the rest of the lyrics in my humble opinion.

I'm imagining you singing this over a Doors type song - in which case I think it generally works pretty well... of course with song writing it's all about tonal phrasing - you could be singing rubbish and nonsensical words - if it's phrased right it'll still sound excellent... "I am the walrus" anyone?!

keep it up mate, maybe post the song for us to give it a listen...

Ian
 
the why do we bear line is the only thing that bothered me. Otherwise I think its good stuff. All dependent on music of course, but I think there's a good song to be found here.
 
Rhyme

Try make em not rhyme just to see what it looks like; forced rhyme blows, but so many people do it and get away with it...It depends on the artist. I think when everyone comes up with a song they want it to rhyme but that can be constricting sometimes....keep up the good work man, the music needs you!
 
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