Please review my first fully written and recorded song.

  • Thread starter Thread starter JeffC.
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JeffC.

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It doesn't really have a definite name yet.

these are the lyrics.

you kicked the snow from your shoes
as you enter my room
"you've got stories" you said
"and i want nothing more than to hear them"

you let your arm fall from my side
as if you're trying to hold on so tight
we sat in awkward silence for so long
as the radiator sqaulled

we talked in downward stares and sipped coffee
this apartment is only here to warm
and keep the two of us together

you slipped back on your shoes
as you walked out of my room
"I don't understand this" she said
"and I want nothing more than to feel"

we talekd in downward stares and sipped coffee
this apartment is only here to warm
and keep the two of us together
and keep the two of us
 
I like it, not bad for a first recording. Plus, they only get better from here.

A couple critiques (that's why you posted this, right?) ;)

1) Dry up the vocals. Everyone has a tendency to drench their vocals in effects when they first start recording themselves, I know I did. No one likes to hear their voice on tape, and if you're like me, it's embarrassing to the point where you feel like you need to 'disguise it' under a lot of effects. Don't. Me, I can't sing worth a damn, but I've found that with just some slight EQing and veeerrry slight chorusing, I can get my vocals to sound a little better and more full, while still seeming natural.

2) Volume flunctuations. During the verses the volume mixing is good, but when you hit the choruses, the vocals jump out and overpower the mix. I'm sure just a little volume envelope could take care of that.

3) There's an audible "pop" when it switches from the 1st chorus to the 3rd verse.

As far as how the instruments sound and the recording quality, I'll leave that up to some of the more experienced souls around here, with better-trained ears. But yeah, keep it up, I liked it (the piano parts added a lot).

/thumbs up

EDIT: Erm, just noticed this was in the songwriters' forum, so maybe you weren't looking for critiques on the actual quality of the recording or mixing. As far as the song itself goes, yeah I still like it. I have a hard time criticizing lyrics -- if they have feeling and they say what you want to say, who's to say they should be any different? They fit and aren't silly or distracting so that's all that really matters to me. There's no real hook or anything but the tune is good, fits the overall feel. It's not quite my style but I don't see anything wrong with the song itself.
 
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Thanks very much for the reply, it seemed as if no one was gonna give any critiques!

I am interested that you said the piano added a lot, I have sort have come to like the version with just the guitar and vocals better, but I will rethink it.

I completely agree about the vocal effects. I really don't like my dry vocals, but probably the more natural the better. I think the whole thing needs to be re recorded for quality, as i have messed with it so much its sort of screwed beyong repair.

Thanks again!
 
Yeah keep the piano, it probably sounds fine without it, but it's nice to have it there, makes the piece stand out more. There's just a WHOLE LOT of plain acoustic/vocal acts out there and it all sort of starts to sound the same after awhile. Having the piano there stops it from sounding like 1000 other songs I've heard recently.
 
My thoughts ....
1) Clean up the lead vocal --- limit effects and add some natural emotion to voice ....... or get a different singer, who can
2) try adding song repeating delay to the piano
 
What happened?

Hi, just found this forum and am having problems putting words and music together so decided to "enlist". Listened to your song and all I could think of was coffeeehouses and Dylan which is what it reminded me of. I like your guitar work, different style than mine but I'm an old geezer which explains all!

I know it's been quite a while since you started this thread and what I was wondering have you re-done the piece and have you shopped it around or copyrighted it?

I have a half dozen or more songs in various stages and floundering a bit myself so curious how it's going?

Keno123
 
Well, I actually like his voice. I'd listen to it. It's alot better than some other voices i've heard..
 
Hello Jeff :)
I have not had a chance to listen to the song yet, I hope to tomorrow, this is simply a lyrical critique, as I am a lyricist, not a musician. :)

these are the lyrics.

you kicked the snow from your shoes
as you enter my room
"you've got stories" you said
"and i want nothing more than to hear them"

(my first nit would be the lack of real rhyme scheme here, room/them is a stretch IMO. the last 2 lines read like they should be spoken not sung, they might flow better if they read like this
I know you've got stories...
And I would really like to hear them. )

you let your arm fall from my side
as if you're trying to hold on so tight
we sat in awkward silence for so long
as the radiator sqaulled

(if her arm is falling from your side.. what is she trying to hold onto? what happened between her asking to hear stories in verse 1 to the awkward silence here now... seems like I'm missing something)

we talked in downward stares and sipped coffee
this apartment is only here to warm
and keep the two of us together

(this creates mood..I like this. not fond of the rhyme scheme..but it creates the atmosphere, yet still I am wondering what has happened)

you slipped back on your shoes
as you walked out of my room
"I don't understand this" she said
"and I want nothing more than to feel"

(now she's leaving and up till now all there has been is an awkward silence, no fight, no story really)

we talekd in downward stares and sipped coffee
this apartment is only here to warm
and keep the two of us together
and keep the two of us
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IMO the juice is left unsaid, it reads like a story lyric but no real details about whats really going on. IMO as a listener there is too much left unsaid.

this is of course my opinion. take or leave it as always :)
Good luck with the song.


Smile.
 
the piano is good, the lyrics are decent, your voice is good but the vocal melody is um...just bad. and the rythem guitar gets boreing, you need some finger picking leads in there. so, thats my 2 cents...
 
Hey Jeff,
I like it. Very good recording too. But I agree with the others about the vocals. You have a good voice, but you need to be natural. Sing like you talk.

Keep it up dude,
Corey
 
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