part of new song

  • Thread starter Thread starter LI Slim
  • Start date Start date
LI Slim

LI Slim

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You give me that sweet uncertainty
I'd never believe that's what I'd need
You say you want me, well what's the reason
I don't know what you'll say
But as long as it's me you're teasin'
I won't have it any other way
 
Good stuff Slim..What style are you doing it in? Do you already hear it in its finished form?Just a suggestion and this is a guessWhat would happen if you took of all the words that start the lines {you,I'd,but I} ..unless you already have a melody and it works!


Don
 
Thanks Don. Actually the song is "finished", and I sometimes do leave out those first words when performing it. Its first public performance it tonight...
 
Li Slim,

Not enough for me to go on. But, I do agree with Henri's suggestion. It seems to give your voice more focus. Since you've already performed it in public, I hope all went well.

When I bounce it through my head I get a jazz feeling for it, am I close?

Ozlee
 
It's not jazzy; more of an earnest folk-rock song. It also compares a more universal uncertainty to personal relationship uncertainty. First verse:

Every face I see fills me with uncertainty
It's a hollow sound that stops me and I spin around
The smoke is in my hair, the grit is in my teeth
The answer that I seek
Lies beyond my reach
And you give me that sweet uncertainty
I'd never believe that's what I'd need
I can kneel and pray for guidance
I can bargain for a little clue
I can isolate myself
Or surrender all control to you to you to you

I was kind of the least "certain" about the verse I posted a few days ago. The song seems to have gone over real well so far. Your thoughts are valued of course.
 
Slim..Glad it went over well !Since you already have this song in the preformance phase you are proboly pretty set in the lyrics..So the only thing that I can think of is editing...Takeing "and I spin around".."That I seek".."and".."I'd".....out of it and giveing you a little more space to let the words be a little more open/reflective..Ex."Its a hollow sound that stops me" is a great line, by tagging{especialy with a ryhme} it you remove some of the impact..You gotta let the listeners mind have time to focus..The answer lies beyond my reach..You give me that sweet uncertainty..Never belive thats what I need ...By the way this is all a guess and these are only my obeservations without a melody..You have some really good lines in your song and some good imagery!


Don
 
Thanks Don.

I think that's good advice. I think I do tend to get a bit wordy.
 
Li Slim,

I think Henri has it pretty well on target. I don't know much about "jazz". But the lyrics sounded to me like they would make a great jazz piece, IMHO. I can see Diana Krall (spelling?) playing it on a grand piano, bringing em to thier feet right now.

Since "jazz" covers alot of ground. I hope you will take it as a compliment for what you have written. Good luck with it.

Keep the faith, Ozlee:D
 
I appreciate it very much.

Please contact Diana Krall for me. I will turn it into a Jazz piece pronto!
 
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