Too Elusive
I took the liberty of typing the lyrics as I really couldn’t follow them by just listening. Please forgive any errors. I just did this quickly while I listened.
Verse 1
It’s when I’m feeling down
That’s when she comes around
Makes me feel like she’s the one who knows me
Time goes by so fast
Until the moment’s past
When we say goodbye means goodbye
Chorus
She’s too elusive
She’s too elusive
She’s too elusive
For what she’s worth
Verse 2
Soon enough it seems
Those times were in my dreams
And I’m sure that that’s the last I’ll see her
But there she is again
My just forgotten friend
I’m not proud, I don’t play games I just take her back
[repeat chorus]
Bridge
Get closer too a woman if your not involved with her
I always end up living where you can’t say how you feel
Verse 3
I’ve tried to make her change
It couldn’t be arranged
In fact the more I try the more she backs off
She’ll never let me in
This thing is just no win
The one I want to hold has turned to vapor again
[repeat chorus]
I split out my critique into songwriting and performance/production comments. These are all IMHO and I am just being honest about what I hear. I also downloaded “I’m on to you” If I have time, I’ll take a critical listen to that as well. No promise though.
The song:
Verse 1
Not terrible. The rhymes are a bit predictable IMO. The last line doesn’t really make sense to me. IMO the first verse does not adequately set up the chorus. Hmmm…maybe it does. I guess she comes & goes in that verse. Not convinced on that one. I think it’s that last line. It’s not leading me into the chorus.
Chorus
The hook is decent if maybe a bit overused. I’m longing to here something else in there. But not terrible.
The last line of kind of throws me again. It sounds like you are saying that it isn’t worth it, but since I know darn well you still have 2 verses and a bridge coming, I wonder why you continue. It seems to take the hope out of the end of the song to me.
verse 2
Seems like a lot of the same of verse 1. The only line that seems to advance the song here IMO is that you keep taking her back. Maybe the first two verses could be smashed together to one verse that shows this pattern? Just a rambling thought.
bridge
This doesn’t really do anything for me. For this structure you have, IMO the bridge is where
the knockout punch needs to be. The lyrical high point of the song. This is where grown men should be weeping
. I don’t see that here. In fact it seems barely related to the rest of the song to me.
verse 3
This is your best verse IMO. I think this would make a good second verse after properly setting up the chorus with a combo of verse 1 & 2. I like the last line of this verse. It does a good job leading me into the chorus.
The reason I think this would make a good second verse is that in the structure you have chosen, IMO, this last verse needs to have a payoff of some sort. I don’t see one here. It’s just kind of more of the same. The story needs to twist here somehow, or be advanced to an emotional place the listener maybe wasn’t expecting.
overall comments on the song
Overall structure is pretty good. You might have a problem with some real rhyme structure sticklers on the last line of each verse & the chorus. They don’t consistently fit in a rhyme scheme.
The recording & performance:
What I liked
Organ in the second chorus sounds pretty good
BG vocals in second chorus & bridge & beyond are nice – could be tightened up a bit
I like the way the guitar solo kind of attacked when it came in – still not crazy about the tone of the fuzz or clean leads.
What I didn’t like:
I’m not crazy about the fuzz guitar tone.
Your vocals are out of tune quite a lot.
The voice sounds very clipped in a lot of spots
The whole thing sounds overcompressed & clipped.
Lead vocal is kind of boomy
The synth tone coming into the third verse
Some timing issues/dropped beats on the drums
Drums sound pretty crunched (along with everything else)
Overall recording sounds pretty muddy.
