**OFF TOPIC** But I need your help

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nate_dennis

nate_dennis

Well-known member
I know this isn't the forum for it, but I really need some help guys. You are the people I talk to most on these forums, you are the ones I consider my friends.

**I'm going to open up and share a bunch of shit, I'd really like to not get flamed**

Over the weekend I made some of the worst decisions of my life. As a result of these decisions (and old ones that had been forgiven, but now somewhat brought back to life) I may well lose my family. I don't need sympathy. I fucked up. If you are the prayer types, I'd really appreciate some. If you are "well wishers" if you could send some my way, I'd love it. But not so much for me, for my wife and kids, for the hope that my family can make it through this.

I'm sorry for adding drama, or whatever, we could just use all the support we can get. Thanks for the support, if only in the form of not flaming me.

-Nate
 
Nate, Sorry to read that you and your family are having problems.

For the most part, seeing so many dysfunctional families as a kid myself was a large influence in me never wanting to get married or have kids and while that has been a decision with many mixed blessing, I'm still fairly happy with that decision.

You made the choice to have a family and based on what you've said and not said, you've made the decision to compromise that. Kids always end up the biggest victims in those sorts of things as what they often experience is misplaced guilt for having caused the problem and end up fucked up because of those feelings. So, what ever you do, make sure to let them know that they are in no way the problem as early and as often as possible so that they don't get victimized in all of this.

Best of luck to you all.

Cheers! :)
 
Nate,

All the best sorting this out.

There was a time way back, when I was prone to making some damned stupid decisions..........unfortunately, I was not able to recognise that I had choices at the time............thankfully, I eventually learnt.

:cool:
 
Ouch.
I'd pass the tea & sympathy but that doesn't really work online so all I can offer is...
...fingers & thumbs crossed!
 
Nate, I'm the praying type, and I will do so for them, and for you.

Blessings.
 
The Ghost of FM said:
You made the choice to have a family and based on what you've said and not said, you've made the decision to compromise that. Kids always end up the biggest victims in those sorts of things as what they often experience is misplaced guilt for having caused the problem and end up fucked up because of those feelings. So, what ever you do, make sure to let them know that they are in no way the problem as early and as often as possible so that they don't get victimized in all of this.
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Absolutely. I did compromise the relationship. I did hurt a lot of people. Fortunately my wife is, as of now, willing to try to piece it all back together. We're working hard to keep things healthy and safe for the kids.

sweetbeats said:
Nate, I'm the praying type, and I will do so for them, and for you.

Blessings.
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Thank you so much.

dodgeaspen said:
PM'd you a while ago.
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Got it, I'll respond soon.

Everyone; thank you for the support. I do appreciate it all. Someday this will all be the past. Someday we'll be better for it all. But someday is a long ways away. Thanks again.
 
If you were in the hospital room when your kids were born, think about that whole experience. Nothing puts it in perspective for me like that does....
 
nate_dennis said:
If you are "well wishers" if you could send some my way, I'd love it. But not so much for me, for my wife and kids, for the hope that my family can make it through this.
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Nate, I really do wish you all the best but, as The Ghost of FM (Jeff) said, be especially aware of your kids, which are the victims in all of this, in the truest sense of the word. Say that you love them often, that it's not their fault and try to maintain some semblance of a stable emotional environment (for them). Whatever mistakes you've made will be forgiven, in my view, if you put your children's needs first, in the most selfless fashion possible. Kids are like sponges, soaking up every little detail around them so be aware that every word and action counts. It is the ultimate responsibility. Best wishes to you my friend.
 
Hope all is well. It really will affect the kids. So all in all just make sure they know you love them.
 
Thinking of your kids is important and should be primary, as they may not quite understand the things that go on in an adult's mind just yet...
...but you really can't forget about yourself either.

Sometimes there are things deep under the surface that drive us, beyond our control. You may be aware of them, you may not...though you should try to be since that could be where the answers are for you…deep under the surface.

Sacrificing for someone else is noble, and can make you feel good in the long run, but being a martyr and completely loosing yourself in the process may not help anyone, especially not you.
Try and sort all that out before making any finalr decisions, otherwise you might not resolve anything in the long run.

Good luck.
 
I can relate. PM sent.
 
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Wow. To bring this to a public forum takes a bit of chutzpah.

So I hope this is a helpful catharsis.

Those mistakes are tough but can be overcome.

Important to determine the real cause and then go from there.

Hope you do ok.

Since this is a R2R forum I hope there is nothing on tape!!!
 
Prayers sent your way...........
I have been through a mixed up marriage, birth, and divorce a few weeks later, we all make mistakes! take responsibility for what wrongs u did and hopefully get counceling or take what steps are needed to save the marriage if possible. feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk about anything.
Good luck!
 
miroslav said:
...
Sacrificing for someone else is noble...
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Maybe so, but not applicable, as your children and their mother aren't "someone else".
Running out of headroom for yourself as it was all taken by your kids and their mother isn't a sacrifice. It's a blessing.
If you look around you'll find someone else here and there and everywhere who only can dream of such blessing.

And the ones who are blessed get only a blink of joy, as that "long run" isn't really that long as it seems.

/later
 
miroslav said:
Sometimes there are things deep under the surface that drive us, beyond our control. You may be aware of them, you may not...though you should try to be since that could be where the answers are for you…deep under the surface.
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Spoken like an experienced "psych" ;)................as you said, there are things that are just not "beyond our control" BUT beyond our recognition and that is where the challenge lies :)

:cool:
 
Dr ZEE said:
Maybe so, but not applicable, as your children and their mother aren't "someone else".
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I wasn't talking about the kids, I said the kids should be the primary concern, but IF two people have totally fallen apart, and there is nothing left between them except the kids, I really don't see how it helps to have both people suffer just to maintain some socially acceptable, status quo...?

Sure...they still need to both do right by their children, and put them first, but I think in this day and age it's possible to do that and still allow the two adults to move on with their lives if they so choose to do.

Having the children grow up in an environment where their parents openly don't want to be with each other, is not going to be conducive to a positive upbringing...IMHO.

I believe that marriage should be permanent...but for that to happen, both parties need have the same feeling, and work with that in mind. However, when one person falls out of love with the other (or sometimes both fall out of love almost simultaneously)...then the day to day reality calls for something else instead of just slogging through a marriage that has virtually ended in the hearts of the couple.
I mean...it's not an overnight decision...but there comes a point when you know in your gut...it's over...and that's when you need to move on and let the other person find someone the better fits their needs.
Clinging unrealistically is not a positive way to go…IHMO...but I know many people do it, only to have a lousy marriage and lousy life for the long run.
 
Dr ZEE said:
and so they do. ...on that illusional "long run"way
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Or...they can stay together, ignoring their true inner feelings, and then live a very delusional life for the duration. :rolleyes:

I'm just saying you have to be true to yourself BEFORE you can be true to the people around you, especially if you care for them.
If you suppress your own feelings and basically lie about them just to maintain some fake "we're working it out" attitude...
...that's not good…
...but by all means people SHOULD try to work things out if they really mean it, but they shouldn’t force it/fake it just “for the sake of….”
 
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