Oct-Nov 2009 Challenge - Joseph Spain

  • Thread starter Thread starter icystorm
  • Start date Start date
I

icystorm

Guest
Thanks to Mike for organizing the current challenge and setting the stage for us. The theme of the challenge is "emptiness".

I maintain a list of song titles for topics that I want to write about. One title on my list, which I had not gotten to until now, is "Nonexistent". This title fits the theme of our challenge.

The song will be about a completely one-sided "relationship" where a second person is everything in the first person's eyes, but the inverse is not true. In fact, the first person is nonexistent in the second person's life. The song will lament the sad reality of that view in the eyes of the first person.

I woke up thinking about the possible chorus this morning, and I now have a basic idea of how the main part of the song will go.

...more later.

Cheers,
Joseph
 
Pre-note: If the same rules as the previous challenges still apply, we can blog our own songwriting processes in our individual idea threads, but others are asked to not comment or give advice at this stage. All comments on the lyrics should be withheld until November. Is that all correct, Mike?

----------------

I had some free time this morning, so I worked a little on the first verse and the chorus of my challenge entry.

So far, I am pleased with the chorus, but the first verse needs a lot of work and is still very much in a state of flux.

I have the basic melody for the verse amd chorus worked out in my mind, but in the spirit of the challenge, I will not put anything to music until November.

(I usually write the other way around; Music first, then the lyrics.)

This will be a mid-tempo pop song.

Nonexistent

V1
You can believe what you want
I can't erase the way I feel
I know that you do not want me
and it's a fact colder than steel
Beyond the tides of Titan's pull
Inside a place that's never real
There I take pains to worship you
Inside a mind that's so surreal

For line 5, I am considering:

Beyond the range of Titan's pull
Beyond the realm of Titan's pull

For line 8, I am considering:

as I succumb to your appeal
as I beg for your appeal
as I surrender to your spell
as I kneel before your spell

CH
I'm nonexistent to you
I'm nonexistent in your eyes
Your words are all I cling to
My world means nothing in your life
If my nonexistence pleases you
I'll live beneath the shadows of your mind

I may change the word 'beneath' to 'below'
 
Last edited:
I have finished the working draft of the lyrics. Next, I will begin working on making a backing track using the chords and melody I have imagined for the song.

Cheers,
Joseph

Nonexistent

V1
You can believe what you want
I can't erase the way I feel
I know that you do not want me
and it's a fact colder than steel
Beyond the tides of Titan's pull
Into a place that's never real
I take the pains to worship you
and fall defenseless to your spell

CH
I'm nonexistent to you
I'm nonexistent in your eyes
Your words are all I cling to
My world means nothing in your life
If my nonexistence pleases you
I'll live below the shadows of your mind

V2
I can't deny what you want
You can't pretend that you still care
I know that you do not love me
and it's a curse hotter than hell
Beyond my crazy thoughts of you
Into a place that's far too real
I take the pains to forget you
why do I beg for what you sell

BR
Far too gone I'll never hold you
Far too wrong to ever have you
If love is one too many ways to die
Why do I cry for you
 
Challenge??

Challenge??? Ooooh. It's GREAT to see that people are still working at challenges here. I have been gone for a long time due to the vagaries of life but will return in December. In the meantime, could someone bounce me to the latest Challenge and I might give it a go? (Yes... I tried the search function.) Great to see you guys again. Later, Dave.

BTW It's good to see you're still cranking them out Joseph.
 
up-fiddler said:
Challenge??? Ooooh. It's GREAT to see that people are still working at challenges here. I have been gone for a long time due to the vagaries of life but will return in December. In the meantime, could someone bounce me to the latest Challenge and I might give it a go? (Yes... I tried the search function.) Great to see you guys again. Later, Dave.

BTW It's good to see you're still cranking them out Joseph.
Click to expand...

Welcome back, Dave! It's great to hear from you. Mike (Gecko) posted the details in another thread. I see you've already found it. Hopefully you can join us. It'll be a better challenge with you on board.

BTW, I completely empathize with your comment about "the vagaries of life"... and work! ;)

Have a good one!

Cheers,
Joseph
 
one week left for the lyrics...

I made a few more tweaks to the lyrics. I'm happy with these now, but I'm not ready to say "final version" just yet. ;)

Nonexistent

Verse 1
You can believe what you want
I can't erase the way I feel
I know that you do not want me
and it's a fact colder than steel
Beyond the tides of Titan's pull
Into a place that's too surreal
I take the pains to worship you
I fall defenseless to your spell

Chorus
I'm nonexistent to you
I'm nonexistent in your eyes
Your words are all I cling to
My world means nothing in your life
If my nonexistence pleases you
I'll stay below the shadows of your mind

Verse 2
I can't deny what you want
You can't pretend that you still care
I know that you do not love me
and that's a curse hotter than hell
Beyond my crazy thoughts of you
Into a hurt that's far too real
I take the pains to turn from you
Why do I beg for what you sell

(repeat chorus)

Bridge
I'm far too gone I'll never hold you
I'm far too wrong to ever have you
If love is one too many ways to die
Why do I cry for you
 
more tweaks

I tweaked verse 2 this morning and made some improvements.

Nonexistent

Verse 1
You can believe what you want
I can't erase the way I feel
I know that you do not want me
and it's a fact colder than steel
Beyond the tides of Titan's pull
Into a place that's too surreal
I take the pains to worship you
I fall defenseless to your spell

Chorus
I'm nonexistent to you
I'm nonexistent in your eyes
Your words are all I cling to
My world means nothing in your life
If my nonexistence pleases you
I'll stay below the shadows of your mind

Verse 2
I can't deny what you want
You can't pretend that you still care
I know that you do not love me
and that's a curse hotter than hell
Beyond my crazy thoughts of you
Born of a hurt that's far too real
I bear the pain to turn from you
Why do I beg for what you sell

(repeat chorus)

Bridge
I'm far too gone I'll never hold you
I'm far too wrong to ever have you
If love is one too many ways to die
Why do I cry for you
 
still tweaking...barely five days left!

Nonexistent

Verse 1
You can believe what you want
I can't erase the way I feel
I know that you do not want me
and it's a fact colder than steel
Beyond the tides of Titan's pull
Behind a memory surreal
I take the pains of prayer to you
I kneel defenseless to your spell

Chorus
I'm nonexistent to you
I'm nonexistent in your eyes
Your words are all I cling to
My world means nothing in your life
If my nonexistence pleases you
I'll love you from the shadows of your mind

Verse 2
I can't deny what you want
You can't pretend you ever cared
I know that you do not love me
and that's a curse hotter than Hell
Beyond my crazy thoughts of you
Born of a hurt that's far too real
I bear the shame of loving you
I crawl and beg for what you sell

(repeat chorus)

Bridge
I'm far too gone I'll never hold you
I'm far too hurt to ever have you
If love is one too many ways to die
Why do I cry for you
 
lyrics - final version

After the good ideas I received for lyrical changes, I finally settled on the version below.

I wanted to change the two obvious cliché lines, but I couldn't come up with anything better that didn't sound even more blasé.

I fumbled with "a fact I know too well" in place of "a fact colder than steel" and it sounded too dull, so I reverted back. I like the cliché lines, but I ackowledge they could be better.

One important change that I made was to the final line of the chorus. Dave was not too keen on "shadows of your mind" and neither was I, so I changed that to "shadows cast behind" which denotes a strong element of emptiness.

I also changed the musical structure at the end of the two verses, which necessitated a lyrics change -- for the better, I think (hope?).

I am wrapping up the demo now and mixing it. I hope to post it Sunday or Monday at the very latest.

These should be the final lyrics...

Nonexistent

Words and music by Joseph Spain
Created with Acid Pro 7, Jamstudio.com 2.7, Acoustica Mixcraft 4.5, and Audacity 1.3
Produced by Joseph Spain
CD: none (Homerecording.com challenge entry -- Oct/Nov 2009)
Demo recording
Copyright: Joseph Spain 2009

Verse 1
You can believe what you want
I can't erase the way I feel
I know that you do not want me
and it's a fact colder than steel
Beyond the tides of Titan's pull
Behind a memory surreal
I stand alone
and down the words I feared

Chorus
I'm nonexistent to you
I'm nonexistent in your eyes
Your words are all I cling to
My world means nothing in your life
If my nonexistence pleases you
I'll love you from your shadows cast behind

Verse 2
I can't deny what you are
You can't pretend you ever cared
I know that you do not love me
and that's a curse hotter than Hell
Beyond the stars I've longed for you
Behind the realm of Neptune's sphere
I stand alone
and down the truth I feared

(repeat chorus)

Bridge
You're far too gone I'll never hold you
I'm far too hurt I'll never have you
True love is one too many ways to die

(repeat chorus through fade)
 
Last edited:
final demo for Oct Nov 2009 challenge

Here is my final submission for the Oct/Nov 2009 challenge.

I had fun making it, but I had to rush at the end to meet our deadline. C'est la vie. :-)

I look forward to your feedback! I will be listening to everyone's work tonight and tomorrow. :)

Soundclick version (128mbps)

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_songInfo.cfm?bandID=787980&songID=8411089

Box version (320mbps)

http://www.box.net/shared/05ojx7pm3s

Nonexistent

Words and music by Joseph Spain
Created with Acid Pro 7, Jamstudio.com 2.7, Acoustica Mixcraft 4.5, and Audacity 1.3
Produced by Joseph Spain
CD: none (Homerecording.com challenge entry -- Oct/Nov 2009)
Demo recording
Copyright: Joseph Spain 2009

Verse 1
You can believe what you want
I can't erase the way I feel
I know that you do not want me
and it's a fact colder than steel
Beyond the tides of Titan's pull
Behind a memory surreal
I stand alone
and down the words I feared

Chorus
I'm nonexistent to you
I'm nonexistent in your eyes
Your words are all I cling to
My world means nothing in your life
If my nonexistence pleases you
I'll love you from your shadows cast behind

Verse 2
I can't deny what you are
You can't pretend you ever cared
I know that you do not love me
and that's a curse hotter than Hell
Beyond the stars I've longed for you
Behind the realm of Neptune's sphere
I stand alone
and down the truth I feared

(repeat chorus)

Bridge
You're far too gone I'll never hold you
I'm far too hurt I'll never have you
True love is one too many ways to die

(repeat chorus through fade)
 
Thanks for taking part in this challenge, Joseph.

I always enjoy listening to your songs. They always have a rich, smooth 'creamy' feel about them. I've commented before about the essence of Beegees present in them, and this song is no exception. There is a very typical Barry Gibb falsetto and quaver.

There is one note that sits uncomfortably with me, and that's the falsetto note on "all" in "you're all I cling to" (and also in "non-existent"). I think you sing an Ab there, which is a bluesy kind of note, but seems to me to be a bit out of place, with my brain wanting to hear an A.

The tacits in the drum track were disconcerting. It would be interesting to hear what it would be like with the instruments following these tacits as well, to give them a more definite role.

I like the restraint of the instrumental. I like the extended "die" in the bridge. Overall, I find your mixes very pleasant to listen to, and I think you have done another fine job.
 
Joseph, you have written a great song here. However, I had the exact same concern as Gecko...that one note in the chorus stands out a little too much. At first I thought you'd misfired on the note, but in subsequent choruses it was still there. I thought the verses were sung extremely well, and the arrangement is very pleasing to the ear. And, to repeat, the song itself is wonderful!

-Mike
 
Great job Joseph. Liked the fullness and feel of the song from the start with the entended intro. Beegee's, yes sir. I remember American Idol tried to do a Beegees night and failed badly, they needed you. Really enjoyed the listen, and yes that note, but still enjoyed.

Charlie
 
Thanks much for the kind feedback, honesty, and comments, my friends.

These things are always fun!

You're all exactly right. That one note (for the word "all") should have been a semitone higher. It was tricky because the word "all" is supposed to peak very briefly and then slide down immediately to the word "I" (in a brokenhearted-whiny-kinda way for effect) and I didn't pull it off as intended.

At 42, I think I'm getting too old to sing in falsetto. I cannot go as high as I could 10 years ago. I may stick to what I can do. :-) Maybe a few backup falsettos from time to time, but use a normal register as the lead, which is much easier.

Okay, when is the next challenge? ;)

Cheers,
Joseph
 
Joseph,
the combo of lyric, the beegeeishness etc suggested a track from the Bee Gee's 1 - in other words I'd have loved to hear this really cool song with a psychedelic treatment.
the slighly buried vocal, melody & theme would be unreal with a psych approach - a matter of taste I know but there you are!
Regadless - this is really good.
 
rayc said:
Joseph,
the combo of lyric, the beegeeishness etc suggested a track from the Bee Gee's 1 - in other words I'd have loved to hear this really cool song with a psychedelic treatment.
the slighly buried vocal, melody & theme would be unreal with a psych approach - a matter of taste I know but there you are!
Regadless - this is really good.
Click to expand...

Ray, thanks for listening, the review, and the kind words.

Were you referring to the album First from 1967 or One from 1989? Both were great! My favorite song from First was always "One Minute Woman".

Cheers,
Joseph
 
Joseph - yep 1st from 1967.
My fav from that album - hmm, that's a hard one - nice baroque pop psych collection that it is - Holiday maybe but it is full of hits & potential hits isn't it!
If DavidK was still around he might have had ideas for a baroque pop arrangement - I hope he posts something new soon.
 
rayc said:
Joseph - yep 1st from 1967.
My fav from that album - hmm, that's a hard one - nice baroque pop psych collection that it is - Holiday maybe but it is full of hits & potential hits isn't it!
If DavidK was still around he might have had ideas for a baroque pop arrangement - I hope he posts something new soon.
Click to expand...

That was the first ever album I bought! And 'Holiday' was one of my favourites as well.

I was just the other day thinking abut that album and about whether it was ever issued on CD.
 
Gek, yes it was released on CD - I bought it about 3 years ago:

825 220-2 BEE GEES - BEE GEES' 1st Ploydor

Hey, they even managed to do the apostrophe of posession correctly!!!
No apparent "remastering" but it certainly doesn't sound like the poor quality transfers the big companies did in their rush to get old product out to be re purchased in the new format through the 1st 10 years of CD production.
If it's not available send me a PM.
 
gecko zzed said:
That was the first ever album I bought! And 'Holiday' was one of my favourites as well.

I was just the other day thinking abut that album and about whether it was ever issued on CD.
Click to expand...

I have 86 Gibb-related CDs, including ALL Bee Gees CDs. I have the original album issued of 1st, as well as the CD version re-issued in the 80s. Plus, I have the recently remastered and expanded set from Rhino, which was released a couple of years ago after the Gibbs signed a long-term deal with Rhino to expand and remaster all of their work.

The expanded part includes mono mixes, outtakes, demos, alternative takes, and sometimes B-sides.

1st was included as part of Rhino's initial six-CD collection of their first three CDs.

http://www.beegees.com/archives/shop/detail-33237.lasso.html

It is also available as a stand-alone product.

http://www.beegees.com/archives/shop/detail-13673.lasso.html

Excellent stuff!

Of course, 1st wasn't really the Bee Gees' debut CD, as the title pseudo-implies, but that's another thread! :-)

Cheers,
Joseph
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top