My Life

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Southern stoner

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Darkness hatred envy and misery
These are all things my life has for me
Here in my house with people all around
They dont even hear me make a sound
Locked in these four walls made of hate
Cant seem to make it to the fucking gate

Chorus:
Pain and anger love and lust
These are all things i cant trust
Here in my house full rage
Feels like im locked in a fuckin cage


Come in see me hear me crying
Can you help keep me from dying
In--si--de
In--si--de

Pain and ager love and lust
These are all things i cant trust
Here in my house full of rage
Feels like im locked in a fucking cage

Guitar-----------

Come in grab me pull me away
This is not where i want to stay


Pain and anger love and lust
These are all things i cant trust
Here in my house full of rage
Feels like im locked in a fucking ca--ge


Written by me and a friend
Aaron sowards and brandon barnes
Song is an acoustic rock song
Please comment
But please dont try to recreate
 
Thank you, really Glad you like it! Really appreciate it.
 
A lot of the rhymes feel forced and unnatural.

Darkness hatred envy and misery
These are all things my life has for me
Here in my house with people all around
They dont even hear me make a sound
Locked in these four walls made of hate
Cant seem to make it to the fucking gate


First two lines, I'd rhyme "life" at the end of the second line with something else in the first line, as is, it just reads weakly. "Make a sound" is weak imagery, "hear" already indicates sound so why not make it more evocative? "hear me scream", "hear me cry out", etc. Last two lines just read like you're trying too hard to sound hard. If you didn't make to the gate, how do you know you're locked in?

Pain and anger love and lust
These are all things i cant trust
Here in my house full rage
Feels like im locked in a fuckin cage

First two lines are ok, but it should be "Pain, anger, love and lust", don't repeat "and" in the same list of words. "House full of rage", once again, trying too hard to be hard. You're re-using your earlier imagery too, come up with something more thought-provoking and evocative.

Come in see me hear me crying
Can you help keep me from dying


Forced rhyme. And I thought nobody could hear you?

In--si--de


If you're singing this as written and emphasizing "de" at the end of inside, it will sound very bad.
 
That is your opinion and i really appreciate it but you are taking the lyrics to literally. The locked in four walls made of hate cant seem to make it to the fucking gate, is referring to being stuck in a place you dont want to be but not being able to leave because of whatever reason. Not literally locked in a room and just simply cant leave because the door is locked or however you took it. But i appreciate the advice and comment.
 
Oh and the nobody can hear part you referred to wasnt that they actually couldnt hear me it was that they just werent listening, if you know what i mean. And i repeat and in the chorus because of the way i play the song. On the in--si--de i just did that because i carry out that word but the main emphesis is in the n and i after si part not de.
 
Yes, it is my opinion, and in my opinion your metaphor has to make sense. I don't take "walls made of hate" to literally mean walls constructed with hate for parging material. If it works for you, who cares what I think? The bigger problem to me is the forced rhyming. It just sounds like you sat there and tried to figure out how to rhyme the line instead of letting it come naturally. Try to fit the rhyme to the line, not the line to the rhyme.
 
You don't create a dark mood by switching off all the lights.

To me this is particularly unsubtle and I'm struggling to see how you'll fit some of the lyrics against music without it seeming forced.

It reads like the sort of stuff we all wrote when we were 15 and full of hormones. If that's you, or that's your audience, then that's fine.

AABB rhyming of short lines is rather limiting. As FD suggests, try to hook in some internal rhymes in the lines perhaps.

Good luck.
 
Sorry people thought i was defensive just wasnt really not looking for advice on how to rewrite it.
 
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Cool down, Southern. I don't think anyone's out to rip your song apart. Everyone who offered criticism did so quite constructively, with the song's intent and feel in mind. Frankly after your reaction, I'm wondering why you bothered posting it? Were you seeking only accolades? I'm sure you can find somewhere to post it for that. Here, people tend to post things as works in progress, looking for feedback to help them take it to the next level, and I think those who posted here were doing that.

You asked for comments. You got comments. People that only accept praise for their creative output don't tend to improve very much.
 
Dirk Lind said:
Cool down, Southern. I don't think anyone's out to rip your song apart. Everyone who offered criticism did so quite constructively, with the song's intent and feel in mind. Frankly after your reaction, I'm wondering why you bothered posting it? Were you seeking only accolades? I'm sure you can find somewhere to post it for that. Here, people tend to post things as works in progress, looking for feedback to help them take it to the next level, and I think those who posted here were doing that.

You asked for comments. You got comments. People that only accept praise for their creative output don't tend to improve very much.
Click to expand...

Welcome Dirk Lind--and very well said. Southern--it's all about getting better. That's the assumed reason for posting here, so that's how folks respond. And it's not to tear it down, but to help build it up.
 
Southern stoner said:
To those trying to just rip the song apart, screw you! I really dont care at all if you guys like it. I was just looking for simple yes or no answer .
Click to expand...

Oh really?

You didn't actually ask a question, you just posted a set of lyrics and said:

Southern stoner said:
Please comment
Click to expand...

Comments is what you got.

I think you'll find that we don't care if you don't care that we like your song either - you post here because you want feedback on the song. As there is no music attached, all there is to go on is the lyrics.

Perhaps read what was said, and decide to take it on board, or not, but don't be so defensive... :spank:
 
Rolf Harris once did a version of Led Zepppelin's "Stairway to heaven" and he was absolutely mullered by Zep afficianados who felt he'd ruined a great song and their consensus was that he should've left it alone.
His reply was one that I've never forgotten and Southern, you'd do well to heed this. He said that once an artist has put something into the public domain, that artist has ceased to have any control over what happens to it..........
if people want to do a heavy metal dirge ballad of a reggae song by a committed Rasta, so be it. If someone wants to start a campaign to diss your song, so be it. You can't stop them. The point being, really, that if you put a song up or a set of lyrics up for people to comment on, comment on it is precisely what they'll do ~ because that's what you've asked for. That means some may love it, some may not. You can't have a pop at those that didn't respond the way you would've liked them to. You didn't say "favourable comments only". But even if you had, that's what you got. All the comments are favourable. It's in your favour to hear what reasons people have for not liking bits of the lyric.
 
Calm down? Im not angry and i do enjoy the constructive criticism. I may have responded to hastely. I have taken thought to some of the comments and will use suggestions in writing other songs. But this song i play often and well and most suggestions just dont flow with the music i created for this song. It will never change this song i have to many people who like it just as it is. I wish i had anything to be able to record it and post it i just dont have the equipment yet. Maybe hearing it would have been better maybe not. I apologize for the hastey remark and Thanks grimmtraveler for reopening my eyes.
 
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OK but it seems like he regrets his actions. So all is well.

Stoner, don't mind the rocky welcome, we are not that bad really...:D

Stoner, if you have nothing to record with you can always:

1. Download skype for free
2. Download Pamela skype recorder for free
3. Call some one on skype (again for free), play your song, press record on Pamela and there you go!

A very rudimentary way to record your song. Then you can post it here.

And Greg- No need to resort to name calling...
 
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