My first "real" song...Opinions?

[TheMusic]

Hi all,

This is my first "real" song submission, with a chorus and a title and etc, tell me what you think:

(Think Linkin Park/3 days grace kinda mood)

Poison

I gave you my heart on a silver platter
We were in love, destined for each other
What harm could it do?
What could be the matter?

And then I saw the demon inside
A darkness you did well to hide
Pollute me with your lies
Forsake my anguished cries

(Chorus)
Poison
Poison flowing in my veins
Leaving me here with all my pain
Never to see the sun again

And now the weakness is growing strong
Enthralled by you I can see no wrong
As I embrace the darkling night
The shadows tell me not to fight
(End chorus)

And how could I know better?
When you inscribe your love in scarlet letters
Luring me in with your siren song
To a place where I can’t be strong

Can’t you feel my animosity?
The darkness turns me
Into this monstrosity
Yet still your eyes are all I seeeee…..

(Chorus)
Poison
Poison flowing in my veins
Leaving me here with all my pain
Never to see the sun again

And now the weakness is growing strong
Enthralled by you I can see no wrong
As I embrace the darkling night
The shadows tell me not to fight
(End chorus)

A sickness creeping through my soul
This love has taken its toll
As you caress me and I succumb
To a life of bitter lies and venom

(Chorus)
Poison
Poison flowing in my veins
Leaving me here with all my pain
Never to see the sun again

And now the weakness is growing strong
Enthralled by you I can see no wrong
As I embrace the darkling night
The shadows tell me not to fight
The shadows tell me not to fight
The shadows tell me not to fight…

 

[brummygit]

hmmm some good ideas but your other one was better me thinks....have you actually tried singing this one? does it work and feel comfortable to sing? if so, then it could work but i think this one should be one of those to pull ideas from cos seriously there are some great lines in here. another tip as a newcomer is to find a line that you like in one of your own tunes, isolate it, then write a tune around what the one line means to you. Then pick another line, try again. It gives you loads of ideas anyhow.
I might be wrong, just it really seems to work for me and keeps things flowing.

 

[Anti-Hero665]

Would harm could it do?
Would could be the matter?
I]

Were you meaning "What harm could it do? What could be the matter?"?

 

[TheMusic]

Oops thanks . It's been edited. So how's it sound???

 

[Anti-Hero665]

I do agree with Bummygit about re-evaluating the difficulty in singing it. It has good visuals, though, and I like it. If the music you write with it fits as is, though, go for it.