More lyrics i need feedback on!

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Jordazjc

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This one is called 'Innocence' which would 'Heal' Would directly flow into :P

Alright, here goes- (Forgive me, its quite long)

Remember, when you were a child?
Ya lived for the day, dreamed big dreams,
Boy, you were wild



Toys, and games, and everything you loved,
Mother and Father’s comforting arms,
Were there for your smile,

Live on your feet, play the day away,
Meet your first friends, and hoped they’d always stay,
At least for a little while



But there were things you didn’t know,
Couldn’t comprehend,

Daddy’s gone to linger, Mother said again,
'He’s no good, the bastardly scum,'
He could not hold on, love only one,
A forgotten little boy, in the midst of a war,

So you were pushed - away.



Where’s your innocence gone?
You left it behind, and took only your mind
Scarred, battered and bruised,
And at home trouble grew,
Birthed a frantic new you,
So you grew to fast for them all!
A young man with a gun, no thought he might fall,
You took all your fears, and threw them against the wall

You think you fight for everyone you love…


Remember, when you were a teenager?
Unorganized and confused, you felt you were abused,
Forgotten in the crowd, no one could see you
Yet you still tried to find places… To hide.

Friends, and crushes, and everything you loved
To be accepted, the way it always warms
It was all for your smile

Live for tomorrow, make today your day,
Meet your first ‘responsibilities’ an hoped they’d go away
At least for a little while

But there were things you didn’t know,
Couldn’t comprehend

‘Try this man, the reefers your friend’
‘You spoiled little bastard!
This will not be where you stand!’
A forgotten little boy, in the midst of a war

So you were pushed, away



Where’s your innocence gone?
You left it behind, and took only your mind
Scarred, battered and bruised,
And at home trouble grew,
Birthed a frantic new you,
So you grew to fast for them all!
A young man with a gun, no thought he might fall,
You took all your fears, and threw them against the wall

You think you fight for everyone you love…


Remember, a few short years ago?
You found love for the first time
She tried to get close to you, yes she tried,
Yet you still tried to find places… to hide.

She could only be, everything you loved
To have someone there, to lean upon
She was there for your smile

Live for yesterday, pushing her away
You didn’t know how to let her in,
At least for a little while

But there were things you didn’t know
Things you couldn’t comprehend

“Nicole?! How long?”
“In three months, he’ll be coming along…”
“God, I can’t be a Dad!:
A forgotten little boy, in the midst of a war…

So you, were pushed way…


Where’s your innocence gone?
With the need to provide?
With the military to guide?
Your fear that you’d hide?
This is wrong, it’s suicide!

She returned the favour, and pushed you away,
You now live for tomorrow, you’d rather not live for the day,
In the chance you’d see your baby, born.
For it you fight, all alone.
Though you might never come home...

Where’s your innocence gone?
You left it behind, and took only your mind
Scarred, battered and bruised,
And at home trouble grew,
Birthed a frantic new you,
So you grew to fast for them all!
A young man with a gun, no thought he might fall,
You took all your fears, and threw them against the wall


A forgotten little boy, in the midst of a war…





Well, this one as you can tell, is much more in detail about the main character of the album, defining major turning points in his life.

This also defines the reason he joined the military in the first place.

Please tell me what you think :P
 
Oh come on, not ever a simple "They're alright", or even a simple "I dont like them?" Come on, I just want something :P Tell me how I can improve em, change em, tell me what you like, dont like, I just need feedback :D

Its GREATLY appreciated :D:D
 
Thanks. I still want more feedback please, if you take the time to read these lyrics, please just comment on it :P You can hate it, dispise it, like it, or love it, I just wanna know :D
 
I think the lyrics are good, but due to the length I got a little distracted. No fault of the lyrics, just my ADD. Is this going to be a 20 min song, or are these the lyrics for an entire concept album? What is the style of music you plan on accompanying these lyrics?
 
This is way to long to be a song, I'd think it more like a short story.

if you are serious about this being a song then you may need to befriend my favorite lyric crafting tool, the thesaurus.

Don't have one? www.thesaurus.com

There has to be a wider variety of words to describe a "wild child"


==========


Is this a hip hop track? The repetitive use of rhyme in your lines leads me to believe so. "scattered battered... etc"


===========

"Live on your feet, play the day away,
Meet your first friends, and hoped they’d always stay," Cliche rhymes are way over done, extremely predictable, why would your audience listen if they know whats coming? It turns into a "teenage poetry" type of thing when you use to many of these.

Invest in a ryhming dictionary, there are more types of rhymes rather than just the obvious "perfect" ryhmes.

you used the words "friend / stand" that's a good example of a different rhyme technique.

==========


one last thing that bugs me about your post.

"This also defines the reason he joined the military in the first place."

Why are you explaining the song? Your audience should be able to understand your writing without an explanation. Explaining it means you doubt that you can convey the message successfully, get out of that mindset. If you get negative feedback from not explaining your lyrics good, cause thats the best feedback to work with! You shouldn't have to explain any of your lyrics they should speak for themselves.

Sorry my post is all scattered, its getting late here I've been up a while had finals today and stuff.
 
Thanks for the feed back :P And well, the only reason I explained the lyrics at all before hand, is because the song lyrics I posted before, for the song that would come before in the album had comments on it saying it didn't define his personal life too much. So, I acknowledged that, saying that this defines his reasons.

And yes, this is going to be a particularly long song.

I forget, I think the person before this post says that songs like these are too long or something? Well, Pink Floyd's 'Dogs' is a perfect example of a song that is long, but not at all too long. It's seventeen something minutes of pure amazement.

As for the theme of this song, it will be innocent, with a growing sense of uncomfort and darkness, indicating his travel into a darker, more intense lifestyle. It WILL be long.

But otherwise, keep it coming, Im sure I'll revise it in the near future :D
 
No problem, just post them I'll check em' out, I love helping other songwriters. I myself have only been songwriting for 3 years but I have had a few successful songs(never really pushed anything, but for the genre they came out pretty good)

Check out the track "Your Wings" on my acoustic myspace @ www.myspace.com/wethemisunderstood

I wrote it all and we collabed for the 2nd verse.

There's another track up there called Rescue Me but that's a piece of shit I don't actually like it, I wrote it in 10 minutes one night and my friend just loved it so we wasted our time recording it.
 
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