More lyrics..."A Father's Hope"

[Freddy]

I like the song.

I like the subject matter (being a father helps maybe!) and I love the last line.

Put me down as another who finds the "put him in a strong, sound creed" bit jars. I'm not sure if it is the "puts him" bit or the creed. I think it is both.

You were looking for another rhyme. Now, I'm not sure how important the religious aspects were, but one suggestion could be "integrity".

For example:

I hope I do a good job, and I hope I raise him well.
I hope I can do it, and I pray not to fail.
I hope I can instil in him some real integrity,
This father hopes I'm half the man that he grows up to be.

If religion is an important factor, maybe something like "I hope that he will grow to know that Jesus set him free" (not being religious I am a bit out of my comfort zone here).

Just a few thoughts. However you go with it, it's a warming song

 

[mjr]

I like the song.

I like the subject matter (being a father helps maybe!) and I love the last line.

Put me down as another who finds the "put him in a strong, sound creed" bit jars. I'm not sure if it is the "puts him" bit or the creed. I think it is both.

You were looking for another rhyme. Now, I'm not sure how important the religious aspects were, but one suggestion could be "integrity".

For example:

I hope I do a good job, and I hope I raise him well.
I hope I can do it, and I pray not to fail.
I hope I can instil in him some real integrity,
This father hopes I'm half the man that he grows up to be.

If religion is an important factor, maybe something like "I hope that he will grow to know that Jesus set him free" (not being religious I am a bit out of my comfort zone here).

Just a few thoughts. However you go with it, it's a warming song

Never thought of the actual religious aspect of it. It's a good idea, though. Might have to put that in the second verse.

Integrity is also a good word choice. It looks like it flows well with the chorus. It's used in the first verse, though, so I might have to revisit that wording if "integrity" fits better in the chorus.

How's this for a chorus change:

I hope I do a good job, and I hope I raise him well.
I hope I can do it, and I pray not to fail.
I hope I can put in him a strong morality.
This father's hope is I'm half the man that he grows up to be.

I see real promise with this song...it'll be a hit!

Now I need to work on verse 2...

 

[Rokket]

Never thought of the actual religious aspect of it. It's a good idea, though. Might have to put that in the second verse.

Integrity is also a good word choice. It looks like it flows well with the chorus. It's used in the first verse, though, so I might have to revisit that wording if "integrity" fits better in the chorus.

How's this for a chorus change:

I hope I do a good job, and I hope I raise him well.
I hope I can do it, and I pray not to fail.
I hope I can put in him a strong morality.
This father's hope is I'm half the man that he grows up to be.

I see real promise with this song...it'll be a hit!

Now I need to work on verse 2...

I was reserving comment until you had absorbed the rest and rewrote. I like the whole father/child aspect of songwriting. I personally don't think there is enough appreciation in this world for our children. I like the rewrite, but I am having a bit of a problem with the meter of the last line. It's strong and it ties the chorus together well, but it's a bit wordy with the current rewrite. Perhaps I need to hear it in the context of the melody...
Keep at it, you have a gem there.

 

[ido1957]

Integrity is also a good word choice. It looks like it flows well with the chorus. It's used in the first verse, though, so I might have to revisit that wording if "integrity" fits better in the chorus.

Agreed - I like Integrity in the chorus....

How's this for a chorus change:

I hope I do a good job, and I hope I raise him well.
I hope I can do it, and I pray not to fail.
I hope I can put in him a strong morality.
This father's hope is I'm half the man that he grows up to be.

"Morality" works but I prefer Integrity - just like the sound/feel of that word better.

I see real promise with this song...it'll be a hit!

Agreed....

Now I need to work on verse 2...

Sounds good - keep us posted!

 

[mjr]

Ok...here's an update...

I still haven't got the 2nd verse, but I did make subtle changes to the first verse and chorus.

"This Father's Hope"
Lyrics and Music by Monte Richardson
Copyright © 2006 Monte Richardson

V1:
I have a son, and I'm gonna do my best to raise him right.
I'll try to do what I can to make sure he lives a good life.
I'll try to teach him honesty, respect, and the Golden Rule,
The Ten Commandments, and "To Thine own self be true".

Ch:
I hope I do a good job, and I hope I raise him well.
I hope I can do it, and I pray not to fail.
I hope I can put in him integrity.
This father's hope is I'm half the man that he grows up to be.

How's that for a change?

 

[ido1957]

"I hope I can put in him integrity." - I'm having trouble with the multiple "in" syllables in that line. The first change "respect" fits very well....

 

[mjr]

"I hope I can put in him integrity." - I'm having trouble with the multiple "in" syllables in that line. The first change "respect" fits very well....

This should read better:

This Father's Hope"
Lyrics and Music by Monte Richardson
Copyright © 2006 Monte Richardson

V1:
I have a son, and I'm gonna do my best to raise him right.
I'll try to do what I can to make sure he lives a good life.
I'll try to teach him honesty, respect, and the Golden Rule,
The Ten Commandments, and "To Thine own self be true".

Ch:
I hope I do a good job, and I hope I raise him well.
I hope I can do it, and I pray not to fail.
I hope I can teach him integrity.
This father's hope is I'm half the man that he grows up to be.

 

[ido1957]

I hope I can teach him integrity.

I'm still having some difficulty with this line...sorry MJR

The "him" and the "in" of integrity aren't sounding right when I read them.
It's like I need a different word there (before integrity) with a consonant on the end - like "some" or "of" or "about" (just ideas)...that joins to integrity, combining the last syllable with the first.

Again, this is just my feel on the line....it might work as is depending on the phrasing....

 

[mjr]

I hope I can teach him integrity.

I'm still having some difficulty with this line...sorry MJR

The "him" and the "in" of integrity aren't sounding right when I read them.
It's like I need a different word there (before integrity) with a consonant on the end - like "some" or "of" or "about" (just ideas)...that joins to integrity, combining the last syllable with the first.

Again, this is just my feel on the line....it might work as is depending on the phrasing....

Thanks!
I'll keep that in mind and see how things go...

 

[Freddy]

I suspect that you have a completely different take on those last 2 lines of the chorus Monte, but I hear them to the tune of "O Susanna!".

It affects how I see the line working.. just thought I'd share (sorry if that puts the tune into your head too!)

Oh Susanna! Don't you cry for me
I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee

I hope I can teach him (...) integrity
This father hopes he's half the man his son turns out to be

It means I need that extra syllable to hear the line too (even though you already have one more syllable than the tune I hear).

Perhaps that makes no sense. I think it's the gap between the sentences.

 

[mjr]

I suspect that you have a completely different take on those last 2 lines of the chorus Monte, but I hear them to the tune of "O Susanna!".

It affects how I see the line working.. just thought I'd share (sorry if that puts the tune into your head too!)

Oh Susanna! Don't you cry for me
I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee

I hope I can teach him (...) integrity
This father hopes he's half the man his son turns out to be

It means I need that extra syllable to hear the line too (even though you already have one more syllable than the tune I hear).

Perhaps that makes no sense. I think it's the gap between the sentences.

 

[ido1957]

I suspect that you have a completely different take on those last 2 lines of the chorus Monte, but I hear them to the tune of "O Susanna!".

I didn't get Oh Susanna but now that song is stuck in my head

I hope I can teach him (...) integrity
This father hopes he's half the man his son turns out to be

It means I need that extra syllable

That might be more what I was needing - just an extra syllable or two before integrity....thus leaving "him" in there.... What do you think MJR? Does it fit your plans for the melody there? BTW - I really like that last line - sounds better each time I read it....

 

[mjr]

I didn't get Oh Susanna but now that song is stuck in my head


That might be more what I was needing - just an extra syllable or two before integrity....thus leaving "him" in there.... What do you think MJR? Does it fit your plans for the melody there? BTW - I really like that last line - sounds better each time I read it....

That's entirely possible. I'll have to play with it to see what I can come up with.

The last line is my favorite, too. In fact, that's the line that originally came to me. I couldn't write it down fast enough.