More lyrics..."A Father's Hope"

[mjr]

What's everyone think so far??

"A Father's Hope"
Lyrics and Music by Monte Richardson
Copyright © 2006 Monte Richardson

V1:
I have a son, and I'm gonna do my best to raise him right.
I'll try to do what I can to make sure he lives a good life.
I'll try to teach him honesty, integrity, and the Golden Rule,
The Ten Commandments, and "To Thine own self be true".

Ch:
I hope I do a good job, and I hope I raise him well.
I hope I can do it, and I pray not to fail.
I hope I can put in him a strong, sound creed.
(and) I can only hope I'm half the man that he grows up to be.

 

[mikeh]

Not bad lyrics- maybe a little too syrupy for my particlar taste, but the sentiment is nice.

I think the last line of your chorus is a very good line!! However, perhaps the chorus needs some fine tuning. From a commerical view - you should try to get your title hook into the chorus. As an example:

A Father's Hope is that I raise him well
A Father's Hope is that I do not fail

I know that adds more syllables and will require a change to the phrasing, but, would you not want to hit your hook in the chorus?

 

[mjr]

Not bad lyrics- maybe a little too syrupy for my particlar taste, but the sentiment is nice.

I think the last line of your chorus is a very good line!! However, perhaps the chorus needs some fine tuning. From a commerical view - you should try to get your title hook into the chorus. As an example:

A Father's Hope is that I raise him well
A Father's Hope is that I do not fail

I know that adds more syllables and will require a change to the phrasing, but, would you not want to hit your hook in the chorus?

Definitely a thought. Very interesting perspective. Since it's a work in progress, I might work on a title change also. I'll have to plug that in and see.

I could change the title to "This Father's Hope" and then change the chorus as you suggested, using "This Father's Hope" instead of "A Father's Hope"...that may work well!

I could also change the last line to "This father's hope is that I'm half the man that he grows up to be."

That last line is definitely one of my faves. I think that almost makes the whole song. Now I'm striving to make the rest of the song pay off.

 

[ido1957]

Monte - good theme for a song...it hits a chord in fathers who have sons.

Verse is good - nothing I feel needs to change on that.

Chorus - I agree your title could go in there. Another suggestion - add the title/hook to the first two or three lines of the chorus and leave the last line as it is now (because it reads nicely now).

I was looking for a rhyme on lines one and two of the chorus - that may be because the lines were close to rhyming...not necessary though....just my observation as I read it...

Keep us posted as to updates as you work on this.....

 

[mjr]

Monte - good theme for a song...it hits a chord in fathers who have sons.

Verse is good - nothing I feel needs to change on that.

Chorus - I agree your title could go in there. Another suggestion - add the title/hook to the first two or three lines of the chorus and leave the last line as it is now (because it reads nicely now).

I was looking for a rhyme on lines one and two of the chorus - that may be because the lines were close to rhyming...not necessary though....just my observation as I read it...

Keep us posted as to updates as you work on this.....

I couldn't think of a good word that rhymed with "well", so I did a word that's close, and used "fail".

I'll keep everyone posted...

Now I have three different versions of the chorus:

1 (original):
I hope I do a good job, and I hope I raise him well.
I hope I can do it, and I pray not to fail.
I hope I can put in him a strong, sound creed.
(and) I can only hope I'm half the man that he grows up to be.

2 (I'd change the title to "This Father's Hope"):
I hope I do a good job, and I hope I raise him well.
I hope I can do it, and I pray not to fail.
I hope I can put in him a strong, sound creed.
This father's hope is I'm half the man that he grows up to be.

3 (w/repeated hook):
A Father's Hope is that I raise him well.
A Father's Hope is I do not fail.
A Father's Hope is I give him a sound creed.
(and) I can only hope I'm half the man that he grows up to be.

 

[ido1957]

Well, after reading all three, I like version #2 the best....it reads well and retains all of your great original words....

 

[gecko zzed]

I think the song will appeal to a particular audience, but I feel it might be a limited one. The line about instilling a creed sounds awkward, and in my mind detracts from the general flow.

You might like to consider what you are up against. One of the finest 'father and son' I have heard is in fact "Father and Son" by Cat Stevens. His song conveys a similar theme but in a subtle and lyrically exceedingly well crafted way.

 

[up-fiddler]

I like the song and the hook. Not especially fond of the use of the word 'creed'. There a a good many words which rhyme with 'be' and many. Sadly, many folks out there today don't know what creed means and I think your lyric might be lost on them. This is a long response.

Short version- I like it.

 

[mjr]

I like the song and the hook. Not especially fond of the use of the word 'creed'. There a a good many words which rhyme with 'be' and many. Sadly, many folks out there today don't know what creed means and I think your lyric might be lost on them. This is a long response.

Short version- I like it.

What I want to do is find a word that rhymes with "be", but also conveys the same meaning as "creed".

 

[ido1957]

What I want to do is find a word that rhymes with "be", but also conveys the same meaning as "creed".

Dictionary.com provides a definition that includes the word "belief" but that may be too similar to "be"......

 

[stodge]

I don't like "Sound" and "Job", and I prefer "This Father's Hope".

 

[andyhix]

I agree pretty much with everything already said - include the title in one line or more of the chorus, and rework the creed line. Nice song, though. Another great father and son song is "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" by John Denver. I like it cuz it talks about values and whatnot handed down from his father, but it's within a larger context, lyrically and thematically.

Well, my fiddle was my daddys till the day he died
He took me by the hand and held me close to his side
Said, live a good life and play my fiddle with pride
And thank God youre a country boy

My daddy taught me young how to hunt and how to whittle
Taught me how to work and play a tune on the fiddle
Taught me how to love and how to give just a little
Thank God Im a country boy

Just a thought, but you could try to tell more of a story, without losing sight of the underlying theme of wellwishing upon your son. Anyway, regardless, I like it and it is a nice sappy (in a good way) idea.

 

[mjr]

Dictionary.com provides a definition that includes the word "belief" but that may be too similar to "be"......

Yeah, I figured I'd go with a thesaurus and see what turned up...

 

[TelePaul]

I dunno about syrupy; i mean 'Father and Son' by cat Stephens is a remarkably moving song, as is 'Cats in the Cradle' and 'Simple Man' (whihc your lyric 'to thine own self be true.) I like this.

 

[ido1957]

I dunno about syrupy; i mean 'Father and Son' by cat Stephens is a remarkably moving song, as is 'Cats in the Cradle' and 'Simple Man' (whihc your lyric 'to thine own self be true.) I like this.

Syrupy probably describes 75% of the tunes out there
I like syrupy! And I like your song too!

 

[mikeh]

When I referenced syrupy, I was not trying to be cruel and I did qualify that was based on "my particular taste". I did state that I did not think the lyrics were bad.

I agree that a lot of material would meet at least my definition of "syrupy". I would suggest that as writers, a challenge for any of us would be to find ways to present what may be nice or sweet sentiments in ways that don't automatically resort to the "easy, syrupy lyrical solution"

Perhaps since probably 75% of what's out there is indeed syrupy, it may suggest too many writers don't work hard enough to find a more lyrically original way to present the story.

 

[up-fiddler]

"Roses are red. Violets are purple.
Sugar is sweet and so is maple syrple." Roger Miller

(and he didn't do too badly for himself...)

 

[ido1957]

When I referenced syrupy, I was not trying to be cruel and I did qualify that was based on "my particular taste". I did state that I did not think the lyrics were bad.

I agree that a lot of material would meet at least my definition of "syrupy". I would suggest that as writers, a challenge for any of us would be to find ways to present what may be nice or sweet sentiments in ways that don't automatically resort to the "easy, syrupy lyrical solution"

Perhaps since probably 75% of what's out there is indeed syrupy, it may suggest too many writers don't work hard enough to find a more lyrically original way to present the story.

No offence taken mikeh - hope my post about lots of songs being "syrupy" didn't offend you either. I respect your opinion as a songwriter and always look forward to your input on this forum....

 

[mikeh]

Ido1957,

I took no offense - you posted plenty of which made it very clear that you were having fun with the whole syrupy thing.

There are plenty of syrupy songs that I like - when I was a kid I grew up listening to the Archies, 1910 Fruitgum Company and all the other "bubblegum groups" - you can't come through that with out at least a tolerance for syrupy

 

[samd577]

well i like it. i know you probably heard all the constructive critisism before, but i was hanging around and decided to give this a look.

i think the creed thing is a bit iffy, but it does depend on your other work. if, i mean no jokes or qualms when i say this, all your music is of a religious nature, then this would fit quite nicely. even if not, the final choice is yours. just because you post does not mean that you have to change it.

I LOVE the last line of the chorus. it brings it all together in a way that fells right. you know what i mean when you were writing it. you just know when a line is good, well done.

as for the message, i have no problem with it. people interpret music in different ways these days, so really songs can be about anything, and people will take from it what they want out of it.

to conclude, i really like it, as a new member of this forum, i hope to see more of your stuff on the way.

peace