lyrics: a question of taste

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Layla Nahar

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is the following metaphor too pompous/affected/intellecual whatever? (its the chorus)


travelling in the realm of the senses
sometimes I'd like to lose my way
still I stop to collect my souvenirs
(need my othe line here :))


anyway the metaphor is, the realm of the senses
as a land we can travel thru

The body of the song is a series of examples
of the ordinary moments in our lives. The language
is pretty concrete.

is it just *too much*? -- I'm trying to write a pop song ...
(last person I know used 'real of the senses' in
pop song - was Sting - not someone I want to be
compared to - or Peter Gabriel)
 
Hmm. I don't recall a Sting song saying "realm of the senses". "Empire of the senses" - yes (Love Is The Seventh Wave).

IMO, you could do a lot worse than be compared to Sting.
 
Yeah, I catch myself in stilted language a lot.

IMO, it's cooler if you can be a bit obtuse when you pull out the 50 cent words - so "realm of sense" sounds poetic and otherworldly (to me - but I'm half-Neanderthal), where "realm of the senses" DOES sound pompous. To me (see above).

One test for pomposity that I use: "can I picture Frasier Crane saying it?" - if so, it's back for a rewrite.:D
 
I just did a search of both Realm of the Senses - its a japanese art porn movie - and Empire of the Senses - is a french erotic novel ...

Not quite the association I want
but ... maybe somehow I can make the metaphor work
without using either of those phrases

...

ps: really liked the Frasier Test
 
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Layla Nahar said:
is the following metaphor too pompous/affected/intellecual whatever? (its the chorus)


travelling in the realm of the senses
sometimes I'd like to lose my way
still I stop to collect my souvenirs
(need my othe line here :))
Click to expand...


Stop and smell the roses today (cliche - but rhymes)

No worries for another day

Haven't got a price to pay

Sometimes I can't help but stray (Appropriate based on your second line)

We should all take time to play

For me there's no other way

Or drop to my knees and embrace the day

Or find a new path on which to stray (also appropriate)

I only wish that I could stay

And carry home a piece of today

Another moment keeping reality at bay

Here there are no skys of grey

Leave your problems where they lay

Escaping life's disarray

Born in the USA

I'm running out of things to say

So have a good day... and I hope this might help some. :)

- Tanlith -

(New WebSite - check it out if you have a chance)


OHHH Just thought of this one so I came back to edit my reply:

"Another piece of life's bitter-sweet ballet" Dunno if it works with the rest of your song, but it sounds cool don't it?
 
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dafduc said:
One test for pomposity that I use: "can I picture Frasier Crane saying it?" - if so, it's back for a rewrite.:D
Click to expand...

LMAO! That's a good one, I'll remember that :)
 
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