Lyric - untitled

F

Freddy

New member
I have never done this before (shown a lyric before I felt it was "done") but thought I would give it a try and see if I could get some help from the good people here. All advice appreciated!

I have been working on this one for a while and, while I like some of it, I feel that something is wrong and can't quite put my finger on it. See what you think.

I have some music, and it fits in the contemporary genre I guess. However, that could change at this stage.

#Untitled

Japanese tattoo and a schoolyard smile
A sparkle in her eye that says it’s been worthwhile
It’s getting kind of late
She’s really got to go

French cigarettes and cheap perfume
The scent of night in a rented room
But it’s getting kind of late
And she’s really got to go

Diamante earrings
Faded jeans
The skin of a woman still in her teens

I don't want to say good night
I want her to make things right
And I want her to take some time
And spend that time with me
Soft surrender, sweet surprise
Telling all these pretty lies
Just to make her take some time
And spend that time with me

The night is cold and I need somebody to cling to
I’m sinking fast and I need somebody to cling to
I know it's late but I need somebody to cling to
The world's too fast, I need somebody to cling to

She says she sees through me, I say “What do you see?”
She says she sees some kind of good in me
Well, I just mouth some obscenity.. and laugh, ha! ha!
A smart-mouthed kid with a nightclub tan
I need her to make me a better man
With a sense of purpose and a battle plan – uh-huh

Diamante earrings
Faded jeans
Never says what she really means

I don't want to say good night
I want her to make things right
I want her to take some time
And spend that time with me
Soft surrender, sweet surprise
Look into her pretty eyes
Try to make her take some time
And spend that time with me

The night is cold and I need somebody to cling to
I’m sinking fast and I need somebody to cling to
I know it's late but I need somebody to cling to
The world's too fast, I need somebody to cling to

Japanese tattoo
Schoolyard smile
Sparkle in her eye
Been worthwhile
It's getting kind of late..
It's getting kind of late..
It's getting kind of late

Thanks for your help :)
 
Freddy said:
I have never done this before (shown a lyric before I felt it was "done") but thought I would give it a try and see if I could get some help from the good people here. All advice appreciated!

I have been working on this one for a while and, while I like some of it, I feel that something is wrong and can't quite put my finger on it. See what you think.

I have some music, and it fits in the contemporary genre I guess. However, that could change at this stage.

#Untitled

Japanese tattoo and a schoolyard smile
A sparkle in her eye that says it’s been worthwhile
It’s getting kind of late
She’s really got to go

French cigarettes and cheap perfume
The scent of night in a rented room
But it’s getting kind of late
And she’s really got to go

Diamante earrings
Faded jeans
The skin of a woman still in her teens

I don't want to say good night
I want her to make things right
And I want her to take some time
And spend that time with me
Soft surrender, sweet surprise
Telling all these pretty lies
Just to make her take some time
And spend that time with me

The night is cold and I need somebody to cling to
I’m sinking fast and I need somebody to cling to
I know it's late but I need somebody to cling to
The world's too fast, I need somebody to cling to

She says she sees through me, I say “What do you see?”
She says she sees some kind of good in me
Well, I just mouth some obscenity.. and laugh, ha! ha!
A smart-mouthed kid with a nightclub tan
I need her to make me a better man
With a sense of purpose and a battle plan – uh-huh

Diamante earrings
Faded jeans
Never says what she really means

I don't want to say good night
I want her to make things right
I want her to take some time
And spend that time with me
Soft surrender, sweet surprise
Look into her pretty eyes
Try to make her take some time
And spend that time with me

The night is cold and I need somebody to cling to
I’m sinking fast and I need somebody to cling to
I know it's late but I need somebody to cling to
The world's too fast, I need somebody to cling to

Japanese tattoo
Schoolyard smile
Sparkle in her eye
Been worthwhile
It's getting kind of late..
It's getting kind of late..
It's getting kind of late

Thanks for your help :)
Click to expand...

I like it. The only thing that seems out of place to me is the

It’s getting kind of late
She’s really got to go

in the first part of the song.

It doesn't seem to fit for some reason.

Could you add something that explains who she is, and why she has to go? Is she a girlfriend who has to work tomorrow?

How about changing it to:

Japanese tattoo and a schoolyard smile
A sparkle in her eye that says it’s been worthwhile
French cigarettes and cheap perfume
The scent of night in a rented room

But it’s getting kind of late
And she’s really got to go
It's getting kind of late
and she's really got to go

How about that?
 
Freddy said:
The night is cold and I need somebody to cling to
I’m sinking fast and I need somebody to cling to
I know it's late but I need somebody to cling to
The world's too fast, I need somebody to cling to
Click to expand...
Well Freddy this is a great bit of writing, lots of feel and imagery.....
It's pretty close to (if not already) done now....

The only thing I would change...and it's just a personal preference.... I'm not into the repeating "cling to" in the above lines. It seems like a hook so I'm not sure if you would want to change that.

It's really good ......

:) :D :) :D
 
ido1957 said:
The only thing I would change...and it's just a personal preference.... I'm not into the repeating "cling to" in the above lines.
:) :D :) :D
Click to expand...
Agreed.

"A smart-mouthed kid with a nightclub tan
I need her to make me a better man
With a sense of purpose and a battle plan – uh-huh"
and this is very clever.

Good show. ;) Give us a link once it's musical.
 
Thank you all for the kind comments and the ideas.

Monte:

"Could you add something that explains who she is, and why she has to go? Is she a girlfriend who has to work tomorrow?".

I could, but I'd rather leave that open. It's meant to be about that feeling I had when single and would have one-night stands. After a while, what I really wanted most was the warmth and company of another human being. Love, if you like, even if it was fake and short-term. A retreat from being alone. And a desire for something more permanent.

ido1957 (<-- year I was born!) and up-fiddler:

Yes! I think you have something there. I'm going to try it without singing the "I need somebody to cling to" on the first 3 lines (but leave the music). The 4th line changes musically and I'm thinking I may keep it in there. Or at least only use it once. It will take a little experimentation.

Thanks, that could make it more interesting! I will link when done, and once I have sorted out my recording gear. Or maybe I can just throw up a rough version if that takes too long.

Anyone else:

Ideas still welcome! :)
 
Freddy said:
French cigarettes and cheap perfume
The scent of night in a rented room
Click to expand...

I don't know if you're familiar with the work of Richard Thompson, but this couplet really seems similar to a rhyme from 'The Turning of the Tide':

Pretty little shoes and cheap perfume
Creaking bed in the hotel room

Anyway, just thought I'd point that out. I really like your song, by the way, some beautiful phrases in there. Just be aware of length.
 
32-20-Blues said:
I don't know if you're familiar with the work of Richard Thompson, but this couplet really seems similar to a rhyme from 'The Turning of the Tide':

Pretty little shoes and cheap perfume
Creaking bed in the hotel room

Anyway, just thought I'd point that out. I really like your song, by the way, some beautiful phrases in there. Just be aware of length.
Click to expand...

I used to live quite close to Richard Thompson many years ago, but hadn't realised that line was so disappointingly close to one he wrote. I'm not sure whether to be pleased or irritated :D

As it happens, it occured to me that I should change that line to "cheap cigarettes and French perfume" just so it puts "me" down rather than "her". It will still be similar to his though.

Length - yeah. When I posted this that was one of the things on my mind. I half expected to take a chain saw to it but wasn't sure where to cut and thought I might get a nudge in the right direction from any comments posted.

As it stands it comes in a little over 3 minutes (which is OK), but I suspect it could do with more space between the words so some pruning may help.

Once I have taken on board the comments I think I will just record it and put it down for a while - come back to it later for a review and edit. I think I said in another thread that I never see a song as completely finished (one of my many failings!).

Thanks again.
 
I put together a very rough version this morning. Now, when I say rough, I do mean rough!

I envisaged this song with acoustic guitar and/or maybe some piano. However, I am still in the process of ordering some recording gear, so those options weren't available.

Therefore I tried a DIed electric guitar capoed up and me "singing" into a cheap dynamic mic while my wife was out shopping this morning - because that was what was available! :eek:

Anyway, I hoped that you could see the idea despite the poor quality. :)

However, on listening back, I think it needs redoing. It really was that bad. Anyone who may have heard it while the link was here would agree I'm sure :)
 
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