Looking for critique

Ok man... It's a month since the last post...but I did make a promise...so here I am. Better late than never I hope :)

I actually really like the simple changes. To me it adds a kind of haunting/unresolved sound to the song which I think fits the song just fine.

I can get hung up on structure sometimes, but I also recognize there are great songs out there that have no rhyme scheme whatsoever so I'm gonna sit on the fence and not even go there ;) :D.

I can tell that this song is something very personal to you. It comes across in your voice & how you delivered the lyric. There are some rough spots vocally, but for the most part they work IMHO. (there may be a couple that are a little too rough). You actually have quite a nice voice. I think things get a little shaky when you really try to push it. When you lay back on it a bit it is extremely pleasant to listen to.

Though I can tell that this song has deep meaning to you, I really can't figure out what it's about. There are so many conflicting lyrics in here that I am left guessing. Or maybe I'm just too thick which is a distinct possiblilty :D.

The first verse doesn't seem to do really add anything to the song for me. I'm sure you have a picture of something in your mind I'm not seeing how it relates to the story.

When I get to the chorus, I start to get a picture that maybe you are talking about your Mom who maybe died before your son was really old enough to remember her.

Then in the next verse there seems to be a tangent about a picture you found of your Mom & Dad that doesn't resolve itself or add to the story line IMO. Plus I get confused in this verse when you say you found a picture of them together (paraphrase) and then say that those were the days of separation. Those seem to conflict and I don't really know what you are getting at there.

I also get confused in the last verse where you say "it's to late to thank you for raising my kids" when in the chorus you say "sad your grandson never really knew you". Those don't gel for me.

I think the "It's Only April" hook has some very interesting possibilities. I'm almost envisioning a Verse, Verse, Bridge, Verse type structure where the hook is at the end of each verse and bridge and the hook could be attacked at many angles. Like (she dies in April, son's birthday is in April....) - (just shooting off the hip here).

After saying that, there is nothing wrong with writing an intensely personal song that is not meant for widespread public consumption. It just has to be done sometimes. And you never know...sometimes those are the diamonds in the rough. I'm glad you shared this one though, because the emotion that I could feel coming from your performance was worth the ticket price.

Sorry it took so long to get here... :(

Looking forward to the next one. :)
 
Thanks Jag, I gotta say.....It's about damn time!! J/K. That was probably the most up front review I've ever gotten on any of my tunes, and coming from you it means a lot. You pretty much hit it on the head regarding the emotion behind the song. The separation and the conflicting kids thing is a reference to MY OWN situation at the time. The 8 yr. old is by a different momma. Thanks a lot, your post has given me some real insight toward the future of that song. Appreciate the spin man, and the review.

bd
 
Well it only took me 26 mins to d/l (went n watched some tube) and after that Im obligated to put my 2c in hehehehe

I only heard a couple slop spots on the guitar...remember, only YOU know where you messed up, anyone else will perceive it as what you meant to do...unless its really soused, then ya retrack anyways hehe...

Everyone else has said it all already...the lyrics...seems you've fallen into that same trap I did with "just so ya know"...so personal only you get em...but your backing conveys a good part of the emotion also so it comes off alot better heheh

Yea the vocals...you do have a good voice and can obviously sing (i cant :( ) but I thought the vocals were just a tish muddy or...something

Overall I think its really just missing something to break it up like some have said already...its got great potential.

2 (3) chords...that was the point right? Ive always felt you only need as much as you need. and if this tells it like it is in your head then anything else is just fluff...a nice heartwrenching solo at intro or outro woulda been sweet though heheheh

great song dude...just needs some refinement!

LS
 
bdbdbuck said:
Hey guys,
Thanks a lot for the listen and the honest critique. I think it's healthy for songwriters to have their work disected from time to time.
Technically, there are three chords (Asus2), but the perception that there are only two points to the breaking of the rules as we have come to accept them. That is exactly why I posted this tune.
My question here is.....Does the melody of the song stray from the music so much that we need to add a chord or two, or are we going to add the chord because we "just cant have two chords"?
Joro...I tried to attach the lyrics but MS Word is not an acceptable file extension. PM your e-mail address and I'll get em to ya.

Thanks again,
bd
Click to expand...

Dude... sounds cool! Ummm As for the "can't have 2 chords" comment, don't add any... instead, you might consider adding/doing more with bass (riffs etc) and some ambient background (keyboards?). Do more with those instead of the chords. A good example is a song called "Voyeur" by a group called "Red Delicious" The guy on the acoustic just keeps hitting the same chord through most of the verse, while the Bass and Keys help drive the Vocals.

Just a thought!

- Tanlith -
Webmaster: Super Loop Library
 
Fat_Satchel,
Thanks for waiting for the d/l..........I know how much of a drag dial-up is! I gotta say that the solo idea is a good one, at least something I can do. I really appreciate the critique. There have been a few posts (including yours) that have given me some ideas for the future.

Tanlith,
Long time no hear from! Thanks for the suggestions, I know exactly what you're saying. This forum has been most helpful out of all I posted in. When I get around to re-doing this tune, it won't sound like the same tune. I actually thought this had run it's course.......been up for quite a while. Good to see some old friends surfacing with some solid constructive criticism.

bd
 
BD,

I liked it. I don't think it needs another chord. In fact, some people forget that some great songs are only two or 3 chords max. And if that's not enough for those who insist it needs a change "Tomorrow Never Knows" is only ONE chord.

I don't know why but I just kept thinking of U2 - not that it sounds like them, but the simplicity of it.

DM
 
Thanks Dave, I'm glad you took the time to listen. I have some new stuff coming pretty soon......a bit more polished than this one. I did all that in one setting and never really took the time to refine it. I have a lot of good ideas now thanks to this forum. Hey, I noticed you have two tunes on the top of the chart @ NWR. Good job man!


bd
 
charts

Yeah Man! You own that chart! Way to go. I've never introduced myself but I thought I'd chime in to do so, and to say: 1 & 2 is very impressive congrats.
-ok
 
lyrics

Hi everybody,
I'm new to this board but an old hand as a songwriter.

I don't think you should worry about anyone thinking your lyrics are too personal. Ever hear John Lennon Plastic Ono Band? Talk about personal. It's also genius.

Your lyrics aren't genius but they're better than most I've read on this forum (sorry didn't hear the actual song yet) & even though they're personal I get a real sense of the story &, more importantly, the feeling of the song. I think you've done a good job with the topic & managed to avoid making it the cliche-fest it could easily have become.

And to me that's extreeeeemely important.

Love on,
small
 
Hey small,
Since you're a noob and all.........welcome to the board! Thanks for the critique. You should have a listen! All you have to do is hit the link in my first post in the thread, and it will take you to my site at NoWhereRadio. You don't have to download the tunes, you can get either hi-fi or lo-fi audio streams. If you're on dial-up, you'll need to do lo-fi. Thanks again.

bd
 
cool,
I'm at work now but I'll definitely give it a listen when I get home.
Thanks Buck!

Love on
-small
 
I think I read this thread a little while ago and just noticed it again today...I'm certainly no music guru but I really liked the simplicity of the lyrics. Its a really sweet song (it made me sad and I don't even know you! lol).

Nice song Buck, good luck with your next stuff. :)
 
Thanks Charlie, all props are welcome here! Thanks for the listen. I think that one has pretty much run out of gas. I'll be taking it down to replace it with my next tune. Take care.


bd
 
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