I'm not a rapper, so I guess it's not rap?

[Coughmist]

I probably should have posted it in the hip-hop/rap section, but I never dropped mad lines on a mic before. It's not written in any rhythmic pattern, but I think it could work. I think of it more as poetry. But maybe some type of song in the future...

thoRnS


"The proliferation of altered situations dictate my chances with gun-up stances. Chances are that the cats are prancin', tip tappin' across my silhouette. I bet it hurts when its claws sink through. I'll be playing the world smallest violin for you. When the curtains open I'll be hopen your hurtin before my barrels smoken. That way, after I'm done hiding I can steal the token medal of honor. I won't be soft spoken, cuz I saw your coughing/croaking angel goners while I'm offing these clever soon to be dead devils. Angel's anger rising, bodies perpendicular with these extracurricular propaganda advertisements. But I swore to the spoken public that I'd go to war. So, hose the roses, and keep em growin' til your coffin closes and your composed supposed proposal decomposes. Keep the answers from questions and out from under the public's noses. Questions need killed with these fool's blood that spills before it exposes the broken spokes from my wheels that keep angel's anger burning for free will.

(chorus)
With roses in our pockets we rally round' the tombstones. Locket pictures rocket engraved rosetta stones. Ashes to ashes, we all fall,too.
Violence is red, blood should be blue. this notion may seem closest when viewed as construed.
(chorus)

Constant Battles. Use the cattle, I mean the sheep, I mean the people. That'll teach em that my kitchen sink is leaking the information inside this nation. Who will see my creation? the meteorological orginization/ space administration/ international development association? If the latter, I'll stimulate my simulated military operation with a preliminary examination. Correctional rehabilitation? It's all the same. The pain of the F.B. of investigation makes this great nation possible with emperical observations plain as day. Draw the rein and contain the shrieking domain before it's vein starts leaking. But keep it humane...

(chorus)
With roses in our pockets we rally round' the tombstones. Locket pictures rocket engraved rosetta stones. Ashes to ashes, we all fall,too.
Violence is red, blood should be blue. this notion may seem closest when viewed as construed.
(chorus)

Before i adore what you answer for, Im gonna listen to your boring story. I wont ignore your troubled vision, your troubled mission through my trapdoor. What counts more is who i speak for, so listen to my inventory. Don't ignore my war drum. My green thumb grew the tree my trojan war horse was crafted from. You'll see my hundred thousand friends come and plunder your houses in... Style. I'll be there in a while so eat your cake. You won't see the stomach ache my spitting snake makes. Broken stacks of choked chimneys all in a row. Pack the shackles and drop the keys you borrowed. You favored flavor over savior's favors and savored neighber faith breakers. But you ain't the decision maker, so for gods sake, turn on the emergency brake and let the risk takers partake in your mistakes.

(chorus)
With roses in our pockets we rally round' the tombstones. Locket pictures rocket engraved rosetta stones. Ashes to ashes, we all fall,too.
Violence is red, blood should be blue. this notion may seem closest when viewed as construed.
(chorus)"

Well, if you have made it thus far, let me know what you think.

 

[ido1957]

Well, it reads like rap to me, you know structure wise. Short clips, lots of rhymes. Lots of good phrases here, you have a good vocab which is key in writing good stuff. Cool stuff....

 

[Coughmist]

hey thanks ido! I am surprised somebody read all the way through it! I know there is quite a bit of words in there!

about a year ago I wrote this. Went on a hip-hop stint and bought a bunch of underground artists like Aesop rock and Buck 65. I had never really got into hiphop before - being a guitarist i usually despise it - but these guys had some pretty interesting thoughts on reality. No blingblinging involved, i got hooked. I still suggest aesop rock to anyone interested in great poetry in motion! "9 to 5ers anthem" as well as "no regrets" are my faves as far as lyrics go.

Thanks for the comps, ido1957!

'Look, I've never had a dream in my life
Because a dream is what you wanna do, but still haven't pursued
I knew what I wanted and did it till it was done
So i've been the dream that I wanted to be since day one.' -aesop

 

[up-fiddler]

It does read very much like poetry from the 'beat 50's. I liked it better each time I read it. I am not a fan of most of the ways in which hip hop translates into music. My ears are more accustomed to melody than short snappy rhyme schemes. The imagery here is great and I would like to see it visually laid out in a more traditonal poetic form to give it a touch of class.
"Constant Battles
Use the cattle,
I mean the sheep,
I mean the people.
That'll teach em
that my kitchen sink is leaking
the information
inside this nation."


Reads easier for these old eyes and somehow evokes more power. (To me, at least.)

 

[ido1957]

It does read very much like poetry from the 'beat 50's. I liked it better each time I read it. I am not a fan of most of the ways in which hip hop translates into music. My ears are more accustomed to melody than short snappy rhyme schemes. The imagery here is great and I would like to see it visually laid out in a more traditonal poetic form to give it a touch of class.
"Constant Battles
Use the cattle,
I mean the sheep,
I mean the people.
That'll teach em
that my kitchen sink is leaking
the information
inside this nation."


Reads easier for these old eyes and somehow evokes more power. (To me, at least.)

Good post Dave...ditto for me... I think that Coughmist's material could fit several genres with the right melody/arrangement. That's a reflection of quality material.

 

[Coughmist]

hey! thanks, guys! I appreciate what you have said, up-fiddler, and I went ahead and laid it out in more of a standard poetic form. I am having some trouble lining it up and seeing rhythmic patterns, but after doing a few small changes, I can see how just a bit of re-write could help. It may even inspire, inside of me, a two part song. hmm.
Unfortunately, I think these lyrics would take up half of the liner notes if it were to become a song or two!

Again, thanks for all the feedback!

thoRnS


The proliferation of altered situations
dictates my chances with gun-up stances.
Chances are that the cats are prancin',
tip tappin' across my silhouette.
I bet it hurts when its claws sink through.
I'll be playing the world smallest violin for you.
When the curtains open
I'll be hopen your hurtin
when my barrels smoken.

That way,
after I'm done hiding
I can steal the token
medal of honor.
I won't be soft spoken,
cuz I saw your coughing/croaking
angel goners
while I'm offing these clever
soon to be dead devils.

Angel's anger rising,
bodies perpendicular
with these extracurricular
propaganda advertisements.
But I swore to the public
that I'd go to war.
So, hose the roses,and keep em growin'
til your coffin closes
and your composed proposal decomposes.

Keep the answers from questions
and out from under the public's noses.
Questions need killed
with these fool's blood that spills
before it exposes the broken spokes
from the wheels that keep angel's anger
burning for free will.


(chorus)
With roses in our pockets
we rally round' the tombstones.
Locket pictures rocket
engraved rosetta stones.

Ashes to ashes, we all fall,too.
Violence is red,
blood should be blue.
this notion may seem closest
when viewed as construed.
(chorus)


Constant Battles.
Use the cattle,
I mean the sheep,
I mean the people.
That'll teach em
that my kitchen sink is leaking
the information
inside this nation.
Who will see my creation?
the meteorological orginization?
space administration?
international development association?
If the latter,
I'll stimulate
my simulated
military operation
with a preliminary
examination.

Correctional rehabilitation?
It's all the same.
The pain of the F.B. of investigation
makes this great nation possible
with emperical observations
plain as day.
Draw the rein and contain
the shrieking domain
before it's vein starts leaking.
But keep it humane...


(chorus)
With roses in our pockets
we rally round' the tombstones.
Locket pictures rocket
engraved rosetta stones.

Ashes to ashes, we all fall,too.
Violence is red,
blood should be blue.
this notion may seem closest
when viewed as construed.
(chorus)


Before i adore what you answer for,
Im gonna listen to your boring story.
I wont ignore your troubled vision,
your troubled mission
through my trapdoor.

What counts more is who i speak for,
so listen to my inventory.
Don't ignore my war drum.
My green thumb grew the tree
my trojan war horse was crafted from.

You'll see my hundred thousand friends
come and plunder your houses in...
Style.
I'll be there in a while
so eat your cake.
You won't see the stomach ache
my spitting snakes going to make.

Broken stacks
of choked chimneys in a row.
Pack the shackles and
drop the keys you borrowed.

You favored flavor
over savior's favors
and savored neighber
faith breakers.
But you're not the decision maker,
so for gods sake,
turn on the emergency brake
and let the risk takers partake
in your mistakes.


(chorus)
With roses in our pockets
we rally round' the tombstones.
Locket pictures rocket
engraved rosetta stones.

Ashes to ashes, we all fall,too.
Violence is red,
blood should be blue.
this notion may seem closest
when viewed as construed.
(chorus)