Hi Kerfoot32,
Let's see if we can critique this constructively and help you to improve your performance, presentation and professionalism, as these things will ultimately be what you rely on most often to produce the quality recording(s) you're looking for.
One of the most important things you need to do at this juncture is to learn and practice objective listening. It's so easy to sit back and listen to something you've just done while patting yourself on the back for doing a great job. But is it really such a great job?
The key thing is to put this away and not listen to it for a while. A couple of weeks, a month it's up to you. Then pull it out and play it. I can just about guarantee that after leaving it alone for a while, you will hear the inconsistencies the rest of us already picked up on. This isn't anything new to anyone who has laid down some tracks and then thought how good they were. But give it a rest for a while and then go back and listen, the mistakes you made will jump right out of the speakers and smack you up side the head.
Vocals:
Consistency is key whether you're singing, playing an instrument, or both at the same time. The vocal track appears to “move around” , and not in a good way. By move around, I mean the sound of the vocals changes from one line in the verse to the next. This is obviously because your position relative to the mic has changed. To hear this effect, speak or sing into a mic with no music playing and move around slightly from side to side and closer / further from the mic. Listen to the results. You will be able to hear the kind of “movement” or change I am referring to.
Maintaining distance and position from a vocal mic is paramount to ensure consistency in your vocals. It's even harder to achieve this if you're playing an instrument while singing. If that is how this was done, why not try recording the rhythm guitar by itself, then add the vocals in afterwards.
Another thing which can help, but is by no means a perfect solution is to use a compressor on the vocal mic. This can improve the differences between loud and soft sounds but be careful and don't over do it or become too dependent on the compressor. One thing the compressor cannot do though is to compensate for the change in sound when you move from on-axis to off-axis on the mic.
Concentrate on perfecting one thing at a time and each will improve, together they will improve dramatically.
Enunciations also have rough spots as well, for instance when you sing (while my roof caves in like a)“waterfall”, it actually sounds more like “waterfowl”. Sometimes muddying up a vocal can be an effective tool for expressing or conveying a particular feeling, however I don't think that was the intent in this case. Listen carefully to the rest of the vocals and you will quickly see where improvements can and should be made.
Timing:
When timing isn't consistent, it causes everything to be out of sync, including the listener, which dislikes being out of sync most of all. It also causes the listener frustration because the entire basis of music is timing. If the listener cannot grasp the rhythm and hold on to it tightly, then you just lost the listener.
The first noticeable occurrence comes very early on, pay particular attention to the timings between the rhythm guitar and the vocals. Some words begin in sync with the guitar strum and some begin before the guitar strum, unfortunately there seems to be no discernible pattern to this and if you planned on using this synced/syncopated vocals to rhythm guitar technique, there needs to be a pattern to it's use.
There are times when syncopation is used as an effective tool for creating a particular sound, but it, like anything else, needs to be administered in a preplanned, deliberate way. Again consistency is paramount. The use of syncopation has to be done in a way to convey that “little hiccup” to the listener while maintaining a perception of consistency for them to hold onto When it's used more or less hit and miss as has been done here, it simply leads to confusion on the part of the listener.
Listeners are very fickle people and most need to be led around by the rhythm, if the rhythm doesn't do that you will loose them very quickly.
Listeners also need to know what to expect before it happens. That's not to say that everything has to be in lock step every step of the way, it never hurts to throw the listener a curve ball once in a while, but even that must be done with some sort of consistency. For example if I were to sing the third line in the first verse somewhat syncopated in respect to the rhythm guitar, but all other lines in the verse were in perfect sync, then follow through in the second verse and sing that third line syncopated as well, because the listener having heard that happen in the first verse, is now expecting that to happen in the second verse and subsequent verses as well.
Once the timing hits a snag, it is very difficult to ever bring it back and maintain. Timing does become less of an issue when both the rhythm guitar and vocal tracks are in time with each other, but it becomes very obvious when both are inconsistent in their timing, and unfortunately that is what you have going on in this piece.
With practice and patience you can improve greatly on what you've done so far. The most difficult parts are past you. You've got the basic song structure, lyrics and composition down. Now what you need to do is polish this up and make it shine. Practice, Practice, Practice, and when you're tired of that, go back and do it again.
Planning and forethought along with practice are the things that will help you to improve on what you've already got going. You've made mistakes, but none that any of us haven't made as well. Learn from them and remember them, that will help to keep you from making them again.
I hope this helps, and be sure to post a link once you've got the shine on it.
