I'd appreciate a critique of "The Kiss I Never Knew"

Scriabin

Scriabin

New member
Hello Everyone,
I've really appreciated the critiques youve given in the past, some humbling and some encouraging. Well here's my newest lyrics and they are for another classic jazz, dixieland type song. It needs its first good revision so spare nothing I appreciate any thoughts and critiques! Thank you in advance!

The Kiss I Never Knew
Copyright 2003 © by Zachary Hadley

(Verse 1)
Underneath the willow trees
Basked in the auburn moon
Haunted by the memories
Of the kiss I never knew.

(Verse 2)
Dreaming of your hazel eyes
Drenched by their brilliant hues
Aching for your tender lips
And the kiss I never knew.

(Chorus)
The kiss, the kiss I never knew
It wasn’t true love but then it grew
The kiss, the kiss I never knew
A desire turned nightmare, caused by you.

(Verse 3)
Drowning in my past regrets
Plagued by my thoughts of you
Wishing to have felt your lips
And the kiss I never knew.

(Chorus)
The kiss, the kiss I never knew
It wasn’t true love but then it grew
The kiss, the kiss I never knew
A desire turned nightmare, caused by you.

(Bridge)
And when you walked into my life
I had you lined up in my sights
I took aim and I fired twice
But you shot me down every time

(Chorus)
The kiss, the kiss I never knew
It wasn’t true love but then it grew
The kiss, the kiss I never knew
A desire turned nightmare, caused by you.
 
The Kiss I Never Knew (revised)
Copyright 2003 © by Zachary Hadley

(Verse 1)
Underneath the willow trees
Basked in the auburn moon
Haunted by the memories
Of the kiss I never knew.

(Verse 2)
Dreaming of your hazel eyes
Charmed by their brilliant hues
Aching for your tender lips
And the kiss I never knew.

(Chorus)
The kiss, the kiss I never knew
Is it possible dreams come true?
The kiss, the kiss I never knew
A desire on fire, lit by you.

(Verse 3)
Drowning in my past regrets
Consumed by these thoughts of you
Wishing to still feel your lips
And the kiss I never knew.

(Chorus)
The kiss, the kiss I never knew
Is it possible dreams come true?
The kiss, the kiss I never knew
A desire on fire, lit by you.

(Bridge)
I asked for a kiss as you turned to leave
The room grew silent and I started to sink
Seeing my frustration you gave me a wink
And said, “who knows, maybe we’ll see next week.”

(Chorus)
The kiss, the kiss I never knew
Is it possible dreams come true?
The kiss, the kiss I never knew
A desire on fire, lit by you.
 
I like the second one better man...

The first is sort of a downer...
The second as great potential....

the sink - wink part is weak though.....
That is where I would think about working the verse a bit more....the rest is very cool indeed...
Joe
 
The second one is much better. It has a lot of warmth and begs for music; the first one is cold in comparison.
 
thank you for taking the time to reply:) I really appreciate it and I agree that the sink/wink is laziness, I'll keep working on it until its as good as it can be. Thanks again!
 
The bridge is the weak link (pardon the inadvertent rhyme). I like the idea of showing an actual confrontation but the lyrics need work. I also wonder about the context of the confrontation. By saying the kiss you never knew, you seem to imply that its a girl you wanted but lost and couldn't have. The bridge seems like something is ongoing. Which is it?
 
Initially I just wanted to tell the story of a guy who dreams of a girl and the kiss from her he never received from her. Trying to hint at that he might just receive it eventually was my second idea of carrying the story along...I'm running into problems with that now and I've thown out the entire bridge, parts of the chorus and verses... Right now I've got a skeleton of lyrics and I'm reworking my entire idea...Ill post it when its finished and needs polishing. Whether you believe it or not, I appreciate the critisism because you shed light on the weakness I didnt see. Thank you
 
A tough and difficult decision to make, but the right one. You will now produce a much better lyric. The idea is a sound one worth persuing.

I have also struggled with a song for a month or so. Had a bout 5 long verses of rambling lyrics, some of which were embarassing, little of which i was happy with. I feft the song for a couple of weeks and came back to it fresh . Yesterday I threw out all but a few lines and totaly re-wrote it, but keeping the original idea for a chorus/hook and the story theme. Now I'm happy with 90% of it and it just needs a couple of tweaks. The time I spent originaly on those 5 verses was not wasted, it was an essential part of the process on the way to producing what I consider to be a reasonable lyric.

Next, the recording process... and who knows how much work THAT will take!
 
Just a suggesting... you could use the chorus in the first edition for Chorus 1 & 2, then use the chorus in the second edition for the 3rd Chorus.

That might give a better flow with the Bridge..

Porter
 
Here's a new revision. Thoughts, criticisms?

The Kiss I Never Knew
Copyright 2003 © by Zachary Hadley

Underneath the willow trees
Basked in the Cajun moon
There lived a girl whose crimson lips
and kiss I never knew.

Haunted by her hazel eyes
and locks of midnight hues
I longed to feel her gentle touch
and kiss I never knew.

The kiss, the kiss, the kiss I never knew
It wasn’t true love but then it grew
The kiss, the kiss, the kiss I never knew
It was a desire on fire, lit by you.

A closet full of heartbreaks
Left over from my youth
Holds the memories of my love
and kiss I never knew.

In my dreams I see her smile
as I try to reach up to
The comforting warmth of her arms
and kiss I never knew.

The kiss, the kiss, the kiss I never knew
Why can’t I force my dreams to come true?
The kiss, the kiss, the kiss I never knew
It was a desire on fire, lit by you.

The kiss, the kiss, the kiss I never knew
Why can’t I force my dreams to come true?
The kiss, the kiss, the kiss I never knew
It was a desire on fire, lit by you.
 
I'd drop the 'It was' off the last line of the chorus, like you had it before - sounds awkward. I'm also not crazy about ending a line with the phrase 'reach up to'. Its a song so you can get away with it but I'd search for something better. However, I like the idea of still dreaming about her at the end. I'll put my money where my mouth is:

All those years I tried and tried
but I would never do
and so I'm left to dream at night
of the kiss I never knew

Just a thought. No hard feelings if you think it sucks.
 
I think version 3 is the best of the bunch so far. I start to get disinterested in the lyrics after the first chorus. They just don't seem to take me anywhere. Just as a suggestion, maybe you can brainstorm on some alterative story plots. Something that twists a little and has a payoff at the end of the song. For example, maybe the fact that there was that "kiss I never knew" in the first verses could lead to something even better in the last half of the song and you could twist it in such a way that you were grateful for "the kiss I never knew" and still use the same hook with a slightly different meaning.

I think you have a nice start here. These are just quick ramblings off the top of my head. YMMV :D

BTW...I just heard as song on the way home last night that IMHO is one of the best written songs I've heard in awhile. This is sung by Randy Travis. (Whether you like Country Music or not, this is still a good study in songwriting IMHO) Note the twist and awesome payoff at the end. I wasn't expecting wher it went & that's what makes it so good IMHO. And also note how superbly every verse advances the story. This is just exceptional writing in my book:

Three Wooden Crosses: Randy Travis.
Written by Doug Johnson and Kim Williams.
(© Mike Curb Music / Sweet Radical Music.)
From "Rise And Shine", © 2002, Warner.

A farmer and a teacher, a hooker and a preacher,
Ridin' on a midnight bus bound for Mexico.
One's headed for vacation, one for higher education,
An' two of them were searchin' for lost souls.
That driver never ever saw the stop sign.
An' eighteen wheelers can't stop on a dime.

There are three wooden crosses on the right side of the highway,
Why there's not four of them, Heaven only knows.
I guess it's not what you take when you leave this world behind you,
It's what you leave behind you when you go.

That farmer left a harvest, a home and eighty acres,
The faith an' love for growin' things in his young son's heart.
An' that teacher left her wisdom in the minds of lots of children:
Did her best to give 'em all a better start.
An' that preacher whispered: "Can't you see the Promised Land?"
As he laid his blood-stained bible in that hooker's hand.

There are three wooden crosses on the right side of the highway,
Why there's not four of them, Heaven only knows.
I guess it's not what you take when you leave this world behind you,
It's what you leave behind you when you go.

That's the story that our preacher told last Sunday.
As he held that blood-stained bible up,
For all of us to see.
He said: "Bless the farmer, and the teacher, an' the preacher;
"Who gave this Bible to my mamma,
"Who read it to me."

There are three wooden crosses on the right side of the highway,
Why there's not four of them, now I guess we know.
It's not what you take when you leave this world behind you,
It's what you leave behind you when you go.

There are three wooden crosses on the right side of the highway.

P.S. These are still skills I am working on too ;) :D
 
Yep you're right about the Randy Travis song, keeps your interest and has a surprising end to the story, you can't get much better than that.

Whilst its a little unfair to compare The Kiss I never Knew doesn't really go anywhere. What it needs is something at the end that twists the story or adds an unexpected piece of information.

Maybe he never knew her kiss because he got so angry at his advances being spurned that he killed her - her body now lies Underneath the willow trees
Basked in the auburn moon...
For example.

Or he never knew her kiss, because...she was his mother!

Or he didn't know her kiss because she turned out to be a ladyboy!

Just something that makes the story more than 'there was this girl I liked, but I never kissed her, er...that's it.'
 
I wouldn't get all hung up on making the song go somewhere. These are song lyrics, not a novel! Story songs are great, but sometimes variations on a theme are great and sometimes nonsense is great (goo goo g'joob!). What you have here is fine, though length would be a concern when writing a song like this, before boredem sets in. Also note how you can't really judge song lyrics without a song. The Travis song reads very awkwardly on paper, but I bet when you listen to the song, it sounds very natural.
 
Well this is a thread in which we give critical views on lyrics.

If someone posted
'They are the egg men, I am the egg man, etc'
and said 'please can you critique this' it would probably get slammed.

But John Lennon wouldn't post it here and ask for a citique, he didn't have to!

Generaly, the people who post lyrics here are genuinely trying to write a 'good' lyric with a story and/or a meaning. They post in order to get opinions on how well they're doing or gain some assistance. The very fact that they bother to post a lyric suggests they feel lyrics are of themselves important in isolation from the music.

Of course someone could post a 'nonsense' lyric which looks crap but it might have a great 'feel' to it once you hear it with the music - but there wouldn't be too much point in posting it.

Having said that, I do agree that people can agonise over lyrics too much. After all, on the average rock/pop song you can't tell what they're saying a lot of the time!! (I'm beginning to sound like my dad!)
 
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