I Turned To This - some words that need rewording.

[rayc]

Hello folks,
I've jotted down a few stanzas this arvo & will tweak them mercilessly. I've had some particular trouble with the tag lines in bold. I had originally used something sappy like "I'll hold my head up - some day." I thought better of that but have a little trouble with that bit in particular.
There's another emboldened bit that needs work. I'll come back to the lines & rework them but I seek a little direction.
I've broken the lines down into phrases to emphasis the metre.

I Turned To This

When I remember you -
There is nothing I can do -
I crawl within my shell,
I seek the night.
Try to move beyond the past –
I recall what happened last –
My resolve evaporates
and I can’t fight

For despite my longing gaze
You locked my heart within a maze
You turned your face,
became the crowd,
once you were certain
I’d been cowered (prn. cow'd)
The power that you wielded -
like a vice

There’s no need that you be named –
it’s enough that I was shamed
When you turned your back on me -
I slowly died
As I couldn’t see a way –
to go up to you an say
The things I’d thought
and lived with for so long
So instead I turned to this -
as a substitute for bliss
Every rhyme –
every time –
each little way -
all just to say
The power that you wielded -
had a price

Hallowed was your name -
but to you is was a game
I see that now -
see inside -
see the truth once tears had dried
When I look back at it all,
the mask you wore,
you wore so proud
You’re still the face in the crowd –
but your mocking isn’t loud

When I remembered you -
there was naught that I could do
I’d crawl within my shell -
my soul took fright.
When I moved beyond the past –
I recalled what happened last
Now those memories inform me with hind sight
You took up almost half my life -
oh so cruelly managed strife
But you taught me with that pain -
I need not go there yet again
The power that you wielded –
that you wielded,
That power has exacted
its full price

 

[gecko zzed]

Because you said you will "tweak them mercilessly", I won't look too hard at bulk of the lyrics, and concentrate on the bold bits.

Having just said that, I will say that I'm not keen on "once you were certain I'd been cowered." I'd be thinking of alternative pairs to crowd/cowered. The impression that I think you want to give is, I think, that you'd been 'beaten into submission'. If I have interpreted this corectly, I would be looking for something stronger than 'cowered', something a bit more direct.

This idea of generating strength is also my thinking behind "the power that you wielded - like a vice". I like "like a vice". which is sharp and gripping (just like a vice!), but 'wielded' has a softer sound about it. I'm finding it hard to come up with synonyms for 'wielded' that would work better.

Part of the difficulty I have here is not being able to sort out a rhythm in my head for this. If I could figure this out, I could maybe come up with alternatives. I kind of like the idea of a trap being sprung, snapping shut hard on your heart, like a vice. Maybe that's an alternative to work with somehow.

I'm not too worried about "when I look back at it all, the mask you wore, you wore so proud" as a line in itself. However, when I read it with its following line, I get the impression of the words being chosen to make a rhyme work.

I really like: "Every rhyme – every time – each little way - all just to say", but I'm not sure about "bliss".

I haven't been much help here, I'm afraid. But I will dwell on it a while and see if anything pops up.

 

[nzausrec]

Hey,

Just on a quick skim, to make more quick flowing can remove some personal pronouns:

When I remember you -
There is nothing I can do -
I crawl within my shell,
I seek the night.
Try to move beyond the past –
I recall what happened last –
My resolve evaporates
and I can’t fight

When I remember you -
There is nothing I can do -
I crawl within my shell,
and seek the night.
Try to move beyond the past –
recall what happened last –
resolve evaporates
and I can’t fight

Just a suggestion. Personally, I like to write without too many pronouns. Put the first and in there to match the second, also.

 

[rayc]

Thanks fellows.
Points taken - I tried excising some pronouns but some of the ownership of things was condused. I do tlike the idea however - does remind me of the character in Norman's Conquest on the BBC.
I've done some work on it. the rhythm & scan isn't all that obvious but I used an old song as a template (Ian Hunter's Irene Wilde) & it fits that very well.
It's turned away from the original theme a little - from scorned love to victim of bullying. The ideas hold true - weilding power, hurting those who look up to you, spurning friends to impress peers, damage done to the bully & the victim, getting beyond the pain & understanding the problems of the perpetrator etc etc.

I Turned To This

When I remember you -
There is nothing I can do -
I crawl within my shell,
& seek the night.
Try to move beyond the past –
Can't forget what happened last –
My resolve evaporates
And I can’t fight

For despite my longing gaze
You locked my heart within a maze
You turned your face,
Became the crowd,
Once you were certain
I’d been cowered (prn. cow'd)
But the power you wielded -
Asked a price.

There’s no need that you be named –
It’s enough that I was shamed
When you turned your back on me -
I slowly died
As I could not see a way –
To go up to you and say
The things I’d thought
And lived with for so long
So instead I turned to this -
Between rage & cowardice
Every rhyme –
Every time –
Each little way -
All just to say
The power that you wielded -
Had a price

So hallowed was your name -
But to you is was a game
I see that now -
See inside -
See the truth
Once tears had dried
When I look back at it all,
The mask you wore,
You wore so proud
You’re still that face in the crowd –
Standing back now,
Not as loud

When I remembered you -
There was naught that I could do
I’d crawl within my shell -
My soul took fright.
When I moved beyond the past –
I recalled what happened last
Now those memories inform me with hind sight
You took up almost half my life -
Words cut cruelly like a knife
But you taught me with that pain -
I need not go there yet again
The power that you wielded –
That you wielded,
Power will exact from you
its full price

 

[jdblessing1970]

I think the word you were looking for instead of "cowered" is actually "cowed" which both ryhmes with "crowd" much better and has the full meaning of being intimidated.
I'll play with the bolded lines a bit myself to see if I can come up with anything worthy of suggesting.

 

[jdblessing1970]

Sigh, after an entire 5 minutes of fiddling with the lyrics here's what I've got on this... (see bolded for changes.) Take any and all suggestions with a grain of salt, and a dash of pepper for flavor.

I Turned To This

When I remember you -
There is nothing I can do -
I crawl within my shell,
and seek the night.
Try to move beyond the past –
Can't forget what happened last –
My resolve evaporates
And I can’t fight

For despite my longing gaze
You locked my heart within a maze
You turned your face,
Became the crowd,
Once you were certain
I’d been cowed
But the power you wielded -
Was not true

There’s no need that you be named –
It’s enough that I was shamed
When you turned your back on me -
I slowly died
As I could not see a way –
To go up to you and say
The things I’d thought
And lived with for so long
So instead I turned to this -
Between rage & cowardice
Every rhyme –
Every time –
Each little way -
All just to say
The power that you wielded -
I GAVE YOU

So hallowed was your name -
But to you is was a game
I see that now -
See inside -
See the truth
Once tears had dried
When I look back at it all,
The mask you wore,
You wore so proud
You’re still that face in the crowd –
But now your voice is
Not as loud

When I remembered you -
There was naught that I could do
I’d crawl within my shell -
My soul took fright.
When I moved beyond the past –
I recalled what happened last
Now those memories inform me with hind sight
You stole half my life from me
Replacing it with cruelty
But you taught me with that pain -
I need not go there yet again
The power that you wielded –
That you wielded-
The power that you wielded
Now wields you

 

[Ani]

I really like this line...

I see that now -
see inside -
see the truth once tears had dried

I think the word you were looking for instead of "cowered" is actually "cowed" which both ryhmes with "crowd" much better and has the full meaning of being intimidated.
I'll play with the bolded lines a bit myself to see if I can come up with anything worthy of suggesting.

I agree with this assessment; cowed is a much more appropriate word used in it's true context.

I find the last line of the following quote to be conflicting with the rest of the verse. You are jumping from the visual sense directly to the audible sense without anything in between. "Loud" as in "Seeing"?

If you want to keep some of the sentiment relative to how the person's voice is no longer haunting you; you might rephrase it to something like:

Hallowed was your name -
but to you it was a game
I see that now -
see inside -
see the truth once tears had dried
When I look back at it all,
the mask you wore,
you wore so proud
You’re still a face in the crowd –
but your mocking is disavowed

disavowed, which means refuse to acknowledge; disclaim knowledge of; responsibility for, or association with It lends to the sentiment you have going as well.

I've not really analyzed the whole lyric yet, but sound/sight just sort of JUMPED out at me as being a conflict.

 

[Ani]

rayc,

Can you identify which lines are verse, where your bridge begins, and where your chorus begins and ends? This will help some determine some type of a rhythm and pattern in the flow.

As it stands, without being certain where the rhythm switches up, it's hard to stay with the flow of the lyric you have written. It appears that you start out with a dead set blank verse rhyme, and then it breaks out into more of a free verse rhyme for just a bit, only to return to somewhat of a blank verse rhyme.

With an absolute outline as to what's what, it helps the person on the other end determine when to break out of one mode of rhythm/rhyme-pattern and into another.

Thanks

 

[gecko zzed]

I see lots of suggestions here, and I think nzausroc has latched on a way of adding fluidity to the whole thing.

However, I still not convinced by 'wielded', nor 'cowered' or 'cowed'.

While I am on a binge of dislikes, nor am I keen on the following:

'cruelly' . . . I'd prefer the more commonplace 'deeply'. It's more commonplace probably because it's a more incisive word in sound and pronunciation.

'disavowed' . . . I'm not convinced it's the best word in that particular context, and has a touch of the Jane Austens about it.

'replacing it with cruelty' . . . I'm sure there is something better.

'between rage and cowardice' . . . I'd prefer 'rage and reluctance'.

It's all very well being critical, but to be constructive I need to offer possibilities, and I haven't done much of that. At least the others have.


What about going Greek . . .

"You're still a face in the crowd,
But your Gorgon stare is bowed"

or "Your Medusa's stare is bowed" or "clouded"

Also . . .

Instead of 'power that you wielded', maybe a simpler:
'power that you held'. Again, 'held' is more mundane, but it has the advantage of having just one syllable.

 

[jdblessing1970]

I see lots of suggestions here, and I think nzausroc has latched on a way of adding fluidity to the whole thing.

However, I still not convinced by 'wielded', nor 'cowered' or 'cowed'.

While I am on a binge of dislikes, nor am I keen on the following:

'cruelly' . . . I'd prefer the more commonplace 'deeply'. It's more commonplace probably because it's a more incisive word in sound and pronunciation.

'disavowed' . . . I'm not convinced it's the best word in that particular context, and has a touch of the Jane Austens about it.

'replacing it with cruelty' . . . I'm sure there is something better.

OUCH! (Hey, as I said, it's just something I came up with within minutes. Even if it's not perfect, maybe it'll spark something in someone else to come up with the genius line.

'between rage and cowardice' . . . I'd prefer 'rage and reluctance'.

Granted "cowardice" isn't quite right, I couldn't come up with anything that ended with something that rhymed with "this" as per the previous line. Maybe that couplet could be reworded.

It's all very well being critical, but to be constructive I need to offer possibilities, and I haven't done much of that. At least the others have.


What about going Greek . . .

"You're still a face in the crowd,
But your Gorgon stare is bowed"

or "Your Medusa's stare is bowed" or "clouded"

"Gogron stare" or "Medusa's stare" = Good. However, I have trouble with "...stare is bowed." It's not a common phrase, nor after hearing it do I quickly come up with a meaning, picture, concept of what it means. While "clouded" has the disadvantage of the extra syllable "ed" at the end, it may be the better choice.

Instead of 'power that you wielded', maybe a simpler:
'power that you held'. Again, 'held' is more mundane, but it has the advantage of having just one syllable.

I kinda like wielded. To wield a sword is to hold it in such a manner as to be able to use it effectively. you can hold a sword with the blade inbetween your finger tips, but to wield it you have to grasp firmly it by the handle.
To be honest, since I'm at work, I don't have the luxury of listening to the music, so maybe what I think may work won't fit.

Gecko, did you have any opinion of my re-write of the "had a price" lines? You didn't mention those at all. Good? Bad? Ugly?

 

[gecko zzed]

"had a price" doesn't worry me.

"wielded" is the right word . . . but I just don't like the sound of it. It's got soft consonants in it, "w", "l", "d", and I would be searching for a more "cutting" sounding word.

rayc has really posed some challenges here, because I am really struggling to come up with alternatives that preserve the sense in meaning and sound.

Were this to be my set of lyrics I would be thinking that I had lyric-ed myself into a corner, and I would be considering changing my approach to it, and coming at it from a different direction.

However, I haven't heard the music for it, and maybe in context everything will be fine

 

[ido1957]

Ray,
I haven't anything in the way of suggestions... As always I admire your writing as having something that really makes it memorable. I'm sure this will be another great song and I look forward to hearing it once you've got everything recorded.
Gerry

 

[rayc]

jd,
yeah - I had cow'd as the pron - it's a contraction of cowered.
I like the I gave you change - it does explain the power in relationships as a duality.
The use of cruelty is good but I'm striving, for a change, to resist false rhymes.
You turning of the tag to the power being in power is a clever phillup but it goes a step beyond the consequence I saw as the logical conclusion.
Thanks for the thoughts & some excellent ideas.

 

[rayc]

Ani,
I'm glad you liked that little sequence - ta!
Disavowed was on my short list but it seems to jar as less authentic even that cowed: it's correct, it fits but come off a bit like a line from Queen II.
I comprehend that the juggling of visual & aiditory imagery is a little clumsy. I'll keep at it.
I'll be sneaky & post the song I used as the template - check back in a day!
thanks for the tgoughts & incisive dissection.

 

[rayc]

gecko zzed,
My Taswegian Friend,
I stuck (silly me) with cruelly rather than deeply as I've now used this lyric as a poem in a Personal Development lesson about bullying for kids. It was a word to reinforce the fact that bullying is a form of cruelty.
The use of mythological metaphore is tempting but to use it I'll have to wrinkle in some sort of foreshadowing - a sudden endaxi may be a shock otherwise.
I understand you reasoning behind "held" as opposed to weilded but I did want to deliniate between having power & therefor the potential to cause harm but having the knowledge to use restraint and the actual use of the power to do harm. weilded still isn't good enough I know - I'll keep looking.
I could try
So instead I took a stance -
Between rage & reluctance... or something similar if I can create a true rhym - I'll give it a go.
Thanks for the ongoing prodding to improve - I'll keep at it.
I'll probably take your advice - put it aside and come at it from a differing perspective later on.

 

[rayc]

Ido,
I'm trying to get closer to your work - some emotional honesty - I remain, however, somewhat stilted still!

 

[gecko zzed]

a sudden endaxi may be a shock otherwise.

"endaxi"? I looked for a definition . . . couldn't find one. It's not in my big fat dictionary.

I was rereading your original words, and your subsequent revision.

Various suggestions have been made . . . and I can't see anything (including mine) that are substantially better than what you have already.

Maybe when you get this set to music, it might all slot in just right!

 

[rayc]

THE TEMPLATE
http://www.soundclick.com/util/getplayer.m3u?id=7565882&q=lo

http://www.soundclick.com/util/getplayer.m3u?id=7565882&q=hi

The above are links to the original song I used as a template - Ian Hunter's Irene Wilde from the All American Alien Boy album.
I've always loved the slightly wayward metre and casual approach to structure on this one hence my use of it as a template for another set of lyrics.

gecko zzed,
Endaxi - my spelling of a Greek word - there was a TV prog in Sydney & Melbourne in the 70's "Let's Go Greek - Endaxi!" - a Greek lifestyle & music variety thing. I've assumed that it means something like the Eng part of the title. I'll leave the lyric as is for a while - fresh ideas may come later.
Thanks for the suggestions - each one was written into a version for contemplation before I responded.

 

[dabbler]

I Turned To This

When I remember you -
There is nothing I can do -
I crawl within my shell, I crawl within my shell
I seek the night. to escape that recalled hell
Try to move beyond the past –
I recall what happened last –
My resolve evaporates
and I can’t fight

For despite my longing gaze
You locked my heart within a maze
You turned your face,
became the crowd,
once you were certain
I’d been cowered (prn. cow'd) I'd been cut down
The power that you wielded - the power that you wielded
like a vice kept my independence shielded

There’s no need that you be named –
it’s enough that I was shamed
When you turned your back on me -
I slowly died
As I couldn’t see a way –
to go up to you an say
The things I’d thought
and lived with for so long
So instead I turned to this -
as a substitute for bliss
Every rhyme –
every time –
each little way -
all just to say
The power that you wielded - The power that you wielded
had a price has a price you'll pay someday

Hallowed was your name -
but to you is was a game
I see that now -
see inside -
see the truth once tears had dried
When I look back at it all,
the mask you wore,
you wore so proud
You’re still the face in the crowd –
but your mocking isn’t loud

When I remembered you -
there was naught that I could do
I’d crawl within my shell -
my soul took fright.
When I moved beyond the past –
I recalled what happened last
Now those memories inform me with hind sight
You took up almost half my life -
oh so cruelly managed strife
But you taught me with that pain -
I need not go there yet again
The power that you wielded –
that you wielded,
That power has exacted has only made me stronger
its full price you'll wield it here no longer




How does this work. Sounds like I married her sister. I can relate.

 

[jdblessing1970]

jd,
yeah - I had cow'd as the pron - it's a contraction of cowered.
I like the I gave you change - it does explain the power in relationships as a duality.
The use of cruelty is good but I'm striving, for a change, to resist false rhymes.
You turning of the tag to the power being in power is a clever phillup but it goes a step beyond the consequence I saw as the logical conclusion.
Thanks for the thoughts & some excellent ideas.

Glad to give suggestions. one last thing about the word "cowered"... it's the same type of verb as "sneeze", It's something YOU do, not anything anyone does to you. You wouldn't say "You crouched me." Same dif. "Cower" is something you do when you've been "cowed." Granted it's your lyrics, and when sung, it'll sound like "cowed", but when folks read the written lyrics it may read a bit awkward.

Having been a subject of MANY bullies as a child, I do relate to this song. The "power I gave you" line was to reflect what I've learned since...people only have as much power over us as we choose to give them. I thought it might be a good lesson to throw in the song. But once again, not my song, not my lyrics, so not my choice. I wish you the best with it!