Here are the participants for March

[mikeh]

I want to thank everyone for taking the time and thought to read and critique my lyrics. I am humbled by your kind assessment, in particular since you all did such really good work and I knew going into this that my lyrics were less than ideal. None the less, I actually enjoyed this challange and have much respect for lyrics everyone offered.

I learned a valuable lesson - never compromise the integrity of the song, you never know how good the competition may be.

up-fiddler, really pointed out the precise weakness in my lyrics - the end result was more about using all the acceptable words (and none of the forbidden words), rather than crafting a well worded song. While I think I told a decent story and made a decent effort to creatively work with the acceptable/unacceptable words, many of the phrases are rather forced - and certainly are not lines I would normally consider acceptable (per my "standard" of writing).

All of you pointed out specific weaknesses and I feel each one of those weaknesses are correctly identified. I found myself questioning the same lines each of you questioned. As I've previously indicated, once I saw how well thought out the other entries were, I regreted that I did not submit something of more subtance.

It seems that most people liked the general story line and I agree with Younce N Mild that this could be a decent song after a re-write to replace some of the force lines. Since I already have devloped this character and have what could be an interesting story line, I hope to refine this (in part with the thoughtful comments you all have offered) - this will be a good project when I don't have multiple other songs in mid production.

This has been one of the most interesting and enjoyable threads I've been involved with on this site (and I've been a member for a realtively long time. Thanks up-fiddler!!!

 

[jdblessing1970]

Re-write of 3rd verse of Corn Silk

I rewrote the third verse, not going so far into the future that he's dead and buried...and also got rid of the "bought in any store" line.


Years later you could find him on a farm of 50 acres
Living in the old homestead he and his wife restored
He’ll teach all his children that they can make a difference
And that once they find their dream, it’s worth fighting for.



I'm not sure the last line works just yet, but at least he's alive.

 

[up-fiddler]

I rewrote the third verse, not going so far into the future that he's dead and buried...and also got rid of the "bought in any store" line.


Years later you could find him on a farm of 50 acres
Living in the old homestead he and his wife restored
He’ll teach all his children that they can make a difference
And that once they find their dream, it’s worth fighting for.



I'm not sure the last line works just yet, but at least he's alive.

(You must spread some reputation....etc)

Looks better. Are you still ending with the chorus? I love that chorus you know. I posted a second song from the February Challenge on another thread. I have been VERY busy. I have 12 songs on the new album completed and mastered. Most of them dressed up allright. I am recording two more and that's it. I have trashed/shelved five others for another day. Anyway.....nice job on a great tune.

 

[Whatmysay]

Did a bit of a rewrite, lost a verse – will keep ‘Facebook face’ for another song – but as observed by some 2nd vs just not needed. Reworked Middle 8 (Bridge) and cutto the chase of what I was trying to say

Thank you all for your feedback.

Moment in Memphis

1
The photographs of strangers I just meet
Define a path on a journey without my friend
It was always maybe
Next destination was where we would meet

Ch
Like the moment in Memphis
The year in London
The week in Paris
Three nights in Hong Kong
These ruby shoes left Kansas far behind
I always thought you’d be here by my side

2
This empty bus, on a crowded street full up with rain
So tropical, the neon lights window stain
It’s so beautiful I speak
I look around for you but the bus is just empty
(Like the . . .)

Ch

Middle 8
Only God and the Devil know, just what I went through
So when the tides pull home, back to there to you
We’ll smile and kiss
And talk about ‘what ifs’

Ch
There was the moment in Memphis
The year in London
The weekend in Paris
Three nights in Hong Kong
The summer in New York
The winter in Dublin
A month in Sydney
On the wall in Berlin

(r)

Over Outro

There’s no place like home
When you know where home is

 

[jdblessing1970]

(You must spread some reputation....etc)

Looks better. Are you still ending with the chorus? I love that chorus you know. I posted a second song from the February Challenge on another thread. I have been VERY busy. I have 12 songs on the new album completed and mastered. Most of them dressed up allright. I am recording two more and that's it. I have trashed/shelved five others for another day. Anyway.....nice job on a great tune.

Thanks. I will end on the chorus...take out the 4th verse/tag. Also, I'm re-writing the "Dreaming of a future tall as a Kansas cornstalk" to read "Dreaming of a future wide as a Kansas cornfield." I think that makes more sense...a wide open future, as wide as he can make it as opposed to an 8ft cornstalk.

What thread is that other song on?

 

[up-fiddler]

What thread is that other song on?

Thread titled "I told you I was busy". I have decided to finish up an album started last year. I have been locked up for 7 days now in the studio. My shortest day was 14 hours and the longest was 17. I am one song away from having the album done. I will be glad to have that ape off my back and get back to life as usual. (And eat and sleep......) I am starting to wear down. The Challenge compilations and critiques were a nice stress reliever and a break for my bleeding ears.