Here are the participants for March

[up-fiddler]

OK The time for honest and constructive critiques has arrived. Each participant is asked to evaluate/make recomendations for every other participant's song.

Mikeh Entry
The Devil Has Taken Him

Verse 1
He's been around the block more than once
Some call him a character, some call him a fool
He sleeps at the bus station, a sad situation
For someone who studied in Ivy League schools

Verse 2
Why would a man fall so far and so quick
A position at Xerox gave him power and wealth
In less than a year, he looks morally bankrupt
Those martini lunches were zilch for his health

Chorus
Life holds little interest for this notable joker
Without sense of value. without sense of shame
The Devil has taken him, under his wing
The due will be tenfold, for playing this game

Bridge
Maybe he thinks he can manage this foible
And restore his dignity, reclaim his life
But God has forsaken him and turned a deaf ear
Hey, why should he worry, he's opted for strife

Chorus
Life holds little interest for this notable joker
Without sense of value, witout sense of shame
The Devil has taken him, under his wing
The due will be tenfold, for playing this game

Tag
The Devil has taken him, under his wing
The due will be tenfold, for playing this game

Rat Lizard’s Entry
The Gods Hate Kansas
by Rat Lizards

Verse 1:
========
Nine new comets light up the night
Nine new craters on one crash site
The rain of pain falls mainly on the plain
On each ear of corn and each shock of grain
The men upstairs blaze a fiery trail
And the Devil is in the wheat-tails

Chorus:
=======
Why? Maybe 'cause
The gods hate Kansas, the gods hate Kansas
The farmers flee in their flannel pajamas
Hey! The gods hate Kansas
Look to the sky

Verse 2:
========
Nine scientists investigate
One with a skull full of metal plate
Eight will serve as zombie slaves
One is immune to the zombie waves
He's the only man left for miles around
And a crimson plague's wiping out the town

Chorus:
=======
Why? Maybe 'cause
The gods hate Kansas, the gods hate Kansas
The farmers flee in their flannel pajamas
Hey! The gods hate Kansas
Look to the sky

Zombie bridge:
==============
We sacrifice
Mankind tonight
Restore the gods
To flight

Chorus:
=======
Why us? Maybe 'cause
The gods hate Kansas, the gods hate Kansas
The farmers flee in their flannel pajamas
Hey! The gods hate Kansas
Look to the sky

Whatmysay’s Entry
Moment in Memphis

1
The photographs of strangers I just meet
Define a path on a journey without a friend
Too quick was our goodbye
The situation felt unclear now I know why

2
A Facebook face your Xerox of reality
Cannot replace or restore the memory
It was always maybe
Next destination was where we would meet

Ch
Like the moment in Memphis
The year in London
The week in Paris
Three nights in Hong Kong
These ruby shoes left Kansas far behind
I always thought you’d be here by my side

3
This empty bus, on a crowded street full up with rain
So tropical, the neon lights window stain
It’s so beautiful I speak
I look around for you but the bus is just empty
(Like the . . .)

Ch

Mid8
Keep your ear to the road, ‘cause it’ll be notable
When the tides pull home, this joker so prodigal
Only God and the Devil know, just what I’ve been through
They watch with interest as I go, upstairs to you
And say, Hey where do we go from here?


Ch
There was the moment in Memphis
The year in London
The weekend in Paris
Three nights in Hong Kong
The summer in New York
The winter in Dublin
A month in Sydney
On the wall in Berlin

(r)

Over Outro

There’s no place like home
When you know where home is

Yonce N Mild’s Entry
It's called Wanting Disease
Verse 1

The devil has our ear this time around
He still might pull us down
crippled and deafened by the sound
we wear a jokers crown

Chorus

This situation left us shaken
gripped by this notable disease
this crooked path that we have taken
was quick to bring us to knees
we keep begging god to please

Verse 2

Now we ask our creator to restore
a broken lock on a broken door
get all we want and ask for more
these aren't the things that God is for


Chorus

This situation left us shaken
gripped by this notable disease
this crooked path that we have taken
was quick to bring us to knees
we keep begging god to please

verse 3

Too quick to look away and lie
Too slow to stop and question why
We raise our fists up to the sky
when things go wrong and people die

We have built our foundation on faith that we filch
but our hollow creation has amounted to zilch
the cornerstone of our nation has crumbled to silt
we're still stuffed to the gills and armed to the hilt

Cnix’s Entry
My song is "God Alone"

Verse 1
On a BUS to nowhere, took a LOOK at life.
Was in a SITUATION, cutting like a knife.
I was QUICK to point the blame, MAYBE that's not fair.
I didn't like what I became, GOD RESTORE from my shame.

Chorus
God Alone, can PULL from this slumber.
God Alone, fill my world with wonder.
God Alone, reigns in power and thunder.
God Alone, God Alone.
Every knee will bow to God Alone, God Alone

Verse 2
In the still of the evening, a whisper in my EAR.
Listened with great INTEREST, the message loud and clear.
Said, come and bring your burdens, come and give your all.
I will give you comfort, any time you call.

Chorus
Bridge
God is commanding, soothing not demanding.
He will hear my cry, Never question WHY

Chorus


Charlie

Up-fiddler’s Entry
The Edge
c.Dave Morehouse 2008

Look, look, look, look at what he found.
In a room for one with devils all around.
Why, why, why, why is he afraid
When comfort sits just a dream away.

And yeaaaaaaah he hears them howl.
And then he hears them scream.
But the world outside hears nothing.
While they plot their evil schemes.

Does he value all his memories?
Is he quick to press restore?
Lend an ear he’ll tell the story
He keeps locked inside a drawer.

And yeaaaaaaah he hears them howl.
And then he hears them scream.
But the world outside hears nothing.
While they plot their evil schemes.

Crawl upstairs and find the window.
Creep so slowly toward the ledge.
Try to grasp the situation.
Make yourself a solemn pledge.

And yeaaaaaaah he hears them howl.
And then he hears them scream.
But the world outside hears nothing.
While they plot their evil schemes.

jdblessing1970’s Entry
Corn Silk
©J. Blessing 2008

1
Gazing out the window of a bus traveling through Kansas
He looked back on the circumstance that brought him to this place
He didn't think that much of life before he bought that one-way ticket
Now the light of liberty is shining from his face

His parents often told him he would never amount to nothing
Somewhere deep inside his heart he knew that they were wrong
He swore to himself one day he’d improve his situation
And run off to the fields of green ‘cause that’s where he belongs
'Cause...

ch
Corn silk smells of freedom
To a boy who never knew
All that life could offer him
Underneath the skies of blue
And the ripe ears tast of Heaven,
He'll get all he’ll ever need
He’ll reap all that he has sown
And God has given him the seed

2
His daddy was the devil’s own, his momma not much better
They only saw him as a thing of use
On his sixteenth birthday he packed his only suitcase
And when he left at midnight, he cut his parents loose

He hitched a ride into town and pawned all he had of value
Bought a ticket to Topeka on the next bus out
Dreaming of a future that was tall as a Kansas cornstalk
As he left his past behind him he knew without a doubt

That…

ch
Corn silk smells of freedom
To a boy who never knew
All that life could offer him
Underneath the skies of blue
And the ripe ears taste of Heaven
He'll get all he’ll ever need
He’ll reap all that he has sown
And God has given him the seed

3
Years later he’d be buried on a farm of 50 acres
Back behind the old homestead he and his wife restored
He’d leave behind a legacy to the next few generations
And the lesson that true happiness can’t be bought in any store
When…

ch
Corn silk smells of freedom
To a boy who never knew
All that life could offer him
Underneath the skies of blue
And the ripe ears taste of Heaven
He’ll have all he’ll ever need
He’ll reap all that he has sown
When God had given him the seed

4
Gazing out the window of a bus traveling through Kansas
He looked back on the circumstance that brought him to this place
He didn't think that much of life before he bought that one-way ticket
Now the light of liberty is shining from his face

 

[mikeh]

OK - Here are my critiques on the lyrics. Before I begin, I must say, I'm very impressed with all the submittals - I found myslef thinking several times "I wish I wrote that line" - and I now am humbled that I did not make more of an effort to submit something of more substance (vs. simply trying to use all the words to be self indulgent). Given that the challenge was to write to spec (vs. waiting for the muse) - these are all very creative lyrics.

The Gods Hate Kansas
I'm glad I'm not the only one that approached this without a lot of serious consideration. Given that this appears to have a "pop reference" to a B horror movie - much of the story line is lost to someone who has not seen the movie (I've not seen it - but now I must).

"The God's hate Kansas" is a great line and "farmers flee in flannel pajamas" allows for a comical visual. The story line allows the reader to understand what has happened. Verse 1 is a good set-up and verse 2 does a good job of leading to a sense that the story (and mankind in Kansas) will go on. I can hear the Zombie bridge and while silly - it would likely make this song campy enough to be clever.

The only line that really botheres me - and which I think takes away from a good effort - is the "rain of pain......" line.

I did enjoy the camp of this enrty.

Moment In Memphis
Some very good lines. the first two lines "photographs of strangers....define a path...." are very interesting. Many of the lines allow the reader to envision the scene "crowded street full with rain" is very cool. I think the 1st chorus is the strongest part. The second chorus seems to take the theme just a little too far.

I enjoyed the images these lyrics provide

It's Called Wanting Disease
Some real good lines. I like the impact of verse 2 - however I very much like the 1st two line of verse 3 "Too quick to look away and lie, too slow to stop and question why".....I wish I wrote that!!!!

However, I think you deserve the top prize since you actually found a rhyme for zilch.....bravo

God Alone
Naturally this has the most positive message of the entries. Some of the lines seem overly forced (trying to use the assigned words) - but it does not detract from the message. This has a very strong chorus and I could almost hear the power of a choir singing this part.

The Edge
This song has a dark "edge" and I ike that the character seems to be close to whatever the edge may be (perhaps a plunge from a window - perhaps a complete withdrawel). The chorus could be really hardhitting - and this hits the chorus often enough to use it as a real strenth.

By far - my favorite lyric in this song is ""he'll tell a story he keeps locked inside a drawer"

Corn Silk
This is my favorite entry!

This is a well told story. The 1st verse gives us the set up and then verse 2 gives us a flashback to understand how he ended up on the bus...good stuff!

Verse 3 brings the story to a close and the 1st line "Years later he'd be buried...really is potent!!

I really like this story - Americana in the way of Springsteen or Mellencamp. I could really picture this boy in my head - looking out the bus window, hoping for a better life.

I think this has the best lyric of all entries "His daddy was the Devil's own, him momma not much better"....wow - I wish I wrote that! Another really good phrase "He hitched a ride into town and pawned all he had of value"

The only really negative I can suggest - this seems a little too long. I think if you could tell this story in 3 verses and 2 choruses it would be even more effective. I like that verse 4 (a 1/2 verse) brings us back to the boy on the bus - but if you could get that tag onto the end of verse 3 (and possibly trim some lines form verses 1 & 2) - you may have a better song.

The hardest part of writing is to tell the story quickly.

I applaud everyone for coming up with very credible material - I beleive writing is easy - writing to spec can be much harder....in this case everyone did much better than I would have anticipated.

up-fiddler - you deserve much credit for coming up with such a unique challenge.

 

[Rat Lizards]

The only line that really botheres me - and which I think takes away from a good effort - is the "rain of pain......" line.

You're right-- it's awful, and I cringe every time I read it. I wanted its wretched crassness to prevent anyone from ever mistaking this for a serious song. The scary part is it may be the line that most people would like the best, or at least remember. If I'm embarrassed by some dreck I've written, the chances are good that it will be everyone else's favorite thing I've ever done.

 

[cnix]

I want to tell everyone that you did a great job in this exercise. I not only like, but am very impressed with each song. Each time I read the lyrics, I pick up something new that I did not catch in the first few readings. It is amazing how we each got the same list of words, but came up with totally different song themes. I do not feel worthy to criticize any of your work, but will mention some things that I personally liked.

Mikeh - I liked your theme alot, well educated man living homeless. Love the last 2 lines of the chorus, and if you changed "this" to "his", we now have sold our soul to the devil.

Rat Lizard - My favorite part is the first verse. I know you were not sure about the pain on the plain, how bout "The rain of pain that we'll sustain"
I like the flannel pajamas.

Whatmysay - Good theme. Verse 3 is my favorite part of your song. I like the flow of your chorus.

Younce N Mild - I love verse 2, good stuff. Like your chorus.

Up-fiddler - I like the chorus alot, but my favorite part is verse 2. I think verse 2 stands out, just like Younce N Mild's verse 2 stood out.

jdblessing1970- You have a strong chorus that I really like, has good flow. My favorite verse is verse 3.

Once again, great job everyone!!

I have been in a creative slump for 2 months, have not even turned on any recording gear, but this exercise has gotten me re-energized. Big thanks to Up-fiddler for getting the ball rolling.

Charlie

 

[Yonce N Mild]

I'm going to be a little slow with the reviews this time. Buried at work. I should be able to get to it by the weekend.

 

[up-fiddler]

I'm going to be a little slow with the reviews this time. Buried at work. I should be able to get to it by the weekend.

Likewise for the up-fiddler. I want to be certain that I give them more than a once over after all the work you folks put into them. Remember, the idea is to help each other get better.

 

[Whatmysay]

I'm going to be a little slow with the reviews this time. Buried at work. I should be able to get to it by the weekend.

Snap to that - job interview Friday and 60 Yr 8 Drama reports due.

See you on the upside

Burt

 

[up-fiddler]

up-fiddler does three so far

First I would like to thank everyone for taking a stab at this one. This Challenge was more difficult and restrictive. I realize that many of the verses, phrases, and storylines are forced to fit within the confines of the Challenge but I won’t let that influence my critiques. The idea was, and is, to help each other get better at our craft. Also remember that this is an honest and forthright interpretation of what I read in your entry. If I have missed the mark, so be it. I have tried to be honest without being personal; helpful without being patronizing. So here goes for the first three. I will do the others before Sunday night. Thanks for your patience and participation.

Mikeh – The Devil Has Taken Him

The first verse, to me, is the strength of this song. It shows off your wordsmith abilities. I would change the third line by dropping the word ‘bus’ if it were mine to emphasize the alliteration. After the first verse it reads as though you started checking words off the Acceptable list and discovered the song as it was written. GIANT kudos for using both Zilch and Foible in the same tune. My feeling is that this is the only tune in the entire world that has ever done so. The chorus for me seems weaker than I expected. I just can’t get used to the phrase ‘Notable Joker’. The second and third line of the chorus are splendid. Simple, powerful, and to the point. Nice effort to an impossible task.

Rat Lizard-The Gods hate Kansas

You are right---‘the rain of pain…’ is cheesy. However, you make up for it with the next line. The phrases “ear of corn’ and ‘shock of grain’ give this a Midwest setting and feel without wasting a verse or two describing everything. ‘Wheat-tails/Details’ is a great parody/sarcasm which shows the humorous and light-hearted intent of this song. (That’s how I would translate it.) The chorus doesn’t do it for me on this one. I DO LIKE the farmers fleeing in flannel. It gives a humorous image and has a nice alliterative effect. The Zombie Bridge is completely out of place here UNLESS it is going to be sung by zombies. If it is sung by a zombie choir (I see dead awkward dancing Pips!) then this is a creative monster. (Pardon the pun but I couldn’t help it.) Clever and light-hearted effort in my view.

Whatmysay-Moment in Memphis

I expected the entries this month to be forced and contrived (Like mine.) but this is a pleasant surprise. I didn’t think it was very possible to write a meaningful relationship type of song within the parameters of this Challenge. Bravo as you have pulled it off quite well. Some of the phrasing and syllable counts are difficult for me to follow. (EX. I would probably change the last line in the first verse to “Situation unclear, Now I know why.”) and similar deletions throughout the rest of the song to make it read a bit more ‘sing/song’ but not to the point of “Mary had a little lamb…….” Verse 3 is the killer in this song. (In a good way.) I wish I had written it. It tells SO MUCH without giving anything away. It seems well crafted to me and is central to the song. The Middle 8 seems there to get your word count up from the Acceptable List and I would probably drop it or rewrite it if you are keeping the song. I read this one several times through and that is a compliment of highest order.

 

[Whatmysay]

Thanks Fiddler

Middle8 – well spotted, it is that Australian competitive spirit coming out. I think I always saw it as a way to a work that would develop beyond March, but I just had to get as many words in as possible.

I do want a Mid8 but I could bring him home – to realised he has changed or some event OS that leads to the epiphany about the girl just never coming – but I believe that would have to be another ‘girl’ as we never really jump from a relationship, (particularly if you already blame yourself for leaving) unless the alternative is very good.

If that’s the Mid8 then will the sympathy shift from the narrator? I could make her have a new relationship I supposed???

Cheers for your insightful comments and advice.

Burt

 

[up-fiddler]

I don't have a problem with them simply "jumping from the relationship". I don't feel you need to tell ALL the story. Leave the listener with doubt and they are likely to listen again and form their own ending based on their personal life and experience. That's my feeling and yours may differ greatly. I would like to hear the final version once it is recorded. Good luck.

PS I will be compiling everyone's critiques of your song when they are all in and sending them to each of you in a PM. Then you will have them all in one place and can compare them to what is in your word document.

 

[Yonce N Mild]

The Devil Has Taken Him

I really like the theme here. Not being able to handle success, hollow goals of power and wealth when achieved leaving him empty inside. So he just gives up nothing more to strive for. I especially like the chorus. I actually like the notable joker line I think it has a nice ring to it. My favorite line is " Without sense of value without sense of shame"
I do think the use of tenfold in the next line messes with the rhythm of the chorus a bit. I think something along the lines of "there is a price to be paid for playing this game" would work better if you were going to use this song outside of the context of this challenge.

The first verse is the strongest and introduces the story well, the second verse answers the question what happened to this guy. After reading the first verse I wonder what the hell happened to this guy? Then in the second verse you ask and answer that question. Even though the use of xerox and zilch seem a bit forced you do a great job of telling the story.

I think you really have something here especially if you rewrite without the constraints of the challenge the only parts where it doesn't quite hold up is where you forced some of the "acceptable" words.


The Gods Hate Kansas

This is a fun song! I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit on this. I LOVE the chorus. This would make a great punk song. The farmers flee in their flannel pajamas..... hilarious. You do a great job of capturing that campy cheesy 50s sci-fi flick feel. The devil is in the wheat-tails is very clever. The verses are a little rough if you took some time to rewrite and clean up the verses a bit this could be a really fun song to play live.

Moment in Memphis

I really relate to this song. As someone who traveled quite a bit in my youth it really hits the mark. The excitement of traveling and experiencing new things tempered by the sadness of doing it alone. Meeting people that under different circumstances could be close friends or lovers but because of the fact that your paths only cross for a moment they seem to only serve as reminder of how lonely the road can be. At the same time there is that feeling of adventure and knowing that this moment is special and will be a warm but bittersweet memory that you will cherish for the rest of your life.

The chorus is great. "These ruby shoes left Kansas far behind is a great line"
The Mid8 (I'm not sure what that is) does sound a bit forced but could work well if it was rewritten without trying to use the acceptable words. When the tides pull home is a great line.

The outro is my favorite part of the song.

"There’s no place like home
When you know where home is"

Powerful, beautiful, and true.

I'm a big fan of your music so I am excited to hear this one when it is finished.

"God Alone"

I could hear this being sung in church by an impassioned praise team.
Especially the chorus.

The first verse is a little forced and I'm not a big fan of the cutting like a kinfe line. It's a bit cliche.
The last two lines of the first verse are great though. I know me is on the do not use list but if you were to develop this further out side the challenge I would add:
took a look at MY life, as well as God restore ME from my shame.

Verse 2 is the best part of the song I wouldn't change a thing there.

Well done!

The Edge

You skills as a songwriter really shine through here. Again as with the last challenge it is clearly a song not just a poem. You use repetition so well. I need to do that more often. I like the vagueness of this song. Who does he hear? Is it a real person/people? Is it the voices in his head? He's creeping toward the ledge is it suicide? Is it the edge of sanity? Very cool imagery.

You do really well with these darker themes. I think you should explore them more often.

The only nitpick I have is in the chorus I think instead of "The world outside hears nothing" Something like But the world outside doesn't hear a thing, might fit the rhythm a little better. At least the rhythm I "feel" when I read these lyrics.


Corn Silk

Awesome chorus! I wouldn't change a thing. I do agree that it is a bit long and you repeat yourself a bit for example he buys a ticket twice. I think that the second parts of the first 2 verses could be swapped and then consolidated. Combine the parts about the bus trip/leaving home into one verse and the parts about why he is leaving. If that makes sense?

Great story and you tell it well. I think you could trim it down a bit but other than that excellent work!


Everyone

Great stuff, inspiring and entertaining. It's so cool how many different storys/themes emerged from this challenge. Even those of you who felt you didn't take it seriously enough produced some great results. If these are the kind of results you produce when you are just goofing around you obviously have some real talent as songwriters.
Writing with rules is tough but it can also force you to do things in a way that you normally wouldn't.

Thanks again to up-fiddler for coming up with and organizing such a unique and inspiring challenge.

 

[jdblessing1970]

here goes mine...

The Devil Has Taken Him

Technical (in terms of the challenge)
Bravo for getting the most words from the "must have" list while maintaining a storyline, and avoiding the "taboo" words altogether.

Artistic
Good intro in the first verse. The second verse might could use some tweaking outside of the challenge context...for example, I am not sure how a person could "look morally bankrupt" but that may just be my own limitation. You may would need to get permission to say "Xerox" were this to go to publication, and the use of the word "zilch" is somewhat awkard. I tend to think of "zilch" as "zero" and saying something was "zero for his health" doesn't quite make sense.

The chorus is good , but I'm not sure if the bridge should really be a bridge or a 3rd verse since all it seems to be bridging is two choruses.

Being new to songwriting, my concept of what a "tag" is is a bit hazy, but I think that's actually what I should have labelled the "4th verse" in my own entry.

Over all, well done, and don't sell yourself short for having written it in 45 minutes and not taking it too seriously.

The God's Hate Kansas

Technical
Enough of the must haves and none of the taboos. Great chorus

Creative
While I can recognize a loud electric guitar and screaming band song when I see it, I think the song is great even tho I don't listen to that genre. Almost makes me want to go see the movie. My main concern is that my concept of a zombie bridge is what zombies use to cross the river, and really doesn't do much for explaining what it means in terms of music writing. Also, as the rest of the song is written in third person, who is the "we" in the zombie bridge?

Overall,
Highly creative. I like turning movies, books, stories into songs...the story is there but it takes a certain creative mindset to put it into song form.

Moment in Memphis

Technical

There were two parts to the challenge, and this one seems to have forgotten the second part... the "taboo" list. Were this a contest, and I a judge, this entry would be disqualified because there are at least 5 of the taboo words in the lyrics. (I /me, like, you, what, and say.) I am quite concious of these words since I had to re-write my chorus and first verse in order to avoid some of these same words.

Creative
Outside of the terms of the challenge, this is a very good song as well, although, since Xerox is a trademark, you might have to get permission before publishing this piece. Without music, I can't wrap my mind around how the shorter 3rd line in each verse will fit; but once again, that's MY problem, not yours. The last chorus seems to break a pattern with the descending time units...year, weekend, night then jumps to summer, winter, and then month. And I'm not getting the "On the wall in Berlin" last line. "A month in Sydney on the wall in Berlin" doesn't make sense to me.

The MId8 (whatever that is) is quite interesting, and I have to applaud a near rhyme to "notable", although I'm not sure where the God and Devil think they need to be going someplace after watching you go upstairs. Once again tho, I'll willing to say that that could just be my own limitations. I tend to think literally so sometimes abstracts though me off.

Overall,
I have mixed feelings... just as a song, I think it's good, but in terms of the challenge, you missed a crucial rule being the "do not use" list.


It's called Wanting Disease

Technical
This song has enought of the good words with none of the bad.

Creative
I'm not sure how the title fits or exactly what the disease is the song refers to. Frankly, I didn't think there was a "political" song hiding in the word list, so I applaud you for find it. I hear in this another heavy-metal type song, just from the darkness of it. (Not a bad thing, just an observation.) The last line in the chorus throws me off again. "We keep begging god to please."...is that "please" as in to make us happy, to make him happy, or to please stop?

Overall,
The meter and rhymes all seem quite solid,anc congratulations on being the only entry to find a rhyme for "zilch."

God Alone

Technical
This entry too didn't quite pass muster in terms of the challenge with words such as "I" /me, what, like and you in the verses.

Creative
I agree with the other reviews that one can almost hear the choir singing this powerful and moving song. The first line in the chorus may be better as "God alone can pull ME/US from this slumber" And the first two lines of the second verse seem a little grammatically "off" to me. "In the still of the evening, a whisper in my ear / listened with great interest, the message loud and clear." I'm thinking "*I* listened with great interest" might help it flow better.

The bridge doesn't quite mesh with my view on God, as I find, in certain ways, He IS demanding (See the ten commandments. ), and isn't always soothing.

Overall though,
KUDOS on this wonderful hymn.

The Edge

Technical
This suprised me the most, seeing a taboo word in the first line of the first verse...a word that he, himself chose to be taboo, the word "what".
On a side note, I find it interesting that of all the words on the list, we all seemed to lock on to the same words, yet came up with totally different songs.

Creative

I definately wasn't expecting something so dark from him, so this caught me off guard.
Very powerful storyline, although "yeaaaaaaah" to me is more a scream than a howl. hmmm....I wonder if rather than hearing them howl and then hearing them scream, what if he hears them howl then they hear HIM scream? Might show him a bit more on the edge. And I'm not so sure what the solemn pledge is that we are urged to make in the end, but maybe it's just that up-Fiddler-ness that makes his songs unique.

Corn Silk

Technical

Wonderful, absolutely brilliant, wouldn't change a thing.

Creativity
The only down point I can say is that the shear scope of genius inherent in this masterpiece may be just too vast for the average person to grasp.

Actually, I've come to realize that the "original" tune I had in my head when writing the verses sounds an AWFUL lot like Kenny Rogers "Coward of the County" although the tune from "The Gambler" will work as well.

Granted, it's kinda lenghty, so are most of my songs. I am primarily a story songwriter and I like the longer verses in order to give me enough space to get the whole story out. To compensate somewhat, I made the third verse only one stanza and I guess that the 4th verse could be made into a tag of only 2 lines. I originally had in mind to tell the entire story of how he makes it in the end, then realized that the only important thing was to show that he DID make his dream, let the reader/listener use his/her own imagination to fill in the pieces. I'm not entirely happy with rhyming "store" with "restore" in the last verse, especially since I didn't allude to him thinking happiness could be found in a store anywhere else in the song. I just can't seem to make the meter work with something like "...that true happiness is all worth working for." I'd also be happier with the chorus saying "Corn silke smells like freedom" and, in fact, that was what it originally said, hense my email asking about word usage.

Overall,
Having written the bulk of this in a matter of an hour or two with just occasional tweaking the next few weeks, I think I did a bang-up job and am quite pleased and surprised at the results.

OVERALL

I am quite impressed with the range of genres and seriousness shown from all the entries based off of the same word list, and am looking forward to the next challenge!

 

[jdblessing1970]

Corn Silk[/B]

Awesome chorus! I wouldn't change a thing. I do agree that it is a bit long and you repeat yourself a bit for example he buys a ticket twice. I think that the second parts of the first 2 verses could be swapped and then consolidated. Combine the parts about the bus trip/leaving home into one verse and the parts about why he is leaving. If that makes sense?

Great story and you tell it well. I think you could trim it down a bit but other than that excellent work!

Thanks for the advice... I understand it's long...it's one of the longer songs I've written, but I think that's mainly because the last two verses are only one stanza, and, granted, the chorus is a bit lengthy. As for him buying the ticket twice, I didn't see it that way. I meant for the first verse to just be a reference to the ticket he bought and show that it's one-way; the second verse is explaining why and how he bought it. But I do see now that "Bought that one-way ticket" and "bought a ticket to Topeka" could use a little re-wording to keep them from sound so identical.

Anybody have any comment about my line "Dreaming of a future tall as a Kansas cornstalk"? I had trouble with that one and what you see is actually a last-minute revision. It used to be "taller than a cornstalk" but I decided that if his dream was to be a corn farmer then his dream was exactly as tall as a cornstalk. Also, I'm not real happy with "As he left his past behind him, he knew without a doubt" because it seems to clash with "That corn silk smells of freedom to a boy who never knew..." Any ideas there?

 

[Yonce N Mild]

It's called Wanting Disease

Technical
This song has enought of the good words with none of the bad.

Creative
I'm not sure how the title fits or exactly what the disease is the song refers to. Frankly, I didn't think there was a "political" song hiding in the word list, so I applaud you for find it. I hear in this another heavy-metal type song, just from the darkness of it. (Not a bad thing, just an observation.) The last line in the chorus throws me off again. "We keep begging god to please."...is that "please" as in to make us happy, to make him happy, or to please stop?

Overall,
The meter and rhymes all seem quite solid,anc congratulations on being the only entry to find a rhyme for "zilch."

The title is actually just "Wanting disease"
It's the disease of wanting or greed.
It's is definitely a metal song (that's what I do)

It is we keep begging God to please as in make us happy the to there is deliberate.

The overall theme is asking God to save us from our own bad choices asking him to make us happy even though we ignore his voice..... deafened by the sound of the devil in our ear.

I was actually happy to find a rhyme for filch not the other way around..... It's one of my favorite words.

 

[cnix]

Thanks for all the critiques guys. After looking at this song for a week and half, I just can't believe I let What, Like, and You in the song. I cut the song apart so many times, just missed them. My bad!!

Parts of my song I do like, and I believe I will give a shot at recording it, but I will use un-acceptable words. I have not liked the bridge from the start, and it is either out of here or totally redone.

Once again, thanks to Up-Fiddler for getting the ball rolling.

Charlie

PS Are you guys going to record your song?

 

[Yonce N Mild]

PS Are you guys going to record your song?

I will eventually. It will be a while though since my band finally recruited a drummer and a bassist so we are focused on getting them up to speed. We also have 3 new songs we are working on right now including my entry from the last challenge.

 

[Whatmysay]

The Devil Has Taken him

I cannot get over the bleakness your have evoked with these lyrics. Often with these sort of songs we hear the tale of ‘the fall’ but you are simply stating the here and now of the man’s life that is stark – and with out blaming ‘booze, drugs or greed’ makes it much more universal. I love both the sound and notion of ‘notable joker’. The contrast of the ‘Devil’ with the more traditional angel tenderness associated ‘taking him under his wing’ is striking and is the standout lyric of the song.

While I admire you getting foible and opted in (far better than I did) I feel the Bridge doesn’t add that much – you start with ‘maybe he can manage’ and end with ‘why should he care’ – what about going into his POV watching the buses and people –maybe God catches a bus and leaves him behind?

The Gods Hate Kansas
This is a classic – It is reminiscent of ‘She came from planet Claire’ by the B52s and I could easily hear ‘They might be Giants’ sing a version of this. Please if you record this and you want a Theremin in it let me know as I bought one last week.

I like the ‘rain of pain’ line – lets be honest you have gone for the ‘full gorgonzola’ here so the line is a lovely blue thread of bacteria working its way through the slice.

What genre do you see this in laconic acoustic, post-punk or just out and out death metal? I hope to hear it when recorded.

Wanting Disease

You paint a very lyrical (No pun intended) vision of ‘excessive consumption’ and its addictive nature – the 2nd verse really gathers this in – ‘getting it all and wanting more’ – is skilfully expressed.

I’m not sure you need the last line of the Ch it is a reiteration of V2 and I’m not sure it adds value to the song.

While I admire the rhyming in the bridge the first 2 lines do not convince me; but I feel the concluding 2 lines are the ‘killer blow’ of the song.

I think this is a great theme and I look forward to seeing this develop further.

God Alone

You are pursuing a very positive theme here, so I am concerned with the paradox of God whispering in ‘your ear’ but also being ‘commanding’ and reining in ‘power and thunder’. Both are obviously interpretations of God – but in one song the ‘eye for an eye’ Old Testament God clashes the ‘forgiving, gentle’ God of the New Testament.
I think that is a song in itself ‘Who is God?’ but for me in the same song it is inconsistent.

The second verse for me is where the song starts. I am not sure you need to set the scene of reflecting on your life. Start with God contacting you (the central character) and may be how you work through the grief to God’s grace. Or perhaps he whispers and you do not heed his call.

The Edge

I love the repetition in the first verse of look and why. Each verse is a beautiful vignette that I see as scenes in a movie. I’m thinking of a David Cronenberg film called ‘Spider’.

My problem is I cannot get a grasp on ‘who is screaming’ (and maybe you do not want me to???). Is he a psychopath torturing victims in an evil world, or are the screams his own demons tormenting him and plotting things for him??

The illusion to potential suicide in Vs 3 is clear, but I am not so sure that V2 moves the song on – he seems so isolated I doubt he would share the story locked in the draw.

Perhaps I am looking for a too literal narrative when this is more a montage linked by the CH, but as I am baffled (probably my fault not the song) by this I am finding it hard to grasp the song.

I think it is made worse for me as each verse is skilfully written and creates economically very strong visuals, but I can not quite link them into a whole. Perhaps this is your genius and the form is as disorientating as the content – Medium is the Message?

Corn Silk

This is a great narrative and a superb Ch – the first 2 lines of V2 are particularly stark and say so much without saying it. I love the future being bigger than ‘Kansas cornstalks’ as it evokes the sense of the child-like measurement by which his standards are set by.

The third verse and the direction of the story is very disappointing – I think the bought in a store line comes out of nowhere and seems really contrived. I don’t want this guy dead and buried behind a restored farm house, he deserves better than that – I want him breathing in a happy life passing on his wisdom and love to his wife and kids.

Walking through the field telling his kids that their dreams should be not just as tall, but taller than the corn stalks. I think it should be a Middle 8 (What some call a ‘bridge’ or a ‘C section’) as it could be emphasised with a musical variation and with a change of POV.

It has been a pleasure reviewing all this work and I look forward to hearing it when finished. Thank you all

Burt

 

[Whatmysay]

The last chorus seems to break a pattern with the descending time units...year, weekend, night then jumps to summer, winter, and then month. And I'm not getting the "On the wall in Berlin" last line. "A month in Sydney on the wall in Berlin" doesn't make sense to me.

Overall,
I have mixed feelings... just as a song, I think it's good, but in terms of the challenge, you missed a crucial rule being the "do not use" list.

I never considered them descending as it starts with ‘moment’ then jumps to year.

‘On the Wall in Berlin’ specifically refers to the fall of the Berlin Wall in Nov ’89 when I was in Germany, but also generally that there are small sections of the wall left to sit on, where once you would have been shot. Perhaps if you have never travelled to Berlin then I accept that this might be lost, but I can live with it.

This is in no way however connected to Sydney. Each line is a location and a period of time (Berlin line accepted) in which he fails to meet the girl.

I know I used words on the ‘not use list’ but I am so much richer for my failure.

Thanks

Burt

 

[jdblessing1970]

I never considered them descending as it starts with ‘moment’ then jumps to year.

‘On the Wall in Berlin’ specifically refers to the fall of the Berlin Wall in Nov ’89 when I was in Germany, but also generally that there are small sections of the wall left to sit on, where once you would have been shot. Perhaps if you have never travelled to Berlin then I accept that this might be lost, but I can live with it.

This is in no way however connected to Sydney. Each line is a location and a period of time (Berlin line accepted) in which he fails to meet the girl.

I know I used words on the ‘not use list’ but I am so much richer for my failure.

Thanks

Burt

If you are happy with your results, than that's perfectly fine with me. My opinion was just that, my opinion, and may mean precisely squat. I was just critiquing within all the parameters of the challenge; I guess you decided to try part of the challenge. No biggie, or skin off my nose, and I am well aware that even should I complain, it would and should mean nothing at all to you.

And no, I've never been to Berlin.

In any case, thanks for the explanation. Sometimes I try to see patterns where there are none, so it throughs me off. My own short-coming.

 

[up-fiddler]

up-fiddler's second half

The entries for this Challenge (excluding my own of course) are most impressive. After reading, rereading, and critiquing them I felt that the participants did a great job and genuinely took this as an opportunity to showcase their skills and learn from what they presented. Thanks again to all for making me smile today. I wasn't certain if anyone at all would rise to the occasion on this one. We all had the same word lists but look at the vast differences in the entries. cnix and Rat Lizard approached basically the same ideas from COMPLETELY different angles. Fantastic! (Yet I ramble incessantly......) Here are the other three crtiques from the fiddler. Again I have tried to be as honest and forthright as possible.

Yonce N Mild-Wanting Disease

I love this song. The idea of excess as a disease is true genius and a great song topic.
Verses 2 and 3 are especially good. The first verse with a slightly different rhyme scheme you might consider reworking. The chorus is outstanding. I would probably repeat “We keep begging God to please”. It is a powerful line and I am big on repetition to drive a song home to the listener. (But that’s just me.) The last four lines that appear to read as though they are meant to be a bridge or middle 8 don’t really do it for me. I would drop them unless I simply miss their meaning. Besides, I want you to end with that great chorus! “We keep begging God to please, We keep begging God to please, etc.”

Cnix-God Alone

A great redemptive and inspirational tune. Is that the genre you typically write in or was this new for you? I love the repetitive chorus. God alone emphasizes a monotheocracy and that works well with my (And many others!) belief system. The second verse would make a GREAT song start and would soften what I have to say regarding verse one. I don’t like the way the first verse reads at all. Perhaps it fits well to the melody but it seems kludgy and contrived. I would try a rewrite and if nothing came of it I would still drop the first verse. The chorus, verse 2, and the bridge are powerful enough that I would simply repeat them until the song reached 3 minutes 20 seconds. But first I would try a rewrite. I honestly think that the Challenge forced this song into a corner more than any of the others. Fitting 7 words from the acceptable list into the first verse became cumbersome. It’s like, once the monkey to perform was off your back you wrote the real song. (And the real song is a great one.) Just my humble thoughts.

Jdblessing-Corn Silk

My goodness what a great storyline. You clearly took the Challenge to heart when writing the chorus. The rest of the song fits around the chorus like a fine glove. This is a wonderful effort. Parts of the verses may not translate well into a melodic form but those are relatively easy fixes. You have the hook and the story intact. Now clean up the syllable count and make it a bit easier to read/sing without changing the meaning that is there. (EX: “He swore that one day he’d improve his situation” reads much easier than the present “He swore to himself one day he’d improve his situation” without changing the meaning. The other change I would make is to drop verse 4 which is a repetition of verse one. I am sure it is there for impact but the song is long enough without it and he did die in verse 3. Use that great chorus for impact at the ending instead.