help me finish/polish these songs are these keepers?

[lend_me_talent]

I am trying to write 10 decent songs for my album project, need help.

Imaginary Day

Verse 1
This morning I woke up empty
Like the world was a million miles away
Wish you were here with me
We could lie in bed and watch the shadows play
I’d/I’ll whisper in your ear
That the shadows move like lovers
You’d laugh that trademark laugh of yours
Then pull me under covers
Where I’d/I’ll rediscover every inch of you
And we’d waste away the morning
The way that only lovers do

Verse 2
Morning evolves into afternoon
As countless hours melt away
We’ll build a perfect moment
While you and I collapse
Into the beauty of the day
we discuss idle thoughts
Beneath this conceptualized sky
And try to find shapes in clouds that go by


Verse 3
Frenzied colors clash like rivals
daylight breathes is last breaths
And a million flickering eyes herald
Night’s arrival
Before these twinkling eyes
That lay all intuition bare
Without warning it occurs to me
That you were never there
And that as real as it may seem
Soon another day will pass
And this imaginary day
Will still be nothing but a dream

Chorus
Its such a frustrating affair
That imaginary days are all that we share
But I’ve got a mind that wanders places
That few will ever know
And a heart that feels emotions
That I may never show

©2003 Joe Ford


Too many nights for a one night stand

VERSE 1
This relationship is a vampire in daylight
It cast no reflection on the mirrors of our hearts
Because we’ve both been bled dry
We are nothing more than
A few stolen nights
and 3rd degree burns
from a lust fueled fire
You lack substance to feel me
Or to fill me with anything
But base desire

CHORUS
We are like Love on autopilot
Navigating by an outdated map
Yet we return to this place
On a nightly basis



VERSE 2
Tonight we’ll meet again
You’ll tell me about your day
I’ll regurgitate some phrase
Just to drown out the blaring silence
I’ll tell you the same jokes you’ve
Heard a thousand times
and you’ll pretend to laugh at them again
Finally we’ll resort to the only thing we have
and find brief solace in each others skin
Somewhere between the afterglow and reality
Lies the fact that all we ever had was chemistry

VERSE 3
In the morning we’ll avoid each others eyes
As our words avoid the truth
While in our minds we wonder where
Things went wrong
And just how a one night stand
Could last so long
We’ll head our separate ways
As our days begin
Speaking vows behind closed lips
As we depart
In denial of the fact that night will come again

©2003 Joe Ford

I need some help with the choruses particularly song 2 I've been told bluntly that the chorus for that song fuckin sucks

 

[jjtcorsair]

Your lyrics are really good. I can relate, and that's my test. I'd like to hear the songs to judge better but just reading the words leaves me pretty satisfied. I agree about the second songs chorus, but I haven't heard the music so I can't be sure.

"We are like Love on autopilot
Navigating by an outdated map
Yet we return to this place
On a nightly basis"

"Place" and "Basis" have some alliteration but you could do better. Like:

"Yet we return to this place,
our midnight air base"

I don't know. You're very close to good poetry, just keep refining and simplifying.

 

[Fat_Satchel]

Like JJ said, its hard to comment not hearing the music...or at least knowing the style/tempo/feel.

You stated these are for an album youre recording so Ill comment from the assumption they are meant for commercial end-use.

The "ideal" song length is between 3:30 and 4 minutes for radio play (theres also ideal time lengths for intro, time to 1st chorus, bridge length and so on...bit of searching the net and youll find em). That doesnt leave you many measures each verse/chorus to say what you want to say.

That said, these seem to me very lengthy...something like 4 min + not including intro, changes, breaks etc. add frugal amounts of those and you might be pushing 5:30 or so...

I think the main reason is the "wordiness" of the verses. You have a lot to say, that shows...the flow is there in your head you just need to channel it into as few words as nesseccary to convey what you want to say. Vocally, phrases and words will be stretched and modulated as they are sung to lengthen lines out.

As far as each songs critique...Imaginary Day, I like the imagery in the first verse. The whole, playing in bed all day idea is good, if wordy. it lays a good foundation for the song. Verse 2 is mysteriously short for some reason. Without hearing the music Id say this will cause problems with progressions and timing, especially as it doesnt dump into a chorus or bridge, but goes into yet another verse. So, you have V1 with 11 lines, V2 with 8 lines and V3 with 12...maybe some lines are sung fast. Need more info. As to the I'd/I'll thing...go with I'd...it fits the tense of the rest of the lines better. The chorus is weak IMO. With a title line Imaginary Day, Id expect it in a more prominent hook. Which I think the song requires a GREAT hook if youre gonna make me listen thru 3 verses before gettin to it

Too Many Nites...This has some interesting lines in it and decidely different feel than the 1st. The reason the chorus sucks is because you have very opposing imagery going on here. The verses use ALOT of physical/touching/contact type imagery...fire, burns, skin etc then the chorus comes and you switch to...Maps. travel, locations...see the contradiction? Also...and most importantly...there is no hook again. The chorus needs to tie the whole idea being presented together and sort of sum it up for the listener...this doesnt it goes on vacation

Certainly decent starts...VERY seldom are good songs written once. Maybe rewrite em a bit, tie em together tighter and repost em.

Just some guys opinion who aint got nuttin better to do then comment on your stuff.

Cyas