Give it the Moxey!

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Whatmysay

Whatmysay

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John and all

I’d like to offer this one up for evaluation – against your criteria or any other

I’m trying to get across the extreme level of hopelessness with the complete brake down of the universe.

The Mid8 is based around a new technique for seeing the echo of supernovas from the past through reflected light I read about In New Scientist last month. It seemed such a poetic idea that I have tried to include it, but I think it stands lyrically on it own regardless of the science.

The greatest area of weakness for me are the lines ‘Sleepless void’ and
‘ . . .destroyed’ they seem contrived – I don’t know how they appear to a new reader?

Comments welcome

Broken Universe

In my search for the weight of love
I’ve measured constellations
With telescope and satellite
Witnessed love bending light
But stars still collide
And hearts fade and dry

Ch
In a broken Universe, A sleepless void
In a broken Universe, You destroyed
Scientist all agree, That you leaving me
Broke the Universe, A broken Universe

In my search for the human soul
I walk the streets of Chernobyl
Fall out cool upon my skin
My half-life burnt deep within
In dreams I scream for you
Red shift turns blue

Ch

Mid8

If supernovas make their memories
With light through cosmic dust
That reflects through eternity
Then why can’t we make love

But you broke the Universes
Broke the Universe (r)
 
Hey

:D

I like your idea, but for me the title and main hook could be better. Getting the right title/hook will really set this off. I think the issue is "broken" combined with "universe". It jars, and while that might help to make it memorable I don't think it quite works. Maybe if you change the tense to "Breaking the Universe"? Maybe it's just me. "Broken Universe" just seems to have little mystery.

You could get some benefit from trying out a few combinations that allow you to use the vehicle (space/universe as an allegory or metaphor etc) with the message (You left me and my life fell apart). At the moment you have chosen enough to convey both, but for me it isn't right yet. You do leave the user with a quetsion (what broke the universe?) that draws them in, which is great.

I like your first verse (although the first line blows the storyline, in many ways. Better to hold off the direct "love" connection "you" until at least the chorus. The other line using love is more ambiguous about the connection to you. Keep 'em guessing!). One suggestion would be to drop your current first line, and write another line for elsewhere in the verse).

Other than that it works really well, as does the mid8. I think self-contained the 2nd verse is good, but it breaks the plot with no other reference in the song to tie it in. Maybe you could add a reference to the sun, or some other stellar nuclear reference that allows you to keep half-life? Which is a very good line. :)

I think the chorus works to the extent that it underlines the hook and conveys the message, but there are a few "filler" lines that don't really contribute much. Add to that I think it will work a lot better if you work on that hook.

Lastly, the last two lines just seem to hang there. Maybe they work with the melody/structure, but they don't add anything for me. Yet again, maybe it's the hook again? Even if you keep the hook and title, I wouldn't use "Broke the Universe" in the song. Variation works, but in a song that has an intellectual element it cheapens it somehow. There are other variations on the existing title/hook that would suit better(lyrically).

What you have is promising, but for me not quite there yet. Hopefully my comments will be of some use. If you want to discuss anything just let me know.

Cheers

John
 
OK, usual caveats apply :) .. Not being able to hear the music, I may have got this all wrong.

I like the idea, and have a few suggestions if you don't mind. I hope this is helpful, and that you don't mind suggestions. It was just that this seemed a little impersonal, and seems to me to be describing an intensely personal subject..

I just want to give you something to play with if you wanted to.

  • I'd change "In my search for" to "Searching for" - it sounds slightly more personal to me.
  • I'd change "the universe" to "my universe".
  • I'd make "you destroyed" into "that you destroyed".
  • I'd probably change "red shift turns blue" to "red shift turns to blue"

So it would become...

Searching for the weight of love
I’ve measured constellations
With telescope and satellite
Witnessed love bending light
But stars still collide
And hearts fade and dry

Ch
In my broken Universe, A sleepless void
In my broken Universe, That you destroyed
Scientist all agree, That you leaving me
Broke my Universe, My broken Universe

Searching for the human soul
I walk the streets of Chernobyl
Fall out cool upon my skin
My half-life burnt deep within
In dreams I scream for you
Red shift turns to blue

Ch

Mid8

If supernovas make their memories
With light through cosmic dust
That reflects through eternity
Then why can’t we make love

But you broke my Universe
Broke my Universe (r)​

I like the bridge. The coda is OK, but it would be nice if you could turn it into a question .. "Why did you/how could you break my universe?". Maybe on the repeats?

But you broke my universe
(You) broke my Universe
How could you break my universe?
(You) broke my Universe
Why did you break my universe?

.. etc..​

Oh yes, I'd change the title to "My Broken Universe".

It would be nice to hear it when it's done :)
 
Hey Freddy

Goint point about the impersonal aspect. Writing an indirect lyric using allegory or metaphor can seem impersonal. The simple addition of a couple of direct feelings or reactions would help, or at least a couple of lines that connect the vehicle and message a bit more closely. It's always a balance with this kind of lyric. Too direct and the allegory or metaphor becomes almost incidental, too little and it seems detached.

Cheers

John
 
JohnMoxey said:
I like your idea, but for me the title and main hook could be better. Getting the right title/hook will really set this off. I think the issue is "broken" combined with "universe". It jars, and while that might help to make it memorable I don't think it quite works. Maybe if you change the tense to "Breaking the Universe"? Maybe it's just me. "Broken Universe" just seems to have little mystery.
Click to expand...

What John says is true for me also. Perhaps Shattered the Universe or even more subtly, Changed the Universe. jmho. Still it is a novel approach to a time worn subject and I really like that aspect. Good luck.;)
 
Giving it the Moxey...

That's gonna become a new phrase for me.

Bandmate: 'Is that song finished yet?'

Me: 'Nearly, I just have to give it the Moxey!' :)

Edit: By the way, whatmaysay, I like the lyrics.
 
Thank you all for your constructive responses

Freddy your points have really moved the song from the objective (I was sort of going for the scientist’s voice) to the personal (which I think is better). I was trying to increase the significance of the distress – by making it the whole universe, as opposed to just my universe – but I think too much like an actor playing a role consistently than a songwriter trying to craft a hook sometimes. I’m with you on the coda and had been going that way the more I played it – it sort of runs down musically at the end.

John and Up-Fiddler I know what you’re saying about ‘broken/broke’ not having the same magnitude as ‘universe’, but it was one of the more intentional choices in the work. I like the incongruity and I am confident that against the music it will hook more than repel. I think the shift from ‘the’ to ‘my’ sort of softens it. I am going with the ‘clock–work’ universe being broken, which I think the new ch lyric emphasise.

I often see Vs. as new movie location so that is why the leap to Chernobyl, I was obviously thinking atomic reaction (sun/reactor) as the connector, but I think new lyrics knit it a bit better.

I have posted a few songs here for critique and I am grateful to all who have commented – I am recording a lot during my summer holidays (bloody teachers!) so I will post up soon the finished work for a listen.

My Broken Universe

Searching for the weight of love
I’ve measured constellations
With telescope and satellite
Witnessed love bending light
But stars still collide
And hearts fade and dry

Ch
In my broken Universe, no planets spin
In my broken Universe, time unwinding
Scientists all agree, that you leaving me
Changed life on earth, you broke my Universe

Searching for a human soul
I walk the streets of Chernobyl
The man made sun warms my skin
Chills the dieing worlds within
In dreams I scream for you
Red shift turns to blue

Ch

Mid8

If supernovas make their memories
With light through cosmic dust
That reflect through eternity
Then why can’t we make love

But you broke my Universes
Why’d you break my Universe?
My broken Universe
 
Hey

I think your new chorus works a lot better, and simply adding "My" to the title hook has helped a lot too. The personal element definately gets a stronger reaction.

All in it knits better than it did originally.

I still think the first line blows the plot. The title hook draws people in, because they don't really know what the song is about and want to hear/read more to discover what it means, what it is about. That one word, love, so early in the song draws a connection that I think you would get more value from by delaying using.

I'm looking forward to hearing the track :)

Cheers

John
 
Nice changes, especially the chorus :)

The lines about the sun warming your skin, but chilling in the next line threw me slightly on first reading, but may work.
 
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