gimme some feedback

[Newbie dude]

Well, I haven't recorded it yet so you can hear it, and you can't really fully critique a song's lyrics without hearing them, but i thought i'd get some feedback early on. Well, here you go, I just finished writing it less than a minute ago. Lemme know anything that stands out to you:

I stepped outside into the rain
The hurricane, it seemed to sweep me off my feet
And sing to me a song, a tragedy
And so it said
You don’t have to look very far
To see the end of the world
You don’t have to listen very hard
To hear my screams
That i’m dying here
Yeah, we’re all dying here

And if I take a breath
Will you promise that you’ll never
Hold it against me? Hold it against me.
And If I try to speak
And overcome my weakness
Will you hear?

Something’s
Aren’t always what they seem
Nothing’s that easy
And you
You were always just a dream

There’s a coldness in the air
It fills my lungs like fire
Burning from a memory
Or maybe a dream
Could it be?
That you were there

It happens all the time
A flashback to to the night
To the moment we all knew
Innocence was through
And we sang

The night is never young
It’s never just begun
It’s been the same for two years
The same silent vow
We never would allow
The past to die

Something’s
Aren’t always what they seem
Nothing’s that easy
And you
You were always just a dream

And if I tried
To rectify
The past and all it’s words
Would you ignore it?
Would you scorn it?
That I would seek something more
And if you lied
And said you’re fine
We’d both know it wasn’t true
And would never get past
That sample act
And bury it with me and you

Something’s
Aren’t always what they seem
Nothing’s that easy
And you
You were always just a dream
Something’s
Aren’t always what they seem
Nothing’s that easy
And you
You know it wasn’t a dream

 

[Newbie dude]

oh, come on now. 19 views and no replies?

 

[Jason P]

I like it. I tend to like most songs with dreams in them.

One quick fix: "Something's" should be "Somethings"

Sorry, it was just bothering me.

 

[ido1957]

Hey Newbie Dude,

The words read well, nice flow, rhythm, rhyme....

Can you clarify the meaning in a few of the lyrics for me?
- the intro speaks of a hurricane, so I'm thinking this is a New Orleans type song, with death and destruction. But I don't think that's the point - or is it?
- verse one is longer than the rest. Should it be split into two stanzas?
- you write that the innocence was lost but imply throughout that it was a dream. Is that because it was so surreal? Or a dream that would never come true because it was too good to be true.
- sample act - it that supposed to read simple act?
- Something's should be "some things" (two words)

Thanks - ido

 

[Nick_Black]

nice song makes me think of the game Final fantasy,

please don't make it into a screemo song...

 

[Newbie dude]

Okay:
- yeah, something's is a typo. opps. sorry
- it's supposed to be simple act. oops again
- it's not a dream, nor is it about hurricane katrina. It's about when two people are in a relarionship, whether it be a romantic one o friends, and something happens that taints the relarionship, but rather than try and work it out, they just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen or it's not there, and it eats away at them.
- Yeah, I need to change " You were always a dream". The song has changed meanings, melodies, and words alot, and that line doesn't fit anymore.
- verse one just looks longer cause of the way i type it. it's the same length.
-No, it's not a screamo song. It's a soft rock acoustic song.