Following Up-fiddler's lead, another song to review

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Whatmysay

Whatmysay

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Comments much appreciated

Autumn Leaves

Riff
Vs.1
I’ve been riding this motorcade just like a Kennedy
Feeling I can not escape a tragic destiny
Then you go of like a bouncing bomb, Bouncing away from me
Heart-stopping explosions, then we’re just a memory

Pre-Ch
The trees go bare, when your not there
And the wind chill is killing me

Ch
Autumn leaves a bitter taste in my mouth
Autumn leaves are falling down
(If) Autumn leaves you cold, then you just wait till winter falls
Autumn leave me alone

Riff
Vs. 2
I’ve been riding this motorbike, like Cha Gavara
Making my memoirs as I write, hundred miles an hour
The you crash my memory, a lethal incision
Thing are closer then they seem, in rear vision

Pre Ch
Seasons collide, love dies on vine
And the wind chill is killing me

Ch

Mid-8
I wrote this in a minor key so you might see the broken me
But you’ll just hear the major chord
You said genetically I meant to be unhappy
But I think you’re the major cause

Riff
I’ve been riding this motorcade just like a Kennedy . . . (Just this line not Vs. 1)

Ch x 2

Riff

Outro
 
Hmm.. interesting one.

There is a lot of clever word play in there, and a veritable tsunami of metaphor! This could either work extremely well or it could be a little too overworked.

I'm just not sure.

The thing is that there are so many cross-references and so on that it is very difficult to unstitch, and each part has some very clever construction that it would be a shame to lose.

One line I would pick up on, however, is the line with "crash" and "incision" .. I'm not sure those two words work well together - but I like the line "Things are closer than they seem ..". It just seems that "incision" is chosen to make the rhyme work.

Also, "Making my memoirs as I write, hundred miles an hour" - should that read "Making my memoirs as I ride, hundred miles an hour"?

It would probably help to hear it. There are a fair few false rhymes that may or may not work depending on how they are delivered.
 
Freddy said:
Hmm.. interesting one.

There is a lot of clever word play in there, and a veritable tsunami of metaphor! This could either work extremely well or it could be a little too overworked.

I'm just not sure.

The thing is that there are so many cross-references and so on that it is very difficult to unstitch, and each part has some very clever construction that it would be a shame to lose.

One line I would pick up on, however, is the line with "crash" and "incision" .. I'm not sure those two words work well together - but I like the line "Things are closer than they seem ..". It just seems that "incision" is chosen to make the rhyme work.

Also, "Making my memoirs as I write, hundred miles an hour" - should that read "Making my memoirs as I ride, hundred miles an hour"?

It would probably help to hear it. There are a fair few false rhymes that may or may not work depending on how they are delivered.
Click to expand...

I like the song, Good use of words, and good wordplay.

I think, possibly, that "maknig memoirs as I write, hundred miles an hour" could be a metaphor for the guy writing really fast.
 
Strong, intense lyrics in the verses. Lots of good imagery and emotion. Nice choice of words. The only thing that I find a bit different is the chorus. "Autumn" doesn't seem to have the lyrical emotional punch that exists in the verses. Autumn, in my mind, is gentle leaves falling and cool winds. The chorus itself is very good though - just doesn't click with my interpretation of the verses.... Maybe I'm just having trouble with the word Autumn...

:D :) :D :)
 
ido1957 said:
Strong, intense lyrics in the verses. Lots of good imagery and emotion. Nice choice of words. The only thing that I find a bit different is the chorus. "Autumn" doesn't seem to have the lyrical emotional punch that exists in the verses. Autumn, in my mind, is gentle leaves falling and cool winds. The chorus itself is very good though - just doesn't click with my interpretation of the verses.... Maybe I'm just having trouble with the word Autumn...

:D :) :D :)
Click to expand...

In many cultures autumn leaves represent death and spring rebirth........ Anyway..... I agree with ido1957 as to the intensity of the lyrics and like what you are trying to do with the song. The middle eight seems not to fit with the rest of the song but is that what you are intentionally trying to do for contrast? In the end, art is what people think it is and this song makes me think. I like that.
 
Thanks for all the comments and yes, yes, yes – I agree with you all, about continuity.

I wrote this pretty well in about a one hour session. None of it was based on previous idea and the lyrics virtually feel out. I was struck by the fact that the Vs, Ch and Mid8 seem like they could be from 3 separate songs, but equally felt they had continuity because of the process of composition – I appreciate my process not necessarily that of the listener.

The Pre-Ch was the only laboured section it was a quick turn around over a F#m and G into the D based Ch. So finding a concise lyrical prelude to the Autumn after focusing on cars and bombs was difficult.

I have been listening to a lot of recent Bowie and while he still crafts fantastic songs with strong narratives and continuity – his work is always peppered with songs that seem to have very separate voice Vs/Ch and I think that is why I like these lyrics.

If it is provoking the listener to think then I am very pleased.

Thank you for your comments and pls keep them coming

How do I give rep points? I don't seem to be able to!
 
:o Oh, a bridge. Thanks...sorry never heard of it referred to in that way.
 
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