critique of my lyrics?

  • Thread starter Thread starter jimistone
  • Start date Start date
jimistone

jimistone

long standing member
this is a country song i wrote....im going to lay it down in my studio and i wanted to get some input on the lyrics.

I had a loving wife,
I gave her everything.
now she don't want me
and 10 years are down the drain.
when she asked if I would be alright
that was the last blow,
so now im starting over
where the wine and liquor flow.

(this is the chorus)
I made an over night migration
to the honky tonk scene,
I've been out of circulation,
but I ain't forgot a thing.
and if its any consilation,
honey im gonna be just fine,
with a new appreciation
for the women and the wine.

bartender set me up...
yes i'll have one more round
i've got the good time feeling
from that thumpin' juke box sound
"whats that?....ok darlin"
bartender bring one more,
for this honky tonk angel...
when we get back off the floor

(chorus again)

I have all my friends around me,
and im here most every night,
I chase away the memories,
until the morning light,
the scent of smoke and perfume is hangin' in the air
I just sit here on my barstool...im drunk without a care.

chorus and out
 
....Hic.....I hear ya man. I'm...hic....drunk too.

Bob
Northern Cuba
 
".....and Father Murphy just shook his head in disgust and disappointment, 'Jim Flinn - Drunk the day through!'..

and Jim looked just looked down, and said 'so am I'....."


I like the lyrics! It put me in the St. Patrick's Day 'mood' - I also kind of have the urge to leave the wife and kids, quit my job, and hang out at a bar all day trying to pick up 'bar-flys' and playing darts - but I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the lyrics...

JD
 
I think the lyrics are quite cool, but they can only really be critiqued if there is music to accompany them. :)
 
thanks for the input so far. i have the music for the song...i just haven't recorded it yet
 
Make sure to post it to the MP3 Mixing Clinic when you have recorded it - I look forward to hearing it. :)
 
thanks again eveybody

im just finishing up the writing and arrangements on some blues originals of mine (8 original and 2 covers) for a blues album and i haven't got this country tune layed down yet. Im going to post some of the blues numbers in the mixing clinic as i get them finished. Seems like every second im in the studio is taken up with the blues project and i can't get around to cutting the country song....but when i get it finished i'll put it in the mixing clinic.
 
You shouldn't mix blues with country! You might over-twang your thang!


Bob

:D
 
clever lyrics

not much for me to say other than what's already been said. I dig the lyrics.
 
Where is this MP3 clinic at that I keep hearin' about???

WATYF
 
jimistone,

The writing is solid but could easily sound flimsy without a good progression/melody/delivery.

I'd love to hear this one when it is recorded.

Theron.


WATYF
The mp3 mixing clinic is just a "couple of clicks down" on the main page of this juicy site. Carefull or you'll bump your head on the door!
 
Oh.. I see it now... right there on the main page... you know.. that big huge link that clearly says, "MP3 Clinic"...

in the immortal words of the (unfortunately) mortal Chris Farley...

Geeeez,.. I'm an IDIOT!!!

:p

WATYF
 
Really great lyrics! But for me the words "honky tonk" shouldnt be... eh well... shouldnt be! :)
 
thanks P Hallin
its a traditional country song and honky tonk is ALWAYS in a traditional country song
lol
 
Good lyrics. They get more natural as the song progresses. You might want to revise the first verse and chorus a bit. For example, "I gave her everything" and "now she don't want me" are kinda broad and come out a little clumsily. And I would get rid of "migration"; too Latiny. I have a feeling that when you work the lyrics a bit with the melody some ideas will come to mind.

It's so sad!:(
 
yeah, the first verse is a little weak like you say. In my opinion the 1st verse is the absolute hardest part of writing a song. You have to set up the theme of the song and set up the chorus in about 4 lines...THATS TOUGH!! lol

the rest of the verses are easy as pie for me ...once I get the 1st verse and the chorus.

in the 1st verse I had to talk about my woman not wanting to be with me and to add insult to injury she says "are you gonna be alright?"

that sets up the last line of the chorus "if its any consilation, honey, im gonna be just fine, with a new appreciation for the women and the wine"

thanks for taking a look ...the 1st verse is the best i could do so far and i have tried to improve it for a while.

it flows better in the song than it reads.
 
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