critique my lyrics please :)

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RyanJ

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Hey there everyone hope you are all doing well :) I wrote this about someone very dear to me, just hoping to get comments/opinions on it to help me become a better writer :)

If you could look my way
What could I really say
And would it matter anyway
To change how I feel

Am I the mess that you fear
An open door that you just won’t come near
Someone so close that you’re afraid
To let slip away

Loving you is what keeps me alive
And if that fades then I would hope to die
Without you then this world isn’t right
Because loving you
Loving you is what keeps me alive

So let’s just walk away
Turn and run till the end of days
So much to see and say
Why are we so afraid to welcome any sort of change
In my heart you will always lie
Till the day that it says goodbye

The sparkle in your eyes
The love that you show inside
It’s so much more then words can say
But I guess ill try anyway

Loving you is what keeps me alive
And if that fades then I would hope to die
Without you then this world isn’t right
Because loving you
Loving you is what keeps me alive

If you could look my way
What could I really say
Other then

Loving you is what keeps me alive
And if that fades then I would hope to die
Without you then this world isn’t right
Because loving you
Loving you is what keeps me alive
 
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Hey Ryan...

Well honestly I tried to read it with a melody but your rhyme and meter is alluding me so as lyrics I'm having a hard time with them...as words alone I think they're heartfelt, soulful and pretty until I get the repetition of dying. IMO it's a worn out phrase and makes me think of emo.
But this part stood out the most and it's a great use of words right here...

"So let’s just walk away
Turn and run till the end of days
So much to see and say
Why are we so afraid to welcome any sort of change"

But like I said, words alone it's good...just not the I'll die or you make me live parts. Maybe once but not throughout the song :)
 
I enjoyed the lyrics.

However it seems like you start with not knowing how you feel about this person, then in the end you show more love towards this person. I was a little confused in the direction of the song. BUT there lyrics you can what ever the hell you want with them.

it was nice.
 
Ryan:

It seems like the central theme and the hook of the song is "I don't want to live without you". Which is usually a figure of speech.

Its a common theme, I can think of a lot of songs that are about that. The key it seems to me is saying it in a different way. Posibly using metaphor or similie.

I thought of this, which I know is not the same theme. But Eric Clapton:

Instead of singing....

I don't want you to gradually dump my ass, because I did this crap.

He says

I don't want to fade away... give me one more chance babe.

When I think of fading, I think of ink or clothes that fade. And because he's asking for another chance, he did (at least in her mind) do something. But, someone else may think of something else. The point is, we get the point and there is some room left to the imagination.

I like your lyrics, I just think like Megaman that, that is the center and heart of your song and could be said in a different way.

My thoughts for what they are worth...

johnathon..... And PS they are your lyrics.
 
If this is a country song, I think you're done. Otherwise, I have some advice. I think the verses are great. the chorus is really trite though:

Loving you is what keeps me alive
And if that fades then I would hope to die

ive already heard that one a million times. not only that, but the alive/die rhyme is a bit over-done. looking at the chorus as a whole:

Loving you is what keeps me alive
And if that fades then I would hope to die
Without you then this world isn’t right
Because loving you
Loving you is what keeps me alive

you are not making good use of your "trigger lines"..the first line could be much stronger. I would change the first two lines and leave the last one-it works well at the end.

maybe start with..

from our bond I feel great pride
if our love moved like the tide
etc. etc.

just don't rhyme "alive" with "alive" ...its not even technically a rhyme when you use the same word. its just the same word.

just a thought.
 
thanks for the input guys :) in tone its meant to be more of an alt rock song i guess with more words stretched out vocal wise but obviously without a recording thats impossible to know haha :) ill revise it and post the changes ive made :)
 
If you could look my way
What could I really say
And would it matter anyway
To change how I feel

Am I the mess that you fear
An open door that you just won’t come near
Someone so close that you’re afraid
To let slip away

All the feelings ive held inside
The times I wished I could be by your side
I'd give anything just to hold you tight
Because without you this world isint right


So let’s just walk away
Turn and run till the end of days
So much to see and say
Why are we so afraid to welcome any sort of change
In my heart you will always lie
Till the day that it says goodbye

The sparkle in your eyes
The love that you show inside
It’s so much more then words can say
But I guess ill try anyway

All the feelings ive held inside
The times I wished I could be by your side
I'd give anything just to hold you tight
Because without you this world isint right

And all the thoughts we've shared
The way your smile consumes my air
I know you dont believe what i say
But that has never stopped me anyway

All the feelings ive held inside
The times I wished I could be by your side
I'd give anything just to hold you tight
Because without you this world isint right
 
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wow. its better. only now its sort of creepy.

first you say:

All the feelings ive held inside
The times I wished I could be by your side
I'd give anything just to hold you tight

immediately followed by:

Because loving you
Loving you is what keeps me alive

.....are you loving her from a distance? sounds like she might need a restraining order.
 
haha its a very complicated relationship, we both have alot of feelings for each other but we are restricted to seeing each other cause her BF doesnt approve of our friendship so in a way it is my love for her from a long distance :) ( in no way did i mean to make it sound creepy ) haha
 
my main bugbear with lyrics is if you can easily guess the rhyming word way before it's actually been said, i've just copied your last verse for example...

All the feelings ive held inside
The times I wished I could be by your <??>
I'd give anything just to hold you tight
Because without you this world isn't <??>

if a young child could fill in the question marks, then maybe it's just all too simple.

but saying that i heard Coldplay's "Fix you" on the radio this morning :eek: how obvious, you could predict the whole of the next line not just the rhyming word, and we know they're doing very well, so as always there's no right or wrong.

but for me it's got to a stage where just hearing a rhyme (no matter how clever) is annoying me! i'm tending now to use words that just work well together wherever possible (but i'm sure that will start to annoy me before too long as well :rolleyes: )
 
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