Ok man…I took a more studious look at this during my lunch. First, let me say that I really think this is a pretty damn good song. As for your original question about clichés, yeah, maybe one too many in there. Maybe. I’m not totally convinced of that. It didn’t really bother me through casual listens. But I’m not against the use of clichés on occasion
.
The rest of my comments could really be considered in the nit category. Things that I may have spent too much time fretting about if I had written the song
And remember, these are only the opinions someone who still hasn’t gotten this all figured out yet, so take them as such…
First verse
I have a little confusion here. However, I think that could be eliminated by tying the first two lines to the last line a little tighter. Maybe like below. To me this would send a message that you say you don’t know if love lasts forever, but you are damn sure positive that it will last through your life time. The original lyric confused me a little in that you are talking about trying to love someone forever and then you are going to love them until you die. That doesn’t work for me logically unless you plan on living a million years or more
. This change would also not change the meaning of the song IMO. (see, that was a lot of words over one little nit wasn’t it LOL)
How could I love you
For a million years or more
I don’t know, but I’m surely gonna try
I have no doubts about you
I just can’t live without you
At least I can love you until I die
Bridge
I agree with daf on the God has sent me to you part. I like his thought on that. (that reminds me, I owe daf a PM or something on one of his songs. I am going to try to burn it to a CD before I leave on vacation tonight so I can give it some attention while I am away)
.
Chorus
:up:
only thing is the last line. I like it and understand it. I might be inclined just to repeat the previous line just for effect and to drill the hook a little more.
That I don’t really know very much about it
But I know enough to say
That I’m powerless to change it
Yeah I’m powerless to change it
Just a random thought...may or may not be a good idea
Second verse
The space/face thing does kind of stick out. Consider this. The first verse has kind of a loose rhyme scheme of a, b, c, d, d, c (using the internal rhyme in lines 4 & 5). In theory, the verses should have the same rhyme scheme. That being said, you could replace the word “space” with just about anything that made sense and keep the continuity of the rhyme scheme from verse 1. Just a thought
I like the repeated line from the first verse “I’m gonna love you until I die” and the fact that you fit it into the structure of the verse so well. Very crafty IMHO.
The Tag (or whatever that is at the end)
I’m not a big fan of the line “I never really though very much about it”. The reason is that I think the rest of the song proves that point to be false because you are apparently thinking a great deal about it (there goes that logic again
). You could use something like this for example without changing the meaning. (Again, just a quick idea thrown out)
I know I can’t do anything about it
But even if I
could
I would never want to change it
I’m powerless to change it
I’m so powerless
Hey Mark, this is nice stuff. I don’t often critique someone’s songs this thoroughly, because I hate ruffling folks feathers. But you have shown that you are generally interested in improving and hear a big step forward in this one compared to the last one of yours I listened to. Remember, I am nit picking now, so keep that in mind. Very nice work man. Keep it up. Plus, since I’m still learning as well, this is a great mental exercise for me. Now if I could only follow my own advice sometimes
) "God SENT me to you" puts you in the role of the angel, which isn't what you mean, I don't think. "God LED me to you", or something similar, might get your point across better?
