another new one, i keep cranking them out

[kylosius]

not nearly as dark as what i've been writing as of late. this may/may not be a finished song. it's called "don't turn around". let me know what you think of writing alone, nothing mix related (this was 1st or second take, i don't know which one i kept. i'm also still working out the song structure. this was done live with one mic. it doesn't sound bad though). www.nowhereradio.com/emopunker/singles

i've been blindsided
by you and your plans once again
it feels like
i've been hit by a cadillac
and now you're running
smiling and skipping
from the scene of the crime
laughing all the fucking way

hook me up to this alcohol iv
i need this medicine, i need this medicine
won't you come see me lying here pathetically
in this hospital bed that you have prepared for me

chorus type thingie
and now i'm bleeding inside
and hoping i can be fixed up just right
and now i'm planning out my revenge
don't turn around, don't close your eyeballs anymore

 

[Layla Nahar]

there's something about the feel & the rhythm of it that work for me. I think the language needs to be trimmed up. Of course its a 'you fucked up' song, so the sentiment is not love & kisses, right? but I think that some of the nastiness could be tempered. Imho. also, closing one's eyeballs doesnt' work for me. I'm not a big fan of the word eyeball. sounds too scientific.

 

[kylosius]

yeah, i'm probably gonna keep the fuck in there, but i am definitely gonna trim the word eyeball to eyes. i'm having trouble playing it now though, it seems the first take is always the one i try to live up to.

 

[Garry Sharp]

No, it doesn't sound bad at all. Makes me think I'm listening to a bloke with a guitar in a pub, which is good. As to the song - well, you asked for comments, so here are mine (with the ususal caveat that I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about).

Musically, as Layla said it has a good feel and rhythm. I really liked the guitar playing. But mate, it just doesn't go anywhere. It's an emotional photograph, not a movie, there's no story, nothing changes. A very good photograph - you know how to write and to draw pictures with words, it's just that nothing happens. Or to put it differently, we don't know what she's done to make you feel this way.

It has the potential to be a very good song, maybe another verse or a change of feel / different lyrics in the bridge or chorus. Hope I'm making sense and being constructive. What do you think?

Cheers

Garry

 

[kylosius]

i was thinking of another verse, but i was thinking of leaving it so people would wonder what the person did in the song.
a bloke in the pub? maybe i could be the next shane macgowan, minus the bad teeth. i don't care what people say, it's not cool to have teeth like shane macgowan.