Another lyrics feedback thread

K

Koroshiya1

New member
I would like to think that this is one of the better things I've written...maybe that says I should stop writing! =P Let me know...

(I think the rhyming scheme is mildly interesting, at least)

-Worlds-

Two hands apart
Severed at the tips
A kissed, touched heart
Severed at the lips

Starry eyes gaze
At starry skies
A maze of thought
Distraught at heart
Two hands apart

Two minds apart
Broken seperate ways
Right from the start
Broken romantic haze

Starry skies loom
Over lonely eyes
Doomed chances
Enhances the heart
Two minds apart

Two hands apart
Two minds apart
Two worlds apart...
 
Yeah, I don't think you can have a doomed chance :) There's an awful lot of starry stuff - you might want to think about that again.
 
Well, what I mean by "Doomed chances", is something that you know right from the beginning won't work, but you take the chance anyway...in keeping with the rhyming scheme, it seemed to work for me. I appreciate your feedback, though!

The word 'starry' comes up twice...you got something against stars!? :P
 
Koroshiya1 said:
The word 'starry' comes up twice...you got something against stars!? :P
Click to expand...

Only that it's a cliche. Don Maclean kind of cornered the market for that word :) And it comes up 3 times - including in two consecutive lines!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top