And Here Are The Entries (for April)

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Sewer Song
http://www.soundclick.com/util/getpl...d=6409835&q=hi
My collaborator came up with an impressionistic lyric & melody.
So Sewer Song is, currently, Night Out!
SEWERSONG / NIGHT OUT – 17APR2008
Flange on the neon
Flange on the street
Real and constructed
Everyman’s treat

Bucking the system
Pleasure the night
Cocktails like molotovs
Get in a fight
Get in a fight
Slashed with a razor
Stuck with a knife
Stuck with a knife
Interlude
Loosen the purse strings
Spend on the moon
Watching the sunrise
Look for a room
Roll in the gutter
Crawl amongst the stars
Throw up near No Birds
Dream of fast cars
Roll in the gutter
Dream of fast cars
Interlude
Slashed with a razor
Stuck with a knife
Loosen the purse strings
Spend on the moon
Cocktails like molotovs
Look for a room
END
Slashed with a razor
Stuck with a knife
Flange on the neon

Copyright 2008 – Cochrane Berman
 
rayc said:
I don't understand the U.P. thing!
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I think we are being culturally excluded! Still I'm sure they wouldn't get Westies, Bogans, Shackers or Ferals! BTW how is Lithgow by the sea?
 
At Last Sorry

When you get to where your going – J Blessing

I love the inconclusive ending of this narrative – you could say its hopeful or you could see the last pre-chorus as evidence that they are taking a little more each time. I think that it is interesting despite their protesting and claims of undying love that their action are in contradiction – you have done an excellent job to create such a vivid image. Particularly as each time the chorus is sung it evolves slightly and has a new impetuous.

I do not usually like such direct lyrics, but you are very economical in your delivery and as noted above it adds up to something quite cinematic for me. Maybe it is because in am not from the US, but I do get a bit geographically lost as to who is where? The Fort Worth line confused me – where that there in the start and he’s gone somewhere else? Perhaps something to consider or just dismiss as just an issue for someone more familiar with Ho Man Tin than Fort Worth!

Hope you record it soon

Perfect Time – Yonce N Mild

I love this from the first reading. The short vs. immediately engages me. They say comedy works in 3s (e.g. An American, an Australian and an Irishman walk into a bar!) 1st time establish pattern, 2nd time reinforces it 3rd perverts it. In a similar manner you have done the same here. The repletion of the short form vs. and lyric content makes the final verse even more satisfying.

The your lyric like ‘broken megaphone’ and ‘these wounds were open for so long’ are reminiscent Radiohead lyrics, in that they are not overtly poetically constructed, but create such vivid images and metaphors. As with J Blessing I love how you Ch. Evolves through the song to have a slightly different meaning each time it is returned to. I always love a happy ending too.

Please share when you record it.

The Dream – UpFiddler

I love ‘a Dream’ as the lyrical hook – it offers so many ‘meanings’ (e.g. semi-conscious state, nightmare, unreal, a vision of the future) and you have exploited them all without the work becoming contrived. I love the guitar licks as a reinforcing motif to the lyric content (The dist. crash on death machines is choice). I feel that you could lift the tempo a bit to give it some more drive, without compromising your delivery of the lyrics.

My only question – not really a problem – is the relationship between the he and she is ambiguous; is that intentional? It could be a partner or a father, I’d be perfectly happy to leave it and let the listener decide, but could there be some mileage in actually making it more explicit? It is a wonderful humanisation of the media generalisations about the war on terror and the choice of a female veteran is not only unique, but very real.

Up to your usually excellent standard Dave.

He’s the one – Cnix

Being much more a fan of the New Testament version of a Christian God this song engages me straight off with the open line ‘ . . . and a friend’. It is a great lyrical hook, almost with a bit of modern branding going on (Coke is it), but despite its high repetition I don not find it over done.

I think you have very cleverly taken some what might seem ‘archaic’ phrases and placed them deftly along side contemporary language and make the flow of images very accessible. The bridge is a melodically a little flat – obviously a good contrast to the Vs and Ch., but I would love to hear a layering and building of harmonies here – as it seems to de-energies the song rather than give it the greater impetuous that a bridge section should do.

Hope to hear more soon.

House – Gecko Zzed

These are great lyrics, while economical they summon up such a strong image of departed grandeur. The song reminds me of a Dorothea Lange or Walker Evans
Photographs of the great depression. What is really interesting about these lyrics is they are the first that I have read on this site that are completely void of any human presence (well living).

I would almost create a new genre for this work – the ‘documentary song’ – void of human commentary (within the song) you have painted a very objective vision that only in its entirety can we respond to. You have done that however through a series of vinettes (no welcome in its lean) as the listeners eyes (paradox intended) search the image you are conveying.

I can’t wait to hear what you do with this musically as I am not sure how I should respond to it yet and the arrangement will go a long way to shape my response to these interesting lyrics.

Night Out – Ray C (and collaborator)

Ray you’ve been a moving target and I haven even had a shot yet so I will critic your last entry. The link is dead and it doesn’t appear to be on your Pigmy Beat page? So I’ll just go with the lyrics and imagine them working around the sewer song progression.

This is a great stream of consciousness pouring out over a Saturday night. There are some beautiful phrases in this song and they accumulate into a vivid portrait. I also like the reiteration and recombination that summon up slightly different images – very beat poetry or chaos feedback algorithm (depending on your vintage! Actually the whole piece is very reminiscent of Brechtian lyrics – vicious and ‘of the street’ but still with a type of beauty.

Idol I am not sure if you submitted or just reviewed – I maybe blind but I did not see any lyrics or links for your work this month. If I have missed you out then let me know and I will review your stuff this week.

Thank you all for your feedback on Vampire Love and your latitude with my tardiness in these review – my body, family, car and computer now all seem in perfect health – what a fortnight!

Big Cheers (nere I say big Up) for Dave

Burt
 
Sorry I've been so slow with the reviews I've been busy in the studio. It's one of those rare times when someone is actually paying me to make music. :)

Here is what I have so far more to come soon.

Vampire Love

I like the theme the dark imagery and the underlying metaphors. I'm a sucker for a good vampire story. It also works the good girls always fall for the bad guys angle which everybody can relate to in some way or another. Verse 3 is one of those that makes me jealous that I didn't write it. I also like the mid 8. I think it wraps thing up really well. You could almost end it there just repeating "You breathe again" a few times.

Your voice is a perfect match for this subject matter. I can't wait to hear a more polished version. Good stuff.


When you get to where You're going.

You did kind of skirt the rules a bit with the he said she said trick. =)
I'll let it pass though since it's such a great song.

I found myself getting upset at the characters wondering if they love each other what the hell are they doing? Why is she going why isn't he asking her to stay? You get the feeling that they could make it work but if she leaves it will never be the same. So excellent job of telling a story and making is seem so real.

There are a few parts where I felt the rhythm was forced a little bit but it's hard to say without hearing it. I hear this song with minimal instrumentation maybe just vocals and acoustic guitar.

The Dream

I like the twist of the wife being the solider returning home from war. It's not until the "She served her country" line that you really understand whats going on. I think that's Ok though because it creates an impact moment when you get it.

I like the contrast of the cheerful melody and the sad subject matter. It creates a nice contrast. The whole thing creates a kind of confusing experience because some of the song is happy. (she mad it home safely) Some of it is sad (war sucks) The melody is cheerful and lighthearted. I find myself not knowing exactly how to feel when I listen to it. Which is kind of cool because I can imagine the characters sitting down at breakfast together early in the morning and not knowing exactly how to feel. Maybe reading into it too much but if that was your intent excellent work. =)
 
http://www.soundclick.com/util/getplayer.m3u?id=6409835&q=hi
Sorry about the link.
A few Soundclick links soured yesterday. I'll have to check any others I have - it's very frustrating to click & go nowhere slowly.
Lithgow by the Sea - well it certainly is at the moment - 5 days of rain & southerlies in the school hols. & no let up in sight. Bulli Pass closed for a month & all traffic detoured up/down the 60 km max single carriageway coast road. A hail storm that shredded every green thing & to top it off in my tiny section of the world (a neighbourhood of only 7 homes) 1 home being built, 1 renovated, & three sep. giant gums damaged by storm, careless plumbers & white ants being, taken down, mulched, segmented, removed ALL AT ONCE!
BUT it's the HOLS anyway.
I'm a dyed in the wool Westie living in rubberneck/waxhead heaven working with bogans amongst a mob of ferals. I'll have to go down the frogg'n to the rubberty dud for a glass or cheer after that Hardie Ferodo whinge.
 
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Good tune Ray - I like the melody and lyrics Terry has written for the piece. :)
 
rayc said:
I'm a dyed in the wool Westie living in rubberneck/waxhead heaven working with bogans amongst a mob of ferals. I'll have to go down the frogg'n to the rubberty dud for a glass or cheer after that Hardie Ferodo whinge.
Click to expand...

Who would have thought we speak the same language? I know what you just said, I wonder who else does? The Gong sounds like it is getting the rough end of the pineapple.

Really enjoyed song once I got link up. I’d love to hear it really kick off somewhere after ‘Get in a fight’ with some drums and much dirtier guitar.I like the busy bass following the melody, really interesting choices made.
 
Thanks, folks!

Thanks for all the great feedback on all the songs. As for mine, "When You Get to Where You're Going", here's some background on the lyrics. I'm sad to say that the song is based on an actual conversation. In fact, the convesation took place between myself and my new wife. We currently live in Houston, TX, but she's been longing to go back to Burleson, TX which is outside of Ft. Worth. For those who don't know where Ft. Worth is, it's next to Dallas.) Without getting into details, life doesn't always follow art, and, while she will be moving back in a matter of weeks, I will not be following her any time soon. This was one of the hardest songs I've ever written, and one of the reasons I haven't recorded even an a capella version (I don't play an instrument) is that I really can't make it through the entire song before breaking down. The "reality" of the lyrics is also the reason why some of the lines may seem forced, it's not easy making ryhmes from an actual conversation. The song is also, ironically, why I haven't sent in my own critiques of any else's songs...my sincerest apologies for that, but life is keeping me busy enough right now and I'm just unable to give the critiques the attention they so duly deserve from me. I am moving into a new apartment at the end of this month and that's taking up all my spare time.

Jeff
 
Wow really sorry to hear that Jeff. I hope everything works out. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
 
Well Jeff I hope everything works out in the end. Your lyrics are evidence that real life situations really lend themselves to writing meaningful lyrics. :o
 
Incredibly brave of you to write a song with such honesty. I hope it all works out for you and that the time apart can bring you back together. Good luck mate.

Burt
 
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