Whatmysay
New member
Cheers Ray - fuller arrangemnt in the works
Cheers Ray - fuller arrangemnt in the works
rayc
retroreprobate
Whatmysay,
I quite like the sparseness - please don't add to much - but then again, as long as you can subtract what ends up supurfluous it should be OK.
Gecko ZZed,
Have a go if you like - can't hurt & might be fabulous.
I quite like the sparseness - please don't add to much - but then again, as long as you can subtract what ends up supurfluous it should be OK.
Gecko ZZed,
Have a go if you like - can't hurt & might be fabulous.
J
jdblessing1970
New member
Interesting lyrics, tho less third person than even MY lyrics, which WAS the challenge for this month. That aside, I'm wondering about the title...since the song is less about a sewer and more like a circus, wouldn't it be more apt to call it "Circus Song" or even "Sewer Circus"? Just a thought.
up-fiddler
Taming the World--for now
up-fiddler's critiques (fwiw)
The idea of the Challenges has been to provide everyone who participates with ideas and honesty which will help them improve their craft. By participating you agree to look, listen, and critique everyone else’s effort. In return, you receive the same critiques from everyone else to give you a nonbiased opinion of your work.
Whatmysay’s Vampire Love
The melody for these lyrics fits perfectly. The imagery is so vivid that this would make a GREAT video. As a finished product I can hear strings, drums, and the same driving piano that you have in the rough take. I like this version of the Challenge in that I can hear what is going through the writer’s head when developing the lyrics. The chorus is a perfect example. While it doesn’t read very melodically when I listen to the recording it seems perfect. I especially like the emphasis on “Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” to lead in to the chorus lines. (It also emphasizes the third person which WAS the Challenge for April.) I am also very big on first verses. This one sets the song up well without giving any of the storyline away. It draws the listener in and that is always a good thing. Nice effort. Consider the video version just for the rest of us. (smiles wickedly)
JDBlessing’s When You Get to Where You’re Going
What I like best in this song is the repetition and rearranging of the concept of ‘Taking’. Taking things in the prechorus, children in the chorus, and his heart in the last verse. It brings an added measure of sorrow to the song. I don’t know if that was your intent but that’s the way it struck me. I would like the lyrics to be a bit more ‘sing-song’ or rhythmic in nature. Some of the lines seem forced (Ex. To do what you need to do.) but they would clean up easily enough. . I would like to hear how it sings out though before I heaped too much criticism on that point. You continue to show us that your strength is in the storyline and this song is no exception. A fine story with a beginning, middle, and end with drama in between. That’s the way I like them.
Yonce N Mild’s Perfect Time
I like the repetition on the choruses. I also love the concept of an innate rhythm that only he can hear or feel. It works on several levels for me. The literal idea of internal music fits well with the song and the ‘guitar gets the girl’ theme. Metaphorically, the idea of keeping perfect time and rhythm in his mind can allude to several different themes outside of the song or the situation in the bar. If that was your intent, it was a great one. If I misunderstand, then that’s not unusual and I apologize. The second verse seems to imply that there is more to the song than meets the eye (or ear). I like this song because, while telling a straightforward story, there is also a hint of loneliness left up to the listener to interpret. The last verses appear to have a different meter of pattern than the first two. Does the melody change or are the words just ‘sung to fit’? Nice job.
cnix’s He’s The One
Right off…..I am a huge fan of contemporary Gospel music. This song fits in that genre perfectly. I like the vocal treatment (countermelody and echoes) of the second verse LOTS. I would like to hear it in the first verse as well. It would fit quite nicely with the bridge also. Maybe even nicer than the first verse but I would have to hear it both ways to decide. Nice song with many Christian clichés. Normally clichés are to be carefully considered before including them in a song but this genre almost demands them. LOTS of repetition in choruses for audience participation are also something I would consider if this song were mine. Great song on a timeless topic. The key change at the bridge doesn’t work well for me. It seems to rob the song of much of its power. Perhaps try reworking that portion but that’s just my thoughts on it.
Gecko zzed’s house
This song seems to fall way outside of the third person theme of the Challenge. Still, since it’s here I will be happy to give an honest critique. The imagery in this tune is powerful from front to back. It is the strongest point of this song and a good indicator of your skill level as a writer. I also like the fact that you give us plenty to think about in this now vacant house but you don’t give away the story. The listener is left to their own device as to what happened here or what may have happened here. The powerful images in the chorus provoke thought a prediction on many levels. Nice effort. I would like to hear how the melody enhances the song.
Ray c’s Sewer Song
Again….the Challenge was to write a song in third person. Again, as long as it is in this thread I will give an honest critique. I listened to your Soundclick sketch and tried to let the lyrics seek their own melody by reading and repeating them over the rhythm line you have there. Several melodies came to mind. I can definitely hear this with an Industrial background though. The lyric and images would go very well in that genre. Not to say that your spacey etc. doesn’t work. I was just imagining how a heavy industrial background would make the lyrics stand out even more. Another thing that stands out for me is the fact that you have no chorus. It’s DIFFICULT to write a good song without a chorus but you seem to have pulled it off nicely here. I may be too dull to follow the storyline in this one but I can’t. Personally I would need a couple more clues as to where this one is headed. The imagery is great but it only speaks to me in snippets. (Or maybe I just don’t get it.)
The idea of the Challenges has been to provide everyone who participates with ideas and honesty which will help them improve their craft. By participating you agree to look, listen, and critique everyone else’s effort. In return, you receive the same critiques from everyone else to give you a nonbiased opinion of your work.
Whatmysay’s Vampire Love
The melody for these lyrics fits perfectly. The imagery is so vivid that this would make a GREAT video. As a finished product I can hear strings, drums, and the same driving piano that you have in the rough take. I like this version of the Challenge in that I can hear what is going through the writer’s head when developing the lyrics. The chorus is a perfect example. While it doesn’t read very melodically when I listen to the recording it seems perfect. I especially like the emphasis on “Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” to lead in to the chorus lines. (It also emphasizes the third person which WAS the Challenge for April.) I am also very big on first verses. This one sets the song up well without giving any of the storyline away. It draws the listener in and that is always a good thing. Nice effort. Consider the video version just for the rest of us. (smiles wickedly)
JDBlessing’s When You Get to Where You’re Going
What I like best in this song is the repetition and rearranging of the concept of ‘Taking’. Taking things in the prechorus, children in the chorus, and his heart in the last verse. It brings an added measure of sorrow to the song. I don’t know if that was your intent but that’s the way it struck me. I would like the lyrics to be a bit more ‘sing-song’ or rhythmic in nature. Some of the lines seem forced (Ex. To do what you need to do.) but they would clean up easily enough. . I would like to hear how it sings out though before I heaped too much criticism on that point. You continue to show us that your strength is in the storyline and this song is no exception. A fine story with a beginning, middle, and end with drama in between. That’s the way I like them.
Yonce N Mild’s Perfect Time
I like the repetition on the choruses. I also love the concept of an innate rhythm that only he can hear or feel. It works on several levels for me. The literal idea of internal music fits well with the song and the ‘guitar gets the girl’ theme. Metaphorically, the idea of keeping perfect time and rhythm in his mind can allude to several different themes outside of the song or the situation in the bar. If that was your intent, it was a great one. If I misunderstand, then that’s not unusual and I apologize. The second verse seems to imply that there is more to the song than meets the eye (or ear). I like this song because, while telling a straightforward story, there is also a hint of loneliness left up to the listener to interpret. The last verses appear to have a different meter of pattern than the first two. Does the melody change or are the words just ‘sung to fit’? Nice job.
cnix’s He’s The One
Right off…..I am a huge fan of contemporary Gospel music. This song fits in that genre perfectly. I like the vocal treatment (countermelody and echoes) of the second verse LOTS. I would like to hear it in the first verse as well. It would fit quite nicely with the bridge also. Maybe even nicer than the first verse but I would have to hear it both ways to decide. Nice song with many Christian clichés. Normally clichés are to be carefully considered before including them in a song but this genre almost demands them. LOTS of repetition in choruses for audience participation are also something I would consider if this song were mine. Great song on a timeless topic. The key change at the bridge doesn’t work well for me. It seems to rob the song of much of its power. Perhaps try reworking that portion but that’s just my thoughts on it.
Gecko zzed’s house
This song seems to fall way outside of the third person theme of the Challenge. Still, since it’s here I will be happy to give an honest critique. The imagery in this tune is powerful from front to back. It is the strongest point of this song and a good indicator of your skill level as a writer. I also like the fact that you give us plenty to think about in this now vacant house but you don’t give away the story. The listener is left to their own device as to what happened here or what may have happened here. The powerful images in the chorus provoke thought a prediction on many levels. Nice effort. I would like to hear how the melody enhances the song.
Ray c’s Sewer Song
Again….the Challenge was to write a song in third person. Again, as long as it is in this thread I will give an honest critique. I listened to your Soundclick sketch and tried to let the lyrics seek their own melody by reading and repeating them over the rhythm line you have there. Several melodies came to mind. I can definitely hear this with an Industrial background though. The lyric and images would go very well in that genre. Not to say that your spacey etc. doesn’t work. I was just imagining how a heavy industrial background would make the lyrics stand out even more. Another thing that stands out for me is the fact that you have no chorus. It’s DIFFICULT to write a good song without a chorus but you seem to have pulled it off nicely here. I may be too dull to follow the storyline in this one but I can’t. Personally I would need a couple more clues as to where this one is headed. The imagery is great but it only speaks to me in snippets. (Or maybe I just don’t get it.)
rayc
retroreprobate
Up Fiddler is on the money re my piece - I got excited & forgot the point of the exercise was 3rd person - sorry.
I've re-sketched a lyric in third person to make amends but I, yet again, haven't found a fulcrum for a chorus - still working on that - this sdoes have more of a narrative than the sewer thingo (that wouldn't be hard eh?):
The Master’s Gone Away.
The sheets were grey, Where the body had lain,
And the room was filled with shadow.
The morning had come, With the birth of the sun,
But the mind of the master lay fallow.
The evening had died, But no mourner had cried,
At the coming of past day’s tomorrow.
Of the remnants remained, On the sheet but a stain,
And the impression of leaving was shallow.
But the master had gone, Departed he with the Dawn,
And no-one cried save the sparrow.
For ne’er had it flown, From its high leafy thrown,
Lest Death come on the wings of an arrow.
And the master, ‘twas said, Of sparrow had fed,
Taking ill of its fears and its sorrow.
But from his death bed, With wings he had fled,
And Death rode in the soul that was hollow.
And the bird took a place, In past time and space,
Retribution for that which was borrowed…
cochrane
I've re-sketched a lyric in third person to make amends but I, yet again, haven't found a fulcrum for a chorus - still working on that - this sdoes have more of a narrative than the sewer thingo (that wouldn't be hard eh?):
The Master’s Gone Away.
The sheets were grey, Where the body had lain,
And the room was filled with shadow.
The morning had come, With the birth of the sun,
But the mind of the master lay fallow.
The evening had died, But no mourner had cried,
At the coming of past day’s tomorrow.
Of the remnants remained, On the sheet but a stain,
And the impression of leaving was shallow.
But the master had gone, Departed he with the Dawn,
And no-one cried save the sparrow.
For ne’er had it flown, From its high leafy thrown,
Lest Death come on the wings of an arrow.
And the master, ‘twas said, Of sparrow had fed,
Taking ill of its fears and its sorrow.
But from his death bed, With wings he had fled,
And Death rode in the soul that was hollow.
And the bird took a place, In past time and space,
Retribution for that which was borrowed…
cochrane
ido1957
9K Gold Member
Excellent Ray - Good story and imagery of a somewhat disliked master and his sparrow. I always admire your skill in writing lyrics - they are high quality with mature language that is similar to the great poets I have read a bit of. When combined with your music they come to life in a very original way.
I'm getting a 3/4 time beat from reading these and it reminds me of The Wreck of the Edmiund Fitzgerald in that respect. Have you had any ideas for the music yet? Have you gotten your computer back yet????
rayc
retroreprobate
Jdblessing’s When You Get to Where You’re Going is an excellent piece of lyrical storytelling complete with complication & trick resolution. My brain automatically pegs it as modern country - though perhaps in the line of Ray's Charles' Modern Country album rather than the faux rock with country licks that seems to define country with out the western these days.
Gecko Zked's House almost reminds me of the Dust Bowl observations by Gutherie et al. It's not a set of lyrics that'd suit country, rock or jazz to my mind. Definetly in the Folk or Folk Rock line. In the stanza:
"cobwebs drape like lace
from broken chandeliers,
where curtains grey as shrouds,
hang with jagged tears"
Is that "tears" as in boo hoo or tears as in ripped? The 1st 2 lines a fabulous & the only thing holding me up on the folowing is the ambiguity that'd be resolved by a audio reading of the line or your clarification. Interesting that we both have lines about the game!!
Regardless of that little quibble the images sketched in the lines are vivid ones and I look forward to hearing the song!
Ido, thanks for the compliment - but it is I who kneel defore your honest & emotive lyricism.
Gecko Zked's House almost reminds me of the Dust Bowl observations by Gutherie et al. It's not a set of lyrics that'd suit country, rock or jazz to my mind. Definetly in the Folk or Folk Rock line. In the stanza:
"cobwebs drape like lace
from broken chandeliers,
where curtains grey as shrouds,
hang with jagged tears"
Is that "tears" as in boo hoo or tears as in ripped? The 1st 2 lines a fabulous & the only thing holding me up on the folowing is the ambiguity that'd be resolved by a audio reading of the line or your clarification. Interesting that we both have lines about the game!!
Regardless of that little quibble the images sketched in the lines are vivid ones and I look forward to hearing the song!
Ido, thanks for the compliment - but it is I who kneel defore your honest & emotive lyricism.
eyema_believer
Bondservant
This excersize looks fun, but I'm lost... er... sort of....
Ray, are these new lyrics for your song, or someone else's lyrics?
Forgive the silly questions... Each of you is writing very nicely, I might add. I will be watching yous guys on here....
Peace!
~Shawn
rayc
retroreprobate
It's a newer lyric by me for the chord progression of sewer song Shawn, (though they may not fit well & could be considered merely as a lyric not wedded to the chords), as the previous wasn't within the context of the exercise for the month - ie: 3rd person.
I had to dig up & revise something on hand to meet the criterion.
I had to dig up & revise something on hand to meet the criterion.
Last edited:
Whatmysay
New member
Sorry for my tardiness in reviews - have been playing ‘tag-flu’ with wife and daughters for 2 weeks - Vit C finally staring to work and first full night sleep in a week - will crack on with reviews next week.
Dave I think I have been living in the video of Vampire Love the last few days - so I have got some good visuals in mind.
Cheers
Burt
Dave I think I have been living in the video of Vampire Love the last few days - so I have got some good visuals in mind.
Cheers
Burt
up-fiddler
Taming the World--for now
Ray - I like both sets of lyrics. The pen is indeed mightier than the sword. (As long as it's your pen and not mine!
)
eyema_believer
Bondservant
Ray - I like both sets of lyrics. The pen is indeed mightier than the sword. (As long as it's your pen and not mine!
up-fiddler,
I just had to laugh at myself.... last night I was reading this thread.... I looked at your screen name... said to self... "hmmm.... up-fiddler... must be he's not down...." .... and then of course it hit me.... yew pee fiddler!!!!!
Duh.... you know how stupid us "trolls" can be at times!
Peace!
~Shawn
PS... for those who don't live in Michigan... a "troll" is someone who lives "under the bridge," aka in the Lower Peninsula..
up-fiddler
Taming the World--for now
up-fiddler,
I just had to laugh at myself.... last night I was reading this thread.... I looked at your screen name... said to self... "hmmm.... up-fiddler... must be he's not down...." .... and then of course it hit me.... yew pee fiddler!!!!!
Duh.... you know how stupid us "trolls" can be at times!
Peace!
~Shawn
PS... for those who don't live in Michigan... a "troll" is someone who lives "under the bridge," aka in the Lower Peninsula..
Say "Yah to da U.P. Eh?"
gecko zzed
Grumpy Mod
"Tears", as in boo hoo, rhymes with "chandeliers", but "tears", as in ripped, is what would hang jaggedly. It is the latter that I had in mind, though I sing it to rhyme with "chandeliers", allowing the ambiguity to creep into the audio as well! I can live with the ambiguity, because the idea of curtains hanging in jagged (boo hoo) tears is kind of interesting as well.
eyema_believer
Bondservant
A real life Yooper at HR!
cnix
New member
Thanks again to Up-Fiddler for orchestrating this challenge, and for being the first to put up reviews. Sorry for taking so long to submit my thoughts on the songs this month.
Whatmysay - Vampire Love
No first person here, you passed rule #1 for this challenge. I love your melody, in the verses, chorus, and the bridge, very nice. When I read your lyrics before listening, I was wondering how you would make them fit, some really short lines verses some long lines, but upon hearing, it fit very nice. Others have mentioned dark, but I do not hear that at all. With you leading at the piano, I think Elton John, with a band, orchestra and lots of background singers. Ever since I listened, I can't get "She loves the vampire love" out of my mind. Good job.
Jdblessing - When You get to Where You're Going
I believe the rule 1 was stretched here. Since there was no recording, I had to read a few times to try and get a feel for the song. I was having trouble getting a feel for the song going from the verse to the pre chorus and chorus until I combined lines 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 of the chorus and then they seemed to fit together very good. This is a very good story and well written.
I picture a Nashville style male contempory country singer with his band performing this song. It would make a nice video. Nice.
Younce N Mild - Perfect Time
No first person here, good job. I may be wrong, but to me it speaks of someone who is down and out and has hit rock bottom. Even though he is all alone, bottom of the barrel, he knows in his heart he is not a loser and just needs a second chance, second chance at love and life, and it comes along. This is well written and with no recording, I can hear something like the "Eagles" style of song. Good song
up-fiddler - The Dream
No first person here, but I did not expect any from you on this one. I like the instrumation going on here leading me to believe this is not a raw version, rather a complete version. I really liked the room you created for the individual instruments scattered throughout the song, plus, they were played very well. The writing is very good and I like your story, especially now with the situation all over the world. You have a good melody working, both on the verses, chorus and bridge. I would have liked the chorus stand out a little more vocally than the verse, could be as easy as adjusting the volume on the chorus to bring it out more to better define the chorus. Overall, very nice job.
gecko-zzed - house
This is another song that is open for interperation. For me, I gather this is about someone in the past that was an important person. He was a very successful person in his business, whatever that was, but regardless how rich, strong or powerful someone is, when its their time to go, thats it. We may think we can live forever and the good times will always roll, but life is short, and we will leave it all behind. All that remains here are the reminants of what we once had. This is a good song, well written, and I liked the verses and the chorus very much. Without a recording, I am still trying to figure out what it sounds like in my mind. It keeps coming a ballad to me, but not sure of an artist. Good job.
rayc - Sewer SongWell, you broke the #1 rule on this one. The title is well named for the lyrics. When I read you lyrics, I see 5 verses and no chorus, which can be OK depending on how the melody goes, but wonder if it would be better to have a chorus. Maybe I am missing something here, if so, you can let me know. I listened to your music for the song, but I don't feel it. I picture this song totally different. Every night on Letterman and Leno there is a band at the end of their show to sign off and play out the time slot. Most of these bands are rockers playing @ 150 to 160, and I think your song fits that style. I think they would have a ball playing your song. I actually think this is a very deep song with a lot of thought and possible hidden meanings.
Thanks it folks, hope I haven't offended anyone too much. I know I am showing my age with the likes of Elton John and the Eagles, but what can I do, but it sure beats the alternative!!
Charlie
Whatmysay - Vampire Love
No first person here, you passed rule #1 for this challenge. I love your melody, in the verses, chorus, and the bridge, very nice. When I read your lyrics before listening, I was wondering how you would make them fit, some really short lines verses some long lines, but upon hearing, it fit very nice. Others have mentioned dark, but I do not hear that at all. With you leading at the piano, I think Elton John, with a band, orchestra and lots of background singers. Ever since I listened, I can't get "She loves the vampire love" out of my mind. Good job.
Jdblessing - When You get to Where You're Going
I believe the rule 1 was stretched here. Since there was no recording, I had to read a few times to try and get a feel for the song. I was having trouble getting a feel for the song going from the verse to the pre chorus and chorus until I combined lines 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 of the chorus and then they seemed to fit together very good. This is a very good story and well written.
I picture a Nashville style male contempory country singer with his band performing this song. It would make a nice video. Nice.
Younce N Mild - Perfect Time
No first person here, good job. I may be wrong, but to me it speaks of someone who is down and out and has hit rock bottom. Even though he is all alone, bottom of the barrel, he knows in his heart he is not a loser and just needs a second chance, second chance at love and life, and it comes along. This is well written and with no recording, I can hear something like the "Eagles" style of song. Good song
up-fiddler - The Dream
No first person here, but I did not expect any from you on this one. I like the instrumation going on here leading me to believe this is not a raw version, rather a complete version. I really liked the room you created for the individual instruments scattered throughout the song, plus, they were played very well. The writing is very good and I like your story, especially now with the situation all over the world. You have a good melody working, both on the verses, chorus and bridge. I would have liked the chorus stand out a little more vocally than the verse, could be as easy as adjusting the volume on the chorus to bring it out more to better define the chorus. Overall, very nice job.
gecko-zzed - house
This is another song that is open for interperation. For me, I gather this is about someone in the past that was an important person. He was a very successful person in his business, whatever that was, but regardless how rich, strong or powerful someone is, when its their time to go, thats it. We may think we can live forever and the good times will always roll, but life is short, and we will leave it all behind. All that remains here are the reminants of what we once had. This is a good song, well written, and I liked the verses and the chorus very much. Without a recording, I am still trying to figure out what it sounds like in my mind. It keeps coming a ballad to me, but not sure of an artist. Good job.
rayc - Sewer SongWell, you broke the #1 rule on this one. The title is well named for the lyrics. When I read you lyrics, I see 5 verses and no chorus, which can be OK depending on how the melody goes, but wonder if it would be better to have a chorus. Maybe I am missing something here, if so, you can let me know. I listened to your music for the song, but I don't feel it. I picture this song totally different. Every night on Letterman and Leno there is a band at the end of their show to sign off and play out the time slot. Most of these bands are rockers playing @ 150 to 160, and I think your song fits that style. I think they would have a ball playing your song. I actually think this is a very deep song with a lot of thought and possible hidden meanings.
Thanks it folks, hope I haven't offended anyone too much. I know I am showing my age with the likes of Elton John and the Eagles, but what can I do, but it sure beats the alternative!!
Charlie
rayc
retroreprobate
Gecko Zzed,
Yep the ambiguity works. I listened to your myspace linked song - the link is wrong as it has http// twice you should edit out both http's & it works well.
The song excellent - a bit Tom waites in the vocal & a music but the slide/steel & a couple of elements mark it as more australian than tom.
Re the tear tear bit you could, for the sake of rhyme modify the line to
where eyes are shrouded with a curtain of tears or
where eyes are curtained
with a shroud of jagged tears.
Regardless - I really like the whole song & treatment.
cnix - you've made a couple of excellent points for me to ponder. Ta!
Yep the ambiguity works. I listened to your myspace linked song - the link is wrong as it has http// twice you should edit out both http's & it works well.
The song excellent - a bit Tom waites in the vocal & a music but the slide/steel & a couple of elements mark it as more australian than tom.
Re the tear tear bit you could, for the sake of rhyme modify the line to
where eyes are shrouded with a curtain of tears or
where eyes are curtained
with a shroud of jagged tears.
Regardless - I really like the whole song & treatment.
cnix - you've made a couple of excellent points for me to ponder. Ta!
gecko zzed
Grumpy Mod
Whatmysays Vampire Love
I have a soft spot for vampire tales, so I have an immediate affinity for these lyrics. Irrespective of the gothic imagery, the song makes a good metaphor for human relationships generally. I think the writing is pretty strong and convincing.
I wonder about the third line in the first verse, where we see 'demon' and then 'devil', where (though I normally advocate variety) a repeated 'devil' might have a sharper edge.
I particularly like the middle 8, i.e.:
"With only pain for company
In a world where no one stays
It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy
You feel the pain
You breathe again"
These lines are very strong! Well done!
Jdblessing’s When You Get to Where You’re Going
I like songs where we get two views, i.e. "he said/she said". I've used this technique myself, and sometimes attract criticism because I don't always specifiy who is saying what, which makes it ambiguous. However, there is no ambiguity in your lyrics. Here I read the whole sad tale, so you've done pretty well to condense the history of a relationship into in the space of a few verses.
Yonce N Mild’s Perfect Time
The first verse is excellent, and holds the sort of imagery that I find unusual and exciting: "burning eyes", "troubled bones" and "broken megaphone". Great!
Later we hear about "verses of penitence", again adding to the richness of this song.
On the other hand, we have a brief lapse into the mundane with "old guitar", "dusty from the road" and "smoky from the bars". These are more common images, and I was kind of hoping for a continuation of the originality.
I expect, though, that here is a case where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.
up-fiddler’s The Dream
c.Dave Morehouse 2008
The link to the music
Here, in my view, is a great twist to the "returned soldier" theme. Normally, we hear about the bloke who has been away while the wife waits as patient as Penelope. In this case, it seems the heroine has been slaying dragons and wrestling alligators, to return safely. I like the subtle suggestion that all is not well. There is a veneer of reclaimed domesticity, "she cooks his breakfast", but underneath this, the trauma of warfare lurks, "he can't help her", to trouble her dreams. I think this is a very good piece of writing, where strength emerges through subtlety and understatement.
cnix’s He’s The One
I'll say right off that I am not keen on music with religious themes, so I have to fight my prejudices a bit with this one.
As a literary exercise, I have read better. The phrases used are not highly original, and a glance through any hymn book will reveal very similar. Having said that, as a hymn it is great, because it does all the things a good hymn should do, i.e. exalting the Saviour and all things good.
I do like very much this line: "he broke the chains of every sin". My (admittedly limited) knowledge of hymnody doesn't bring to mind many instances of "chains", except for the Reverend Davis who says ""My dungeon was shook, my chains dropped off" in "I hear the Angels Singing".
rayc's Sewer Song
From the selection of songs, this is the one that appeals to me the most. This is incredibly rich with unusual and vivid imagery. It is a canvas of the weird, like a Bosch painting, as opposed to the linear narrative of a ballad. "Clay cast menagerie", "truncated lover", "red cellophane eyelight", "preach gangrenous love" . . . we have here a treasure trove of wonderfully evocative images. These lyrics seiously impress me!
rayc's The Master's gone away
I think this set of lyrics is meant to be included, so I'll have a quick look at these as well. This song brings to mind medieval ballads, and has a form vaguely similar. It is a much more linear set than "the sewer song", but retains the same haunting ambiguity. I like the unstated mystery that shrouds this brief glimpse of a misty mausoleum and a vanished master. Again there is great wordcraft: "the mind of the master lay fallow", "Death rode in the soul that was hollow". Well done!!
I have a soft spot for vampire tales, so I have an immediate affinity for these lyrics. Irrespective of the gothic imagery, the song makes a good metaphor for human relationships generally. I think the writing is pretty strong and convincing.
I wonder about the third line in the first verse, where we see 'demon' and then 'devil', where (though I normally advocate variety) a repeated 'devil' might have a sharper edge.
I particularly like the middle 8, i.e.:
"With only pain for company
In a world where no one stays
It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy
You feel the pain
You breathe again"
These lines are very strong! Well done!
Jdblessing’s When You Get to Where You’re Going
I like songs where we get two views, i.e. "he said/she said". I've used this technique myself, and sometimes attract criticism because I don't always specifiy who is saying what, which makes it ambiguous. However, there is no ambiguity in your lyrics. Here I read the whole sad tale, so you've done pretty well to condense the history of a relationship into in the space of a few verses.
Yonce N Mild’s Perfect Time
The first verse is excellent, and holds the sort of imagery that I find unusual and exciting: "burning eyes", "troubled bones" and "broken megaphone". Great!
Later we hear about "verses of penitence", again adding to the richness of this song.
On the other hand, we have a brief lapse into the mundane with "old guitar", "dusty from the road" and "smoky from the bars". These are more common images, and I was kind of hoping for a continuation of the originality.
I expect, though, that here is a case where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.
up-fiddler’s The Dream
c.Dave Morehouse 2008
The link to the music
Here, in my view, is a great twist to the "returned soldier" theme. Normally, we hear about the bloke who has been away while the wife waits as patient as Penelope. In this case, it seems the heroine has been slaying dragons and wrestling alligators, to return safely. I like the subtle suggestion that all is not well. There is a veneer of reclaimed domesticity, "she cooks his breakfast", but underneath this, the trauma of warfare lurks, "he can't help her", to trouble her dreams. I think this is a very good piece of writing, where strength emerges through subtlety and understatement.
cnix’s He’s The One
I'll say right off that I am not keen on music with religious themes, so I have to fight my prejudices a bit with this one.
As a literary exercise, I have read better. The phrases used are not highly original, and a glance through any hymn book will reveal very similar. Having said that, as a hymn it is great, because it does all the things a good hymn should do, i.e. exalting the Saviour and all things good.
I do like very much this line: "he broke the chains of every sin". My (admittedly limited) knowledge of hymnody doesn't bring to mind many instances of "chains", except for the Reverend Davis who says ""My dungeon was shook, my chains dropped off" in "I hear the Angels Singing".
rayc's Sewer Song
From the selection of songs, this is the one that appeals to me the most. This is incredibly rich with unusual and vivid imagery. It is a canvas of the weird, like a Bosch painting, as opposed to the linear narrative of a ballad. "Clay cast menagerie", "truncated lover", "red cellophane eyelight", "preach gangrenous love" . . . we have here a treasure trove of wonderfully evocative images. These lyrics seiously impress me!
rayc's The Master's gone away
I think this set of lyrics is meant to be included, so I'll have a quick look at these as well. This song brings to mind medieval ballads, and has a form vaguely similar. It is a much more linear set than "the sewer song", but retains the same haunting ambiguity. I like the unstated mystery that shrouds this brief glimpse of a misty mausoleum and a vanished master. Again there is great wordcraft: "the mind of the master lay fallow", "Death rode in the soul that was hollow". Well done!!
rayc
retroreprobate
Yonce N Mild’s Perfect Time. This works well & could be a country rock or Chicago Blues soong - the latter would reflect the story to my interpretation but that may be too close a thing too.
I really like the mix of old blues peddler & more hip hop/rap through the megaphone idea - could be an old tin job or a battery job. Nice images.
My only quibble is with the chorus - I can't get the it lines to roll in my brain. I'm sure a recording or syllable scan would clear that up - but as written words I trip over this bit each time.
Up Fiddler's song - The Dream
A song for the times indeed - a twist on the Viet/Gulf War/Iraqi Vet & those they are close to struggling to get to grips with "reality". Real acknowledgement of the frustration of the partner, of the difficult rubbing edges between sympathy & empathy too. Pity the WW1 & 2 vets didn't get the same - they got gratitude but not much else.I think this is great & the musical form is really up for grabs but I'd hate to see it bogged down in cliched country as that would weaken it's impact. I think this really would have a home in folk or, possibly, a (don't laugh) motown tune - not What's Going On excatly more of the soul groove than that - (hey, I came up with these ideas only after reading not listening but since listening I now know you've got the beat & bass line for it - just needs fattening up & some harmony vox.)
Cnix's he's the one
I think the progression and melody are both good though I think a slightly faster bpm wouldn't hurt. The vox are a bit 1D. Lyrically I think it's a little obvious. I know the idea of a worshipful song is to state the commonly held feeling but I figure you could say something a little more personal given the work on the musical accompaniment. The imagery of the Kingdom (balanced only by serfdom), blessed name (most of the song is in modern vernacular and bless/ed jarrs), etc are much abused & need rejuvenation through fresher images ideas. Also the ambiguity or casualness in the use of "the power of the cross" worries me - it's power was as a tool of cruel death & a public example of how "criminals" as defined by the Roman invaders, were treated. It's a savage & brutal image that spoke very different things then to now. I reckon you could rewrite the lyric, keeping the identity for a final reveal. Reference to my dearest friend, etc might work in this subtefuge. You've met the criteria and done a reasonable job of it but you could go further & do so much better with a rewrite. Don't get me wrong, this fits the genre and matches much that is out there and accepted BUT that's half the problem as well.
I really like the mix of old blues peddler & more hip hop/rap through the megaphone idea - could be an old tin job or a battery job. Nice images.
My only quibble is with the chorus - I can't get the it lines to roll in my brain. I'm sure a recording or syllable scan would clear that up - but as written words I trip over this bit each time.
Up Fiddler's song - The Dream
A song for the times indeed - a twist on the Viet/Gulf War/Iraqi Vet & those they are close to struggling to get to grips with "reality". Real acknowledgement of the frustration of the partner, of the difficult rubbing edges between sympathy & empathy too. Pity the WW1 & 2 vets didn't get the same - they got gratitude but not much else.I think this is great & the musical form is really up for grabs but I'd hate to see it bogged down in cliched country as that would weaken it's impact. I think this really would have a home in folk or, possibly, a (don't laugh) motown tune - not What's Going On excatly more of the soul groove than that - (hey, I came up with these ideas only after reading not listening but since listening I now know you've got the beat & bass line for it - just needs fattening up & some harmony vox.)
Cnix's he's the one
I think the progression and melody are both good though I think a slightly faster bpm wouldn't hurt. The vox are a bit 1D. Lyrically I think it's a little obvious. I know the idea of a worshipful song is to state the commonly held feeling but I figure you could say something a little more personal given the work on the musical accompaniment. The imagery of the Kingdom (balanced only by serfdom), blessed name (most of the song is in modern vernacular and bless/ed jarrs), etc are much abused & need rejuvenation through fresher images ideas. Also the ambiguity or casualness in the use of "the power of the cross" worries me - it's power was as a tool of cruel death & a public example of how "criminals" as defined by the Roman invaders, were treated. It's a savage & brutal image that spoke very different things then to now. I reckon you could rewrite the lyric, keeping the identity for a final reveal. Reference to my dearest friend, etc might work in this subtefuge. You've met the criteria and done a reasonable job of it but you could go further & do so much better with a rewrite. Don't get me wrong, this fits the genre and matches much that is out there and accepted BUT that's half the problem as well.
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rayc
retroreprobate
I don't understand the U.P. thing!