Daddy's Girl

[jdblessing1970]

Here's one I just wrote (no, no singing included this time.) It's may work better as a poem than as an actual song, but I'd like opinions on it anyway. The first and second stanza might need to be switched, depending on how it reads... Anyhow, here it is.

Daddy’s Girl
©2009 J.D. Blessing

She sits tall in her chair
And gives him a great big grin
As he ties pink ribbons in her hair
And wipes the dribble from her chin.

When she came into his world
It was plain to see
She was born a Daddy’s Girl
And that’s what she’ll always be.

He remembers the fateful day
Of joy combined with grief
A daughter born, but wife passed away
His life changed beyond belief

That she was a special girl
He soon realized
And he’d make sure she’ll always feel
The love shining in his eyes

No boyfriend will take her from his sight
No suitor come to call
But he knows she’ll be alright,
And she won’t care at all.

Some see only her chair with wheels
But that’s not what he sees
He sees only his Daddy’s girl,
This child with special needs.

She sits tall in her chair
And gives him a great big grin
As he ties pink ribbons in her hair
And wipes the dribble from her chin.

When she came into his world
He knew she came to stay
For she was born a Daddy’s Girl
Ten years ago today.

 

[ido1957]

Death of the wife, handicapped child, never-ending love...

Powerful - invokes lots of emotional responses. Good job....

 

[jdblessing1970]

Thanks. Oh, and I just rewrote the second stanza of the second verse

"Some see only her chair with wheels
But that’s not what he sees
He sees only his Daddy’s girl,
This child with special needs."

I think it better communicates his love for her. I wasn't real happy with his "pleading."

 

[Whatmysay]

This is wonderfully clever; I'm distracted by the death of the mother, then the slightly over protective stanza about boyfriends, the the final stanzas take this to a whole 'nother place.

And 'Daddys Girl' moves from a father's choice to an obligation.

I think it could be a song

Burt

 

[jdblessing1970]

This is wonderfully clever; I'm distracted by the death of the mother, then the slightly over protective stanza about boyfriends, the the final stanzas take this to a whole 'nother place.

And 'Daddys Girl' moves from a father's choice to an obligation.

I think it could be a song

Burt

The distraction was intentional. I wanted the reader/listener to start to say "HUH?" and wonder what exactly is going on. The third verse is meant as the reveal, so now you say "OH, THAT explains it." It's meant to cast everything that was said before in an entirely different light. This song, in part, was inspired by Dave/Upfiddler's song about the man who was dancing in the air. I liked that the song had a twist to the end that the audience wasn't anticipating and wanted to try something like that myself.

 

[up-fiddler]

....This song, in part, was inspired by Dave/Upfiddler's song about the man who was dancing in the air. I liked that the song had a twist to the end that the audience wasn't anticipating and wanted to try something like that myself.

Tried and succeeded. I like the story immensely. It seems a bit wordy and I would try to trim it down some before recording it but I may be way off base with that suggestion. The Gambler and many of Kenny Rogers' stories were very lengthy and he did all right with them. Still I would give it one shot at trimming out anything that could be eliminated without ruining the story. It would make the 'twist' even more pronounced if it came at the listener more quickly. As far as music is concerned I agree with Burt....put it to music. It will be a great song.

 

[jdblessing1970]

Tried and succeeded. I like the story immensely. It seems a bit wordy and I would try to trim it down some before recording it but I may be way off base with that suggestion. The Gambler and many of Kenny Rogers' stories were very lengthy and he did all right with them. Still I would give it one shot at trimming out anything that could be eliminated without ruining the story. It would make the 'twist' even more pronounced if it came at the listener more quickly. As far as music is concerned I agree with Burt....put it to music. It will be a great song.

As a song, I figure it's more of a ballad since there isn't a clear chorus. If I made it as a song with a chorus, the chorus would be either the second stanza of the first verse, or the whole of what is now the first verse. Not really sure how to make the reveal more abrupt, tho, since I wanted to repeat the first verse for affect with the new information. I know that the death of the wife thing may be a bit much, but I see it not so much as a dramatic affect but as a possible clue that not all is well with the child. Upon a second listening of the song, I want the audience to start to wonder if the death of the mother is somehow linked with the child's special needs.

I have a tune in my head for this one as well, but I find portions of the tune strikingly similar to another song I wrote; which is one of my main weaknesses as a "composer"; I tend to write different lyrics for the same dang tunes over and over. Anyway, I'll get my tune recorded and post it here so folks can have a better idea of the flow.

BTW, any of MY kids are up for adoption or fostering...

 

[icystorm]

Here's one I just wrote (no, no singing included this time.) It's may work better as a poem than as an actual song, but I'd like opinions on it anyway.

This is a very moving and powerful set of lyrics, JD.

Joseph

 

[gecko zzed]

I think this set of lyrics has been crafted really well. It takes the form of a short story with a surprise ending.

I expect it would work as a song, and would appeal to many people.

Though I appreciate the effort that went into it, and the skill involved, I am not that keen on it myself. That's because I'm not the tear-jerking kind, and the lyrics seem too carefully contrived to elicit that particular emotional response.

I'd rather make listeners cry by accident, rather than by intent, if that makes sense.

Or maybe I've just had too many grumpy pills today!

 

[up-fiddler]

......Or maybe I've just had too many grumpy pills today!

You gotta stop hanging around with this guy. Uh,oh.....it seems likely that I have taken too many silly pills today.

Seriously, I understand what you are saying geck and I feel both methods work well for songwriters but for different reasons. Your stuff is full and vibrant with cleverness and subtlety in a very good way. You and Jeff both tell great stories but from differing perspectives.

 

[icystorm]

You gotta stop hanging around with this guy. Uh,oh.....it seems likely that I have taken too many silly pills today.

Bah, silly is in. I'm just trying to figure out how to write a classy, respectful song about micro-bikinis and the angelic babes who wear them. Some of the newer trends make dental floss look downright baggy.

I'm thinking a challenge is somewhere in there. Heh.

Cheers,
Joseph

 

[jdblessing1970]

Minor re-write of Daddy's Girl...I've expanded it by one stanza so the final twist doesn't come in the middle of the third stanza but at the beginning of the fourth. Once again, no chorus, so I guess it's more of a ballad.

Daddy’s Girl
©2009 J.D. Blessing

She sits tall in her chair
And gives him a great big grin
As he ties pink ribbons in her hair
And wipes dribble from her chin.
When she came into his world
It was plain to see
She was born a Daddy’s Girl
And that’s what she’ll always be.

He remembers the fateful day
Of joy combined with grief
A daughter born, but wife passed away
His life changed beyond belief
That she was a special girl
He soon realized
He’d make sure she’d always feel
The love shining in his eyes

No boyfriend will take her from his sight
No suitor come to call
But he knows she’ll be alright,
She won’t mind at all.
He knows in his daughter’s heart
He’ll never be replaced
And he knew it from the start
When he first saw her face

Some see only her chair with wheels
But that’s not what he sees
He sees only his Daddy’s girl,
This child with special needs.
When she came into his world
He knew she came to stay
For she was born a Daddy’s Girl
Ten years ago today

She sits tall in her chair
And gives him a great big grin
As he ties pink ribbons in her hair
And wipes dribble from her chin.
When she came into his world
It was plain to see
She was born a Daddy’s Girl
And that’s what she’ll always be.
---------

OK, so instead of making the song shorter, I made it longer. I guess if I HAVE to remove a verse, the second one would be the optional one.