The Entries for February All in One Thread

[up-fiddler]

You do not have to be an entrant to comment and critique this thread. The more the merrier. (And more helpful to all of us.) A special thanks to those who whipped the limerick into submission. By looking at the rest of your submissions I now know that it can be done even though I may have missed the mark. Dave aka up-fiddler

Snowflake
Gecko-zzed

v1
I shuffled in shoes of lead
Forsaking the warmth of bed
The mist hung low
beneath the moon's pale glow
The empty road lay ahead

v2
A streetlight flickers in Morse
A message seen only by moths
Their orbital plight
A suicide flight
A journey that follows no path

ch1
In cloud shredded storm
The snow crystals form
To silently cover the land
And chancing my luck
I reach out and clutch
But the snowflake melts in my hand

v3
I leant against a cold wall
beneath an old red-brick vault
my memories fade
as the light turns grey
the snow . . . began to fall.

ch2
The soles of my shoes
Are nearly worn through
From treading the cracks in the street
My collar is wet
From rain down my neck
From splinters of ice-needle sleet

ch1
In cloud shredded storm
The snow crystals form
To silently cover the land
And chancing my luck
I reach out and clutch
But the snowflake melts in my hand

Just the other day
Whatmysay

Just the other day I saw you walking
You were going down the street to a man you were talking
I hadn’t seen that smile
Not in a while
Just the other day I saw you walking

Just the other the other night I saw you dancing
In your new dress you were there with him
As you caught my eye
You must have seen me cry
Just the other the other night I saw you dancing

And don’t dance well as you light up the room
Lord you dance well I need the way you move, next to me
Like the other day when you were mine

Just the other day I heard your leaving
Got to get away you go this evening
Now I’m running through the town
To stop the Greyhound
Just the other day you left me bleeding

Like the other day when you were mine
When you were mine
Just the other day

Have You Seen Him Sway?
up-fiddler

They came from all over the town
To watch him lightly step round
He would swing so free
As the earth left his feet
They called him Sweet Sammy Brown

Have you seen him swaying in the moonlight?
Have you seen him turning in the air?
He would dance so lightly that he barely touched down
In the bars, on the streets, at the fairs.
He would dance for people everywhere.

He was leaving the bar heading west
Going home for some well deserved rest.
But young Angeline
So pure and so clean,
It was clear, was a maiden obsessed.

Have you seen him swaying in the moonlight?
Have you seen him turning in the air?
He would dance so lightly that he barely touched down
In the bars, on the streets, at the fairs.
He would dance for people everywhere.

He knew better than to drink from that cup.
Forbidden fruit never makes for good sup.
But Angeline showed
Him her secret abode
He was still there when they both woke up.

Have you seen him swaying in the moonlight?
Have you seen him turning in the air?
He would dance so lightly that he barely touched down
In the bars, on the streets, at the fairs.
He would dance for people everywhere.


People pressed in from all over the town
To make Sammy dance yet one more round.
And to help him swing free
They strung him up in a tree
Both his name and his skin was Brown.

Have you seen him swaying in the moonlight?
Have you seen him turning in the air?

Love Of My Life
cnix Entry

Verse 1
She’s the one, that makes my heart sing.
She lights up the room, like flowers in Spring.
And from the start---She captured my heart
She is the one who's wearing my ring.

Verse 2
We married that year it was mid July
We shared our love, which none could deny
That’s the day---I’ll remember always
The joy on her face, the and the tears in her eye

Chorus
She’s more than a woman.
She’s more than a wife.
She’s more than a best friend.
She’s the love of my life.
And down through the years.
We shared laughter and tears
She’s more than a best friend.
She’s the love of my life, the love of my life.

Verse 3
After all these years, I still love her so.
The love we share, continues to grow.
It’s our desire---To kindle the fire
Of the flame we lit, years ago

Chorus
Bridge
Love that is forgiving, Love that is kind,
Love that last forever, Till the end of time.

Chorus

Blue Eyes Blues
Thestuckup Entry (Lyrics only)

Sitting painfully still as I stare past the tube
While you move in unlady like manner just daring me to make a move
But these pins in my feet hold the floor
As our time makes its way out the door
Oh if only the changing of channels could change my point of view

So you get up to offer some needed relief
Though you know the beer I am nursing is now warm between my knees
And it's clear how your hips sway around
That you're already several shots down
I'll be cold on the floor long before all of this inhibition leaves

Chorus:
Don't want to keep you up all night
Didn't mean to intrude
But glad you're here to help me lose
These blue eyes blues

Now a breeze off the balcony creeps through the door
And stirred ashes shed light on the living room floor
In the context of our dialogue
Are things that we should not talk of
All this prodding and poking are only delaying what's coming to soon

(Chorus again)

 

[up-fiddler]

Snowflake

I enjoy your ornamentation and the use of 5/4 time. The big question - Did you play live drums? I especially like the sound of the snare near the end. It sounds as though you are hanging a tamborine on the snare drum or firing a tamborine at the same time as the snare in a drum machine.

Lyrically this is a nice treament and an escape from the love songs that most people write. I think your greatest strength is the fact that you always SAY SOMETHING with your music. You are a clear taskmaster to the rewrite and we, as listeners, are rewarded through your efforts. The choruses break up what could become a tiresome 5/4 time repetition. Even though they are still in 5/4 time they sound different. Many 5/4 songs take on a Dave Brubeck "Take Five" kind of repetition that wears on me after a while. No such prolem here. Nice work. I get the feel that the limerick drove you to 5/4 and you used the choruses for escape. On another level, the snowflake runs a similar course.....but I don't know if that was your intention.

Nice work.

 

[up-fiddler]

Just the Other Day

If I were SNL I would be shouting "More Tamborine! I just can't get enough of that tamborine." Seriously, I love the distance and space you have put into the tamborine. It holds the song together nicely. This is a love lost song that I like a lot. Your vox carries an emotion that brings a special power to this entry.

If I have a problem it would be the bridge. It just seems way too in your face for my ears. I am not simply talking about volume, though that is part of the issue. The whole bridge concept is too out front for the rest of the song. The bridge instrumentation, the vox, and the lyrics all add up to too much when compared to the rest of the tune.

Ending the song with a couple of tamborine hits with that deep verb adds to the sense of loss expressed by the lyrics and it is a very nice touch. It also sounds like you are using the new Seagull. Way to kick the new boy up to the varsity squad. If there is one thing that brings me back to this song for another listen it is your vocal take on the verses. We haven't heard this kind of power and emotion from you in the past and it works wonders on this tune. I am humbled by your vox efforts in a good green with envy manner.

 

[up-fiddler]

Love of My Life

Charlie, the repeated chorus is outstanding! I wish you had used it right away on the first chorus. The second chorus harmonies and echoed lines make the song for me. Also the repeated single notes on the lead guitar emphasize rather than detract from the chorus. In the verses I would like to hear how it would sound if you just sang harmony on the second half of each line....just a thought....that's the way I hear it happening but others may disagree. The bridge sort of loses the feel of the song for me but the repeated choruses at the ending get the song back in order where it is supposed to be.

When I listen to this song I say to myself,"This is clearly a true story." If it is, then you are one lucky person. If it isn't, then you are one very convincing songwriter and vocalist. I can close my eyes and see you singing this to your wife and her getting all mushy over you. It comes across as a strong personal statement of love and respect for each other. My guess is that it was easy for you to write since it probably spilled right from your heart to the page.

I love the synth string intro. Just about the time the listener thinks the orchestra is about to swell you burst in with that ultra clean acoustic guitar. Nice touch, that. Then you don't dwell on it but get right to the vox and the storyline. That's what I look for in a song. Well done.

 

[up-fiddler]

Blue Eyes Blues

This song/lyric sheet saddens me. I think it is supposed to so that is a very good thing. I will be anxious to hear the music that goes with these lyrics since I honestly feel it will make or break the song. I understand your waiting to get the music just right before submitting something as a rough demo.

Your phrasing is wonderful in spots. Everyone everywhere writes about a "Lady" but you never hear anyone write about unladylike manner inthe way she walks. For me, the first verse paints a picture of a woman trying to achieve sexual forgiveness and his reluctance to accept it.

The chorus gives the listener a hint as to the real reason for the two of them being together on a hard lonely night.

The last line of the song is ambiguous and I hope it is intentional. I see the "poking and prodding" as a reference to a needed physical release for both parties. I also interpret it as a reference to small talk which is delaying the inevitable parting of ways. I like that type of thing in a song and especially at the end of a song. The listener knows that they have been given all the info that they are going to get and they need to draw their own conclusions and predict their own ending. Nice work. I look forward to hearing it.

 

[gecko zzed]

I enjoy your ornamentation and the use of 5/4 time. The big question - Did you play live drums? I especially like the sound of the snare near the end. It sounds as though you are hanging a tamborine on the snare drum or firing a tamborine at the same time as the snare in a drum machine.

For drums I use Battery. The samples I used were taken from a number of drum tracks I recorded for another project. The drummer (and his quintet) plays acid jazz and also does a bit of session work for me. I just went scavenging through his tracks to pluck out the various pieces of kit I needed. Because the samples weren't recorded specifically as samples, there are some "impurities" within them. For example, the ride cymbals don't ring long enough. And the snare has a bit of hi-hat behind it (because I couldn't find a single 'pure' snare hit!). That could be what you are hearing. Also, there is a shaker (also a sample) going on in the background.

To create a drum track I often make a number of loops to generate the feel I want. In Snowflake, there are two main loops; one for the verse and one for the chorus. I then go into these and manually add notes to make the fills and other variations. Sometimes I record the fills in real time (using a keyboard).

(For other projects I play the whole drum track in real time, though I usually do this in two passes; the first time through I play the 'feet' (kick and high hat), and the second time through I do the 'hands' (snare, toms and cymbals), then merge the two passes into a single drum track.)

I had a spate a little while ago of using less common time signatures, and I have an assortment of songs in 5/4, 7/4, 11/8 and 15/16. More recently I've been more conventional, but for Snowflake, it just seemed to be the right thing to do to use 5/4.

 

[Whatmysay]

Blue eyes Blue

I love the tension you create with these lyrics and the sense of the individual’s isolation that no amount of alcohol is going to change. My favourite line is the final in the 2nd Vs.

I can see Dave’s interpretation of the lyric is interesting as he see her seeking forgiveness. I haven’t filled in the gap as much I just sense his resistance to a sexual conclusion yet while remaining there.

I might also suggest an alcohol induced ‘one night stand’. Whatever the interpretation or your story behind it – it is a credit to your writing that you give the reader enough to build a narrative without demarcating it.

I look forward to the music.

Burt

 

[Whatmysay]

This is a great variation on a Bojangels character but with a much darker feel. The hanging/dancing analogy has been drawn many times, but what I like is it is the final set up to the punch line of the ‘Brown’ word play.

This is deft construction of narrative as in Vs 3 you send me away from the potential race issue, with the sexual temptation, which actually intensifies the drama of the conclusion. Really clever stuff, Dave. I bet you ‘tell’ a good story as well.

I love the chord progression as its prosody suggested the dance and the dancer (possibly his last dance on the noose as well). You weaver your melody in and around the music with dexterity that really connect with the material beautifully.

My only suggestion is “lady obsessed” scans better (to my ear) as “woman obsessed” – I see you’d written maiden, obliviously to reemphasis her youth and possibly chose ‘lady’ to emphasise her position, but I think ‘woman’ would work?

Do you sing and record guitar in same take or is it an overdub?

Great work here Dave

Burt

 

[Whatmysay]

Snowflake
There is something of Jerry Rafferty’s Baker Street about this arrangement. I found it a slow burn, but by 3rd listen I really liked it.

You have taken a simple description of an early morning walk in the fresh snow and layer it with a bleakness and pessimism of the travel’s state of mind. A bit Robert Burns – perhaps the pastoral theme?

I am always in aware of the continuity of your writing style, is it a conscious choice you have developed over time? You build up often realistic scenarios through short symbolic image rich phrases. The richness of some of your phrasing is often best-enjoyed decontextualised from the overall narrative it creates.

A streetlight flickers in Morse
A message seen only by moths

Is one of many examples. Another Geeko classic

 

[Whatmysay]

@Dave

Thanks for your kind words and clarity.

The Bridge dynamic had worried me as well. As I have listen more to the song this week, the strings in Bridge feel heavy handed and impossed for the sake of false Drama. My first instinct was to 'big' the arrangement in the verse; but you and Geeko have much praised my lead Tambourine work that I was reluctant to loss that in a bigger rhythm section.

I think this one might be a journey into subtly (not a strong suit of us Australians); I can already hear the vocals on a milder bridge and I have some ideas for a less intrusive string section. A bridge is after all a change, it doesn't have to be a big change.

Employing a softer approach one this song may help it to sit better amongst my other more arranged material.

Cheers

Burt

 

[Whatmysay]

Love of my Life

These lyric are concise and direct and as Dave noted above there is a real sense of ‘your story’ in here. That said, it is a story that many can relate to.
I love it when the song gets started in the 2nd verse and I am wondering why you just didn’t get going earlier.

The clean electric counter riff in the chorus could easily be featured in an introduction. From the beginning this is a song of praise for the one you love.
I think you can afford to cut straight to the chase – there is nothing reflective in the lyrics it is definite and certain and I think the prosody of the music could echo that more with a full arrangement from the start.

Then you have the option of contrasting the full arrangement with just the harmonies and a beat in the penultimate Ch. Perhaps you could consider pick up the tempo.

Interesting I would give the same suggestion to you as I gave Dave – I think ‘women’ is much stronger than ‘lady’ – ‘more than a lady’ always suggests an irony that she is not a lady?

HTH
Burt

 

[cnix]

Thanks for the comments. The lymrick format was quite a challenge, and everyone did a really nice job. As for mine, it came out a little to mushy for me, not sure if it will go any further or not.

Snowflake - When I listened to your song I really enjoyed the instrumentation throughout the song, intro, between vs and chorus, and the outro. Very nice. I like the way you went vs to vs to start the song, laying down your strory. You have such a way with words that I envy, and every song you write has great examples of this. Flickers of Morse, only by moths is - cool. The 3rd verse talks about memories fade, light turns grey and I get the impression this song is about getting old. Since I am getting old, I see age in many things now. Nice job with the challenge, and if you were to change anything, it would be to put it a video!

Just The Other Day - Very nice guitar work, and the tamborine works well. The song stands great with just the guitar and strings, but do you plan to add any other instruments? Another love song! You tell a nice story about love and lost. My favorite line is in the 1st verse, I hadn't seen that smile, Not in a while - tells the whole story. I like the cord progression in the chorus, different with a good flavor. I know we had to follow the lymrick pattern, but when I listen, to me the verse just begs for a line between - Not in a while and Just the other day I saw you walking. If you plan to keep your song simple instrument wise, consider the tamborine hitting on only 4 or 8 in the vs and keep what you have on the chorus for a different effect. May work, may not. Nice job.

Have You Seen Him Sway - I had been following your progress from earlier post and had already started putting a melody in my head to your song before you posted the recording. Nice guitar work, you mixed in some cool cord progressions. Another love song! This song not only tells a great story, but takes a look into our past involving race relations. Young Angeline and Sweet Sammy Brown, great characters in a different time, forbidden love and Sammy paid the price. You had mentioned in an earlier post that you were not happy with your song, but I think it is among the best I have heard of yours. The only thing I would change is sing vs 1 and vs 2 back to back, to me it sets the stage better and with lymrick format, our songs can get rather long when we tell a story. Good job.

Blue Eyes Blue - Interesting story. This song has me confused, and I am not sure why - but in a good way. It has to be about sex, isn't it? Does the guy want it, but taking the moral high road and resisting her advances? Does he want it but to shy to go for it? Is she a hooker and he is a virgin? Nice song, would love to hear it once put to music.

If any of you do any further work to your songs for this challenge, I would like to hear the final version. Great job everyone!!

Charlie